Iron Chef Human
© 2001 by Tom Smith
(Gentle, koto-like music.)
KAGA
If memory serves me right, my Kitchen Stadium
has hosted chefs from every culinary tradition known to man… that
is, except one. Today’s challenger is a master of that forbidden
cuisine.
(Dramatic strings & gong.)
Now, Hannibal Lecter! Use your skills and
eat only the rude!
(Swell of Iron Chef-like intro music.)
KAGA
Dr. Lecter, welcome.
LECTER
A pleasure, Kaga. Love your suit.
KAGA
So, Dr. Lecter, who will it be?
LECTER
I choose Mr. Sakai.
(sound of ripping flesh)
SAKAI
Aiee!
KAGA
To challenge, Dr. Lecter.
LECTER
Oh. Of course. Mr. Kobe.
FUKUI
Iron Chef Italian Masahiko Kobe, one of the
most innovative young chefs in all Japan, but will his innovation be
enough against a chef who has gotten rave reviews from people being
fed their own brains?
KAGA
Now, we unveil the ingredient!
(Choral orchestra hit, random bleating)
KAGA
Lamb!
LECTER
Oh, goody.
FUKUI
And lamb giving a distinct advantage to Dr.
Lecter, who has made something of a hobby of it.
OTA
Squeeze On?
FUKUI
That’s Fukui-San and you know it. You
always say it too fast.
OTA
I know. I just love saying Squeeze On. Anyway,
you are correct, I asked Dr. Lecter about his passion for lamb, and
he says it came from his girlfriend.
FUKUI
Thanks for that, Ota, and we’re just
about to begin.
KAGA
Allez Cuisine!
FUKUI
And Dr. Lecter’s going right for the
fava beans and Chianti.
BEJOSHINME (really wimpy, officious voice)
A timeless classic.
FUKUI
As always, I’m joined by Dr. Yugata
Bejoshinme.
BEJOSHINME
A pleasure.
FUKUI
And our Bimbo Du Jour, Jeni Tailia.
JENI (giggly)
What was that?
FUKUI
Bimbo Du- B.D.J.
JENI
Oh. Oh! B...what’s the D stand for?
FUKUI (rolling his eyes)
… Your grade, my dear.
JENI (shy smile)
Thanks. Everyone says I am great at
that.
BEJOSHINME
I’m feeling a little D-graded right
now.
OTA
Squeeze On!
FUKUI
Yes, Ota!
OTA
For the past few minutes, Dr. Lecter has
been simmering a broth with parsley, sage, and rosemary, probably for
a marinade or infusion of some sort and possibly to set up a really
bad Simon & Garfunkel pun, while his personal assistant has been
making steamed meatballs.
LECTER
Have the lambs stopped steaming, Clarice?
FUKUI
Okay! And, on the other side, the Iron Chef
is sculpting small replicas of lambs out of ground lamb meat, and…
making ridges in them with a fork.
OTA
Squeeze On!
FUKUI
Go, big fella!
OTA
I asked Iron Chef Kobe what he called this
dish, and he said, “I shall call them… Mini-Meat!”
JENI
Ohhh! That explains the ridges he’s
making!
FUKUI
It does!?
JENI
Uh-huh! You see? They’re groovy!
STADIUM ANNOUNCER
Thirty minutes have elapsed.
FUKUI
And, at the halfway point, Iron Chef Kobe
is kicking it up a notch.
EMERIL
Hey, HEY! That’s my line! BAM!
(a loud, nasty smack)
FUKUI
Ow!
EMERIL
And one for Jeni and the wimp! BAM!
(another loud, nasty smack)
JENI
Owww!
(yet another loud, nasty smack)
BEJOSHINME
Oh!
OTA
Squeeze On!
FUKUI (shaken)
Wh- what is it, Ota?
OTA
I asked the Iron Chef what he thought about
Chef Emeril Lagasse smacking the panel upside the head, and he said,
“It’s been a long time coming, you guys distract the hell
out of us with your constant jabbering,” and then he said, “Hey
Emeril, over here, you missed one –“
EMERIL
BAM!
(one last loud, nasty smack)
OTA
Oww! Hey!
FUKUI
So, Ota joining in the fun, and what’s
Dr. Lecter doing now?
BEJOSHINME
He seems to be slicing up the brain of the
late Iron Chef Sakai into medallions.
JENI (pouting)
I can’t get their stuff on Napster any
more.
FUKUI
That’s Metallica, you ditz.
BEJOSHINME
Look! Dr. Lecter has been sautéing
the brains in Chianti with just a hint of onion and garlic, and now
he’s taking the sauté over to the ice cream maker.
FUKUI, BEJOSHINME, JENI
NO! NOT THE ICE CREAM MAKER!
STADIUM ANNOUNCER
Five minutes left.
BEJOSHINME
Is it just me, or are these hours getting
shorter every week?
STADIUM ANNOUNCER
Two minutes left.
FUKUI
Yes, Doc, it’s just you. And now Dr.
Lecter and the Iron Chef hurrying to finish their dishes, and Iron Chef
Kobe has broken out the Daikon radishes.
KOBE
Run, brothers! You are free now!
LECTER
Where were you when I needed you, Kobe?
OTA
Squeeze On?
FUKUI
Ota, go!
OTA
I asked Dr. Lecter if he’d be done in
time, and he said, “You rude little man, I’m trying to finish
and you’re interrupting me, although now that I think of it, you
might be useful for my last –" URK!
FUKUI
Ota! Dr. Lecter – h- he’s --
BEJOSHINME
Oh, that’s gotta hurt.
JENI
Eeuww! I hate it when they take the guts
out like that.
STADIUM ANNOUNCER
Ten seconds… five seconds… three…
two… one… time is up!
FUKUI
And the Lamb Battle is OVAH!
(Fancy, food-presentation music.)
FUKUI
The challenger has four dishes:
Sheep Chokes – an appetizer with artichoke
hearts and lamb tartare. The mellowness of the artichoke harmonizes
well with the lamb’s sweetness.
The Soy-Lentils of the Lambs – a stew
with lentils, fava beans, lamb meatballs, and edamame soybeans. The
mellowness of the lentils and soybeans harmonize well with the lamb’s
sweetness.
Kaganaki – in honor of Chairman Kaga,
feta cheese, lamb, and annoying announcer Ota Shirohito, flambéed
in brandy. The mellowness of – oh, forget it.
Sakai a la mode – ice cream made from
lambs’ blood and the sautéed brains of Iron Chef Hiroyuki
Sakai, served in Sakai’s own skull.
KAGA
Here, try this.
JENI (ecstatic)
Mmmm. MmMMph!
KAGA (breathing just a bit heavily)
Most excellent. I meant the food.
JENI
Oh! Oh, right.
(A zipper being pulled up.)
BEJOSHINME
I’d have thought that, having his brains
sautéed and then turned into ice cream, Sakai would be bitter.
But this dish really brings out his sweetness.
JENI
This stew is wonderful. But then, I love
meatballs.
FUKUI (impatient)
Y- we got that.
LECTER
Now for something a little… flamboyant.
JENI (anticipatory)
Oh! He’s lighting the brandy!
(FWOOSH of flame)
EVERYBODY
OTA!
JENI
Mmmm… I’ve never tasted anything
this good. Oh, Kaga, don’t pout.
BEJOSHINME
I’d have thought that, having his guts
ripped out and then flambéed, Ota would be bitter. But this dish
really brings out his sweetness.
KOBE
Aiiieee! BANZAI!
FUKUI
Iron Chef Kobe! What are y-
(the drawing and SWACK of a sword.)
BEJOSHINME
AAH!
(WHUMP of something heavy hitting the table
and bouncing once.)
FUKUI
And Iron Chef Kobe, stung by the challenger’s
success, has BEHEADED Dr. Bejoshinme!
LECTER
Dibs.
KAGA
And now, the verdict.
(Bright, slow, one-note-at-a-time piano
music – specifically, Chopsticks.)
FUKUI
An incredible showing by the challenger has
driven the Iron Chef to the point of manslaughter. Iron Chef Kobe’s
dishes were not even tasted. And yet who could possibly vote for the
cannibalistic concoctions of a notorious fictional mass murderer? Who
will take it? Whose cuisine reigns supreme?
KAGA
Iron Chef Masahiko Kobe!
CLARICE
Fix!
(Crowd turmoil.)
CLARICE
All right! F.B.I.! Everybody freeze!
FUKUI
Dr. Lecter’s assistant is holding the
crowd here in Kitchen Stadium at gunpoint!
(About halfway through the word “Stadium”,
doors being slammed.)
FUKUI
Th- they’re barring the doors shut!
We’re trapped!
LECTER
Please calm down, everyone. The sad demise
of Doctor Bejoshinme has given me an idea. In a few moments we’ll
be conducting a mass ritual suicide. I will be your second, cutting
off your heads one at a time, and then Clarice will make a lovely saffron
broth with the remains.
KAGA
Good God, man! Why?
LECTER
Why, Kaga, haven't you heard? Bouillabaisse
are belong to us…
(fade out on a pastiche of All Your
Base Are Belong To Us....)
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