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MUT3K: DOWN WITH FAKE FILK!

An Anonymous Flier (Suspiciously the Color of Spam)
Found at MarCon 1996
MSTied by Tom Smith

-- ((( TWAAAANNG!! )))


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[SLAM]
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     [Satellite of Love Desk.  Gypsy, wearing headphones to a CD player, 
is bobbing her head and dancing.  Mike enters, S.L.]

GYPSY:  [singing] ... They say I must be one of the wonders
        of God's own creation...
MIKE:   Hi, everyone!  Welcome to the Satellite of Love.  I'm
        Mike Nelson, and this is Gypsy --
GYPSY:  Hi!  [singing] ... And they smile as they see they can
        offer no-ohh explanation...
MIKE:   Gypsy's borrowed my copy of Natalie Merchant's TIGERLILY,
        but I don't honestly know if she's made it past Track Two.
GYPSY:  [singing] Newspapers ask intimate questions... want
        confessions... 

        [Tom Servo and Crow enter, S.R.]

CROW:   What'cha doin', Gyps?
SERVO:  Ahhh, she's been off in her own little We Are The World
        all week.
GYPSY:  [glaring at them, still singing] ... They reach into
        my head, to steal the glory... of my story...
CROW:   These lyrics -do- sound really femmy.
SERVO:  Yeah, it's all new-age pablum.  Tori Amos, Hootie and
        the Blowfish, En Vogue... it's all the same.
MIKE:   Now, how can you possibly lump together such diverse
        types of music, and then dismiss them all as "new-age"?
SERVO:  Easy!  True or false: Natalie Merchant's songs examine 
        people's feelings?
MIKE:   Well... yeah, true.
SERVO:  Tori Amos?
MIKE:   True.
SERVO:  Hootie and the Blowfish?
MIKE:   Tom, almost every song in -existence- deals with people's
        feelings!  What would you have otherwise?
SERVO:  Why, the Righteous Brothers, of course!  [sings] You've
        lost... that lovin' feelin'...

        [Crow joins in on the harmony, not very well.]

CROW and SERVO: [singing] ... Whoh-ohh, that lovin' feelin'....

        [Red lights flash.]

MIKE:   Uh-oh.  Tabitha Soren and Kurt Loder are calling.

        [Deep 13.  Dr. Forrester is writing at a desk, while TV's Frank, 
dressed all in white, paces back and forth.]

FRANK:  Chicken shacks.  Heaven has lots of chicken shacks.
        And hot dogs carts!  As far as the eye can see.
DR.F.:  [writing] Chicken... shacks.... hot dog... carts...
FRANK:  [lost in reminiscence] And how could I forget the All
        Night Cartoon Cabaret, with free popcorn?
DR.F.:  [writing] All... Night... Cartoon... [throws pencil
        to the desk] FRANK!  I want details of Heaven's defenses!
        Its strengths and weaknesses!  How can I lead an assault
        on all that's Good and Holy, when all you can tell me
        about is FOOD!?
FRANK:  Oh, Steve, don't you see?  Don't you understand?  How
        could it be Heaven without... junk food!
DR.F.:  D'ohh!  [noticing S.O.L.]  Oh, Nelson, it's you!  As you
        can see, Frank's still here on his anti-sabbatical, but
        he's too unfocused to see the Big Picture!  ... Now what
        does that remind me of...? Ahh, of course!  Today's mini-
        experiment -- barely even a litmus test, really... [laughs
        maniacally]
FRANK:  Clayton...

        [Dr. F. stops in mid-laugh and looks at Frank.]

FRANK:  The Hot Dog Carts of Heaven are not for thee.
DR.F.:  -- NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

        [S.O.L.  Crow and Servo are wearing plant pots on their heads.  Mike 
and Gypsy just shake their heads.]

SERVO:  [singing, kinda] Are we not men?
CROW:   [ditto] We are Devo!

        [Lights and sirens.]

ALL:    AAAAAAAHH!!  WE'VE GOT FLIER SIGN!


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CROW:   ... -Flier- sign?  I've never seen that before.
SERVO:  Well, I guess this is the "flier-sign theater," then.
ALL:    [laughing]

> DOWN WITH FAKE FILK.

SERVO:  Up the Academy!
 
> DO YOUR PART TO PUT AN END TO THE FAKE FILK THAT NOW
> INFESTS THE SF NEIGHBORHOOD
 
MIKE:    Use D-Con!
CROW:    [announcer voice] Kills Ose Dead!

> DEFINITIONS:

CROW:   Things we use to define stuff.
 
> FOLK SINGING: A TYPE OF MUSIC THAT PORTRAYS THE CULTURE
> OF THE TIMES AND OF LOCAL AREAS. IT IS GENERALLY RECOGNIZED
> BY IT'S USE OF LOCAL EVENTS, PEOPLE, LEGENDS, AND HISTORY.
 
MIKE:   All perfectly reasonable, so far.
SERVO:  If a bit loud.  Is this whole thing in caps?
CROW:   Would "ffolke" music be about Roger Moore?

> FOLK SINGERS: THOSE MUSICIANS WHO SING, PLAY AND WRITE FOLK MUSIC.

SERVO:  You know, I don't often feel compelled to use the phrase,
        "Well, -duh-."
 
> FILK SINGING: A TYPE OF MUSIC THAT PORTRAYS THE CULTURE;

CROW:   Bacterial Rock?
MIKE:   Brought to you by month-old Nabisco.

> OF SF FANDOM, OR S.F. LITERATURE,

SERVO:  Well?  Which is it?

> AND OF THE WHOLE SF UNIVERSE.

SERVO:  Ahh.
MIKE:   [saluting] Butt covered, sir.

> IT IS GENERALLY RECOGNIZED BY

CROW:   Its mother, out of a pack of thousands.

> IT'S USE OF SF EVENTS,

SERVO:  [singing] Beyoooond the blue event horiiiizon....

> SF LEGENDS,

CROW:   [Scottish accent] Now, lads, git arround the cahmp-
        fyrre therre, an' I'll tell ye how the grreat Klingon
        warriorr K'Culain held off a horrde o' Trrekkies wi'
        nae bu' his toe socks....

> SF HISTORY,

SERVO:  I do presume he means the history of SF -fandom-,
        right?  Because SF is, well, fiction, and a history
        is a description of something that actually happened.
MIKE:   "There are those who say that life is an illusion,
        and reality simply a figment of the imagination...."

> SF PEOPLE (AUTHORS, ARTISTS, AND OTHERS ASSOCIATED WITH SPACE,

SERVO:  James Michener.
MIKE:   Jackson Pollack.
CROW:   Dan Quayle's psychiatrist.

> SF & FANTASY),

MIKE:   Nice of him to lump the two together, at least.
CROW:   Is it a him?
SERVO:  Dunno.  No credits yet.

> AND RELATED MOVIES AND BOOKS.

CROW:   Star Wars and Skylark of Space: Separated at birth?

> FILK MUSIC MAY USE PUNS,

CROW:   Oh, -may- it?
SERVO:  I guess Allen Sherman -was- writing filk all those
        years.  'Cause -folk- music didn't allow any puns.
MIKE:   This is the verbal equivalent of the old "cut the
        ribbon, the new bridge collapses" gag.

> REFER TO SF AUTHORS OR BOOK AND MOVIE TITLES, SF
> CHARACTERS FROM THOSE BOOKS AND MOVIES

MIKE:   But not the books and movies themselves.
SERVO:  Using that logic, we could write a song about
        a famous character's throbbing headache, called
        "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."

> AND ANYTHING ELSE RELATED TO SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY.

MIKE:   Promiscuous little devils.

> FILK SINGERS: THOSE MUSICIANS WHO SING, PLAY AND WRITE FILK MUSIC.

SERVO:  Once again, hard to argue with.
MIKE:   As long as you agree with the author's definition of filk.
CROW:   [singing, as Fig Newton] Here's the tricky part...

> FAKE FILK: FOLK MUSIC ABOUT MUNDANE TOPICS

SERVO:  Uh, that would just be "folk music."

> SUCH AS EARTHQUAKES,

MIKE:   Here we go.
SERVO:  And there goes Juanita!

> CATS,

SERVO:  Cindy McQuillin!
MIKE:   And his orchestra.
 
> ROADKILL,

SERVO:  Bill Sutton!
MIKE:   And his six-string orchestra.

> MATTRESSES,

SERVO:  Tom Smith!
MIKE:   And his cat-gut orchestra.

> CARS

SERVO:  Rik Ocasek!
MIKE:   ... Umm, actually, he doesn't do filk.
CROW:   Oh, yeah?  He walked on water and turned into a fly.
MIKE:   Well....

> AND MANY OTHER NON-SCIENCE FICTION OR NON-FANTASY TOPICS.

CROW:   Okay, in that case, it's generally agreed by all to be
        -fact- that you can't say anything funny about someone
        with as goofy a name as Richter, cats -are- intelligent,
        there -is- a Roadkill Cafe, cat plus waterbed plus Lava
        Lamp equals electrolysis, and Barry Childs-Helton -was-
        picked up by a space babe in a floating Ferrari.
SERVO:  Ummm... yeah.
 
> FAKE FILKERS: THOSE MUSICIANS WHO SING, PLAY AND WRITE FAKE FILK.

MIKE:   I was imagining a cardboard cutout of Duane Elms, actually.
 
> FAKE FILK DEFINITIONS:

SERVO:  Ohhh!  As opposed to "real" filk definitions.

> ATTEMPTS TO DISGUISE FOLK SONG AS FILK. ATTEMPTS TO CONFUSE
> FILK LOVERS INTO BELIEVING FOLK IS REALLY FILK. I.E. "FILK
> SONGS ARE SONGS FILKERS SING."

SERVO:  Oh.  I thought I was being sarcastic.
CROW:   The Filk Illuminati:  Passing Liam Clancy off as Michael
        Longcor since 1971.
 
> OSE:--SAD FOLK, BLUES

CROW:   Funny, I've never heard anyone outside of the filk
        community use the word "ose" before.
MIKE:   They're just mocking your ignorance.

> OR HIPPIE SONGS

ALL:    [laugh]
SERVO:  -Hippie- songs?
MIKE:   The inherent misery of "California Dreamin'" and "59th
        Street Bridge" are, of course, well known to all.
CROW:   Ronco's "Hippest Hippie Hits!" Only -- bwahahahahaa!!
        I can't do it!  Dr. F's broken my mind, and it's -good-!

> DISGUISED AS FILK SONGS

MIKE:   Hey!  This isn't "Horse-Tamer's Daughter", it's "Hang
        On the Bell, Nellie"!

> AND DESIGNED TO DRIVE MUSIC LOVERS AWAY FROM LIKING FILK MUSIC.

SERVO:  Y'know, in a world with Wagner's Ring Cycle, I doubt that
        even the slowest and lamest 1:30 a.m. Pern Dirge is gonna
        drive music lovers away from liking filk.
MIKE:   Shhh.  Don't bring Art into it.
 
> MOROSE:--SADDER FOLK, BLUES OR HIPPIE SONGS

ALL:    [laugh]
MIKE:   Oh, this guy's good.
CROW:   I can't stand it!  Dr. F, you win!  Take me now, Lord!
 
> DISGUISED AS FILK SONGS AND DESIGNED TO DRIVE DEDICATED
> FILK LOVERS AWAY FROM FILK.
 
SERVO:  What a brilliant plan!  We'll sing such noxious crap
        that we'll drive away our loyal audience, and only
        -then- will we sing the good stuff!

> ARE WE

CROW:   Who -is- "we", anyway?

> GOING TO PUT UP WITH THIS DEGERATION

SERVO:  [Persis Khambatta] Deger has assimilated the
        carbon-based units!

> OF TRUE FILK MUSIC INTO ORDINARY FOLK MUSIC?

MIKE:   Yeah, I'm bored with "Hope Eyrie".  Let's do "Turkey
        In The Straw" again.

> NO! WE ARE NOT.

SERVO:  We have to keep this filksing at over fifty
        songs an hour.
 
> DOWN WITH FAKE FILK.

MIKE:   Up With People!
CROW:   United We Stand!
SERVO:  Fox In Socks!
 
> RAISE THE CRY! 

CROW:   Sink the Bismarck!

> ROUSE THE CROWDS!.

SERVO:  Claaaaass... -claaaaass-... WAKE AAAHHHP!!

> MAKE THIS A FANDOMWIDE EFFORT TO BRING BACK TRUE FILK!
 
MIKE:   Only you can prevent fascist filkers.

> THIS MESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

SERVO:  Let it ride, guys.  Almost over.
 
> SPAFM:--SOCIETY TO PRESERVE AMERICAN FILK MUSIC

ALL:   [singing] Spafm, spafm, spafm, spafm,
       spafm, spafm, sfapm, spafm....

> SING-SF-SONGS:--SOCIETY INTENTIONALLY NURTURING GREAT
> SCIENCE FICTION & SPURNING OTHER NON-GENRE SONGS.

MIKE:   Hey, everyone!  Let's -not- sing anything by Weird Al,
        Tom Lehrer, Dr. Jane, Juanita Coulson, Kipling, Stan
        Rogers, and NO MORE MADIERA!
CROW and SERVO:
        [very unenthusiastic] Yaayy.

> STUFF-IT:

ALL:   I'll say.

> --STOP TEACHING US FAKE FILK-IT'S TRIVIALIZING.

CROW:  SOB-STORY -- SOmeBody SaT dOwn and wRote this?  Yeesh!


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[grohhhnn]
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[whakkita]
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        [S.O.L.]

CROW:   ... I just can't understand it.  What's -wrong- with
        music that's not specifically SF and Fantasy?
MIKE:   Nothing's wrong with it.  -Most- music isn't SF and
        Fantasy, it's just music.
SERVO:  I beg to differ, Mike.  Most songs are about unreal
        situations, and even the ones that document true events
        do so through the constraints of the songwriter and
        the song structure.
CROW:   And stuff by Prince isn't music.
MIKE:   The point is, people sing because they like to sing,
        and they sing about stuff they're interested in, and
        it can't -all- be Science Fiction and Fantasy.
SERVO:  And what about entertainment value?  If most of the
        audience wants to hear what's going on, the rest can
        either deal with it, ask for or play something else,
        or vote with their feet.
CROW:   Ahh, but then they couldn't have the joy of imposing
        their will on the rest.

        [Red lights flash.]

MIKE:   Speaking of which.... what do you think, sirs?

        [Deep 13.  A troubled Frank stands nearby as Dr. F,
tied to a chair, is interviewed by Mr. Pitch, the cheesy
devil from the Mexican "Santa Claus".]

PITCH:  ... and once you hooked up Frank's heart to power
        kitchen appliances.  Very, very evil.
DR. F:  You think so?
PITCH:  Oh, yes.  In fact, I think we'll have to give you
        the Executive Suite.  Oh, and free pizza every night.
DR. F:  Well!  Clean living certainly has its perks.  Oh --
        what... kind... of pizza...?

        [As the huge door to Deep 13 slowly opens, revealing
a mystic white light, The Haunting Torgo Theme begins.]

FRANK:  No!  No!  It's too cruel!  Nooo!
DR. F:  NELSON!! HELP MEEEEEEE!


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TORGO:  [voice-over] WouLd yOu lIke To tRy oUr nEw dOubLe
        cHeeSy bReaD?

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