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The Long March, Part 2

MSTied by Tom Smith

       (Lights and sirens.)

MIKE:  Oh, no, we got USENET SI-I-IGN!!


SERVO: ... all your fault.
CROW:  MY fault?
MIKE:  You guys are just too impressionable sometimes.
SERVO: Maybe.  Hey, where were we in this thing?
MIKE:  Captain Charisma just served up enough pseudoscience
       and racial hatred to set Benjamin Bannaker spinning
       for a hundred years.
CROW:  Right.

> What happened?

CROW:  Whups!  Reality just checked in.
MIKE:  He's having a flashback!
SERVO: Singapore '59 all over again.

> To answer that question, we must travel back those 100 years

SERVO: I knew it.  It's an episode of Star Trek: Voyager.

> and examine the career of one Franz Boas,

MIKE:  But there are so many to choose from!

> whom the liberal intellectual establishment regards with
> almost religious reverence.

CROW:  The Friends of Franz.

> Boas was an academic with Communist sympathies, and was
> actually cited by the United States Congress for over 40

> different Communist affiliations.

MIKE:  Mind you, I'm not saying I -would- kiss McCarthy's
       feet... but I might.

> Communist strategy in the United States during the early part
> of this century included

CROW:  The Nimzo-Indian defense and the Queen's Pawn Declined.

> what they called "the long march through the institutions."

SERVO: Too easy.
MIKE:  Way too easy.
CROW:  The high school cafeteria jokes alone....

> This meant that Communists and sympathizers would infiltrate
> and gain positions of influence in as many important American
> organizations as possible;

MIKE:  Those lousy Commies'll never get away with it!  We'll
       destroy them from within!

> including churches, clubs, social organizations, service
> groups, government departments, the legal profession,
> and especially schools and colleges.

CROW:  Oh, like what the Christian Coalition does now?
MIKE:  I was actually thinking the tobacco lobby.

> In the event of a Communist revolution,

SERVO: You will be instructed where to tune in your area....
MIKE:  I didn't know my area could pick up anything.
CROW:  Mike, I love you, so I won't take that brilliant,
       one-in-a-zillion, on-a-silver-platter straight line.
       This time.

> party members and sympathizers would already have their
> fingers on enough levers of power

SERVO: Throw open the switches on the Sonic Oscillator!

> to help the revolution along and to govern once it took
> place.

CROW:  To help it live on its own in the wilderness.

> In the event that a violent revolution did not take place,

MIKE:  The Tilt-A-Whirl repairman would be called in.

> the "long march through the institutions" would be an
> alternate road to power.

CROW:  You know, you -could- read into this that the Beatles'
       "The Long And Winding Road" played as a medley with
       "Revolution" is a metaphor for Communism.
SERVO: You could also stick your face in a blender and enjoy
       the reverb, but I don't recommend it.

> The Communists and those behind Communism,

SERVO: Are two different groups, apparently.

> as we all know,

CROW:  Presumptuous little ferret, isn't he?
MIKE:  ... You sound like Dr. F.
CROW:  Hmph.  (shrugs)  Wonder why.

> took that alternate road in this country.

MIKE:  You knuckleknob -- American Communism's -this- way!

> Once in positions of influence, they were able to help
> each other,

CROW:  Isn't Communism -based- on helping each other?
MIKE:  Yes, but only for evil purposes.
CROW:  Ohhhh.

> sway the minds of students and others under them, and crush
> their disorganized and surprised opposition,

SERVO: I got six kids who won't take story problem pop quizzes.
       Crush 'em.

> especially in the academy where they still rule today.


> Boas was one of the most skilled practitioners of these
> skills.

MIKE:  If you're gonna have skills, do try to be skilled
       at them.

> Boas was born in Germany in 1858 of radical socialist

> Jewish parents.

SERVO: Rather than human beings.

> His fame rests on his contributions to the field of
> anthropology,

MIKE:  If you civilize it, they will come.

> the study of the origins and development of man and human
> societies.  His education included no study of anthropology;
> and how he got his Ph.D. is something of a mystery,

SERVO: In fact, we're not sure how he even got in the building.

> but nonetheless he went on to obtain a professorship at
> Columbia University

CROW:  He's my hero!

> and subsequently created what is known today as social or

> cultural anthropology.

MIKE:  As opposed to anti-social, illiterate anthropology.

> Cultural anthropology, in contrast to physical anthropology,
> holds

SERVO: The pinky in the proper position when drinking tea.
CROW:  Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?
MIKE:  The same thing we do every night, Pinky.  Try to take
       over Wonderland.

> that external environmental forces determine human
> development almost to the exclusion of biology and genetics.

SERVO: And that little "almost" is what blows this all to hell.

> Boas, who died in 1942, spent his life energetically
> promoting the equality doctrine.

MIKE:  Until, finally, it controlled the company, and fired

> Over a period of several decades, the pupils of Boas

SERVO: Were almost constantly dilated by hard drinking.
> were given the air of authority that goes with doctoral
> degrees,

MIKE:  I detect four years of 1.9's here.

> and were placed into positions of responsibility in
> anthropology departments of leading universities around
> the nation.

SERVO: Through the inhuman and barbaric practices of education,
       research, promotions and tenure.

> These Boas disciples received the concerted backing of the
> press, radio, and TV

MIKE:  Who really liked the deep bass and dynamic response.
CROW:  That's Bose.
MIKE:  Ohhh.

> (which were also by this time in the hands of America's

> enemies).

MIKE:  Too damn easy.
SERVO: I could just start rattling off TV shows.
CROW:  Or politicians.
MIKE:  Cable networks.
SERVO: Fast food.
CROW:  Video game commercials.
MIKE:  Keanu Reeves movies.
SERVO: Superhero merchandise licenses.
CROW:  Multinational breweries.
MIKE:  Monopolistic software developers.
SERVO: Unscrupulous athletic-shoe manufacturers.
CROW:  Revisionists of environmental and welfare law.
MIKE:  Marketers of POCAHONTAS toys.

> These media served as a platform to freely espouse their
> "great"

CROW:  Putting quotes around a word in this is like saying
MIKE:  Unless you're Jack Kirby.  Then it's like saying "This
       is deeply meaningful.  No, really."
SERVO: Didn't like CAPTAIN VICTORY, huh?

> opinions on various issues.

> At the same time, the critics of the "Boas School" were
> to a large degree silenced.

SERVO: Except those of us who wouldn't shut up.

> A prominent Boas student, Professor Melville Herksovits,
> stated, "The four decades of the tenure of his professorship
> at Columbia gave a continuity to his teaching

CROW:  Sorely lacking in this diatribe.

> that permitted him to develop students who eventually made
> up the greater part of the significant professional core of

> American anthropologists,

MIKE:  Their own qualifications were never involved.

> and who came to man and direct most of the major departments
> of anthropology in the United States.

SERVO: It's brilliant!  All we have to do is prove that we know
       more about it than anyone, and HA-HA-HAAA!  They'll let
       us TEACH it!

> In their turn they trained the students who, with increases
> in general interest in the subject...  have continued in the
> tradition in which their teachers were trained."

CROW:  Um... isn't that the point?
MIKE:  Shhh.  Nobody's told academia yet.
> Thirty years ago America's pre-eminent physical

> anthropologist, the late Carleton Coon,

CROW:  Whose name must really bug this guy.
> minced no words

SERVO: You need a word processor for that really fine texture.
> in describing the chicanery of the cultural anthropologists: 

MIKE:  Stay tuned for "Those Wacky Cultural Anthropologists!"
> "More serious are the activities of the academic debunkers
> and soft-peddlers who operate inside anthropology itself.

SERVO: Pesky Commies always pollute the debate with the truth!

> Basing their ideas on the concept of the brotherhood of man,

MIKE:  An obviously ridiculous concept to begin with.

> certain writers, who are mostly social anthropologists,

> consider it immoral to study race,

SERVO: I always liked Hadji.

> and produce book after book exposing it as a `myth'...

CROW:  Yeth?

> and [saying]

MIKE:  Or some other verb.  Whatever.

> we should pretend that race does not exist.

MIKE:  Pretend that Doris Day and Eartha Kitt are the same

> These writers are not physical anthropologists,

CROW:  But they play them in National Geographic.

> but the public does not know the difference."

SERVO: So White Cloud -isn't- softer?

> So while the liberal anthropologists continually lecture

> the public on racial matters through an endless stream of
> books and articles,

SERVO: Darn!  Now they've replaced Mister Boffo with
       another liberal anthropology column.  At least
       we've still got Dilbert.

> the fact is that they have no real credentials for such
> pronouncements.

MIKE:  Not that I'll show you mine.

> Those with such credentials -- the physical anthropologists
> -- are seldom given a media forum.

SERVO: But, rather than give them that forum, I'll keep
       spouting off.

> I do not want to leave the impression that physical
> anthropology was somehow eliminated or absorbed by
> cultural anthropology.

MIKE:  (as Terminator)  Your t'eories.  Giff tham to me.

> At the present time the debate still rages between the
> two schools.

SERVO: =klik= One-Adam-Twelve, One-Adam-Twelve, see the man.
       Anthropology rumble at the Bones & Scones Debate Club
       and Donut Shop. =klik=

> Despite decades of equality propaganda,

CROW:  Louis Farrakhan and Pat Buchanan are still listened to.

> some scholars are still intellectually honest, you see,

MIKE:  Look here, in this microscope.

> though the TV-watching and newspaper-reading public almost
> never hears from them.

CROW:  Not too many other media left, babycakes.

> Who were and are these cultural anthropologists that have
> been propagandizing the public with the equality doctrine?

MIKE:  How did they live, and why did they die?

> Therein lies the truly revealing aspect of the matter. The
> most prominent among the Boas devotees are as follows:

SERVO: Know these faces... remember these names.

> Ashley Montagu (Jewish, despite the name),

MIKE:  I cannot believe he just said that.

> Raymond Pearl,

CROW:  Howwwww-DEEEEE!

> Melville Herskovitz,

CROW:  Is it rude to be thinking Moby Lox?
MIKE:  Careful.  Burger King might put smoked salmon on
       a bagel and call it The Great White Whaler.

> Herbert Seligman,

MIKE:  We -could- make a joke on this name.
CROW:  We just wanted to leave at least one of them alone.

> Otto Klineberg,


> Gene Weltfish,

CROW:  This was found in the DNA of easily-bruised flounder.
MIKE:  You serve those garnished with Gene Shallots.
SERVO: D'ohh!

> Amram Scheinfeld,

SERVO: He used to be funny, but Kramer's getting on my nerves.

> Ruth Benedict,

MIKE:  Known to the Chicago Police as "Eggs".

> L.C. Dunn,

SERVO: L.C.!  You done in there?

> Isador Chein,

ALL:   (singing) That's the sound of the men
       Working on the Chein ga-a-ang....

> and Margaret Mead.

CROW:  You know, she hit puberty while cavorting in a pile of
       chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallow creme.
MIKE:  Coming of age in s'mores?
SERVO: Well, of c- huh?

> It is very noteworthy that a very high proportion of the
> Boas illuminaries were foreign born, and in almost every
> case Jewish.

SERVO: Credentials mean NOTHING, do you hear?  NOTHING! 

CROW:  I suppose this guy's ancestors just spontaneously
       generated from protomatter in the shadow of the
       Liberty Bell.

> The two women mentioned, Mead and Benedict, were reportedly
> a lesbian couple.

MIKE:  A fact I've obsessed on for a long time now.

> Does Jewishness prove Communist or subversive motives by
> itself? No, but

SERVO: ... but I think it should, and so should you.

> when one considers the Communist connections of Boas himself,

SERVO: The Red cable is for the speaker on the RIGHT!  Get it?
       Huh?  Get it??

> and the fact that Ruth Benedict, Gene Weltfish, Melville
> Herskovitz, and especially Ashley Montagu,

SERVO: Let's bring 'em out!

> had all been connected with Communist activities,

CROW:  Yeah, yeah, so was Lucille Ball, your -point-,
       Mr. Reagan?

> and when one also considers the long history of Jewish
> domination of the Communist movement,

CROW:  Anybody ever tell Stalin and Khruschev?
MIKE:  (as 2000 Year Old Man) Naahhh, we kept them guessin'.

> it certainly would cause one to view the whole group with
> extreme suspicion.

SERVO: Not to mention this article.

> It would be reasonable to suspect that these individuals
> might not have America's best interests at heart.

MIKE:  Yeah, anthropology's just a game I play.  I really want
       to subjugate the masses, y'know?

> The history of Boas and the equality doctrine is an
> interesting illustration in itself of the dangers inherent in

SERVO: Sniffing glue on Pledge Night.

> the presence of alien influences within even a relatively

> homogeneous nation,

MIKE:  You and Cathy tried to copulate, didn't you, Matt?
CROW:  I slipped on a bar of soap, George, that's -all-.

> which is what America was back during the era of Boas'
> domination of Columbia University's anthropology department.

SERVO: Let's just leave this one alone, huh, guys?

> Being non-political, as scholars generally were,

SERVO: No one who studied would ever have an opinion or

> the physical anthropologists were simply unaccustomed
> to dealing with an alien group within their midst

MIKE:  Until then, they'd lived a placid existence, eating only
       nuts and berries and always being kind to strangers.

> possessed of both a fervent political agenda and a powerful
> ethnic nationalism, who were bent upon twisting scholarship
> into a propaganda tool.

CROW:  Ah, the nefarious Immigrant Intelligentsia Illuminati.

> Combine the collaboration of the partisan media with the
> willingness of the "Boas School" to distort and falsify
> science,

SERVO: Add water and stir.

> and we see the operation in its essence and as it still
> functions today. It is a sobering example of the kind of
> subversion that has taken place in so many areas of American
> society.

SERVO: Yes, yes, we already -did- jokes on the hypocrisy of
       you snarling because you didn't subvert us -first-,
       would you please -move on-!?
MIKE:  You think this guy's bathroom mirror says "Wash Me"?
CROW:  Talk about the pot calling the kettle African-American.

> Certainly the subversion continues today and has deeply
> damaged our society.

SERVO: Poor Kevin Costner, for example... being forced to
       accept several million dollars to -kiss- Whitney
CROW:  Tom, you do realize that at least one reader will -not-
       recognize that as sarcasm.

> We have fallen so far that the Republican party, viewed by
> many well-meaning White Americans as the nation's salvation,

CROW:  We'll just bounce off their bellies.

> is saturated with the equality philosophy.

ALL:   Eewww!

> The examples are numerous.

MIKE:  Give me a minute here.

> The victory of Proposition 187 in California was a result of

CROW:  The run-and-shoot.

> the total frustration of Californians with the totally
> ineffectual efforts

MIKE:  Like, totally.

> of the federal government to stop illegal immigration.

SERVO: Scare tactics, outright lies, impossibly complex
       immigration procedures, paperwork in a language
       emigres don't read well, and the unwillingness of
       American citizens to actually do menial labor for
       themselves were never involved.

> The initiative, which has now technically become law

CROW:  Technically, meet so-called.  So-called, technically.

> though Jewish lawyer Mark Silverman has vowed it will be
> "litigated for years"

CROW:  Won't that cut off its circulation?
MIKE:  My friend, you've stumbled onto an eerily apt metaphor.

> and the will of California's people has been stifled,

SERVO: Forced into voting democratically for a law they wanted.

> would simply prevent illegal aliens from obtaining public
> welfare,

MIKE:  So they can be reduced to hotel cleaning or begging
       on the street.

> public medical assistance,

SERVO: So they can starve and die out in the open.

> and access to public schools,

CROW:  So they'll always have that slack-jawed, utter
       bewilderment we're so good at exploiting.

> and would increase the penalties for the counterfeiting
> of documents used by illegals to obtain employment.

MIKE:  Honey, would you like to wait years for Immigration
       Services to publicly humiliate us and treat us like
       lice-infested heathen scum?
SERVO: I'd rather dodge bullets and swim the Rio Grande in
       the dark.

> When it began to look like the proposition was going to win,

CROW:  We sucked up and did it for the Gipper!

> we saw two of the most prominent "conservative" gurus,
> Jack Kemp and William Bennett,

ALL:   (singing) Kissing Saaan-ty Claus....

> travelling to California and making public statements
> attacking the provision as "exclusionary" and "undemocratic."

SERVO: -All- poor and helpless people should be downtrodden,
       not merely foreigners.

> Another example is the recent broadcast statement of the
> House Speaker, Newt Gingrich, in which he proclaimed that
> we must accept an "integrated society."

CROW:  Knowing Newt, he meant to say "integrated circuitry."
MIKE:  The white wires are for uploading only.  The black wires
       are for downloading only.

> Actually the evidence of Newt Gingrich's liberalism goes much
> deeper than a few public statements.

SERVO: We've got photos of him sitting on Gary Hart's lap.

> Recently, Speaker Gingrich wrote the introduction to the book
> Creating a New Civilization

MIKE:  Doesn't the existing one have to fall before you do
CROW:  Hopefully -on- this guy.

> by Jewish authors Alvin and Heidi Toffler.

SERVO: Aha!  See?  It's a conspiracy!  They -are- trying to
       create a new civilization... the JEWISH one!

> Mr. Toffler has written several popular books over the years

MIKE:  Unlike, say, me.

> projecting his vision for the future of society;

SERVO: Alvin Toffler's Metropolis.
CROW:  In Nonsensurround.

> two of the most well known being Future Shock and The Third
> Wave. Contained within the pages of their most recent book is
> the advocacy of, among other things, both homosexual and
> polygamous marriages, convenience abortion, and various
> kinds of "New Age" claptrap.

SERVO: Ten bucks says this guy loves Heinlein.

> Also singled-out for praise in several instances in this book

> is the liberal Democratic Vice President, Al Gore, Jr.

MIKE:  Which I guess means Newt didn't read it before writing
       the intro.

> Throughout the book they repeatedly make much use of standard
> Communist phraseology,

CROW:  Like what?  Ivan?  Borscht?  Nadia Comenici?

> and the Tofflers are reported to hold a sincere reverence for
> Karl Marx himself.

CROW:  He was much funnier than Zeppo.

> Furthermore, targets attacked by them include traditional
> families, patriotism, and national sovereignty,

SERVO: You still a sexual and domestic slave, honey?
MIKE:  Yes, I am, dear!  Did you have a nice day slaughtering
       others in the name of our flag?
SERVO: It's my God-given right.
CROW:  Brought to you by the N.R.A.

> and they refer to a homogeneous population as a "curse."

CROW:  (falsetto) Now, I don't mean "homogeneous," I mean
       "homogenous" -- as in milk.

> They even go as far as to boldly claim

MIKE:  Where no claim has claimed before!

> that the principles held by our founding fathers, and
> embodied in the Constitution, are "oppressive and dangerous
> to our welfare."

SERVO: You mean not granting women and minorities equal status
       with white men the first time around?
MIKE:  Leaving the Second Amendment open to interpretation by
       drunken sportsmen?
CROW:  Letting any old doof spout off on why skin color is bad?
> In other words, the Tofflers are espousing the same old
> liberal, anti-American, "one world" garbage

MIKE:  (singing) Just one world,
       Stinking in the darkness....
SERVO: That's more than enough Barry Manilow, thank you.

> that has been propagated by
> our enemies for the past sixty years or more.

SERVO: Ohh!  Wal-Mart.

> And Newt Gingrich, the standard-bearer for the Republican
> Party, wrote a glowing introduction to their book.

CROW:  Got the graphite for his pencil direct from Fermi II.

> If you cannot reason from these facts -- if you still believe
> that the Republicans really oppose the liberal program --
> then there is indeed no hope for you.

SERVO: I wonder if Captain Nice here has read the rest of the
       paper lately.
CROW:  The New York Times is dropping the business and op-ed
       sections to make more room for cultural anthropology.

> In reading the Toffler's book, we find repeated calls for
> "diversity"

CROW:  (falsetto) Nooo, I've told you, there's no one here
       named "Diversity"!

> in nearly every chapter, and warnings that our only hope is

> to promote and foster "diversity" in every aspect of American
> society.

MIKE:  Fortunately, I'll be there to stop it.

> In addition to this we find the declaration, in so many
> words, that we cannot stop Third World immigration.

SERVO: You ever notice no one calls for a fence along the
       -Canadian- border?

> The long and short of the Toffler's recommended vision for
> America is a society consisting of atomized and disconnected
> individuals of every race, unified as members of a giant

> network harmoniously exchanging their thoughts and ideas,

MIKE:  Wait a minute.  Disconnected, but unified as a network?
SERVO: You know, the WB.
MIKE:  Ohhhh.
CROW:  Kiss the frog, baby.

> and out of all this will emerge a "new civilization" in the
> land that was once America.

MIKE:  In my vision of the future, people will cease evolving.

> It is just a repackaging of all the old liberal
> hallucinations of the past:

CROW:  Ahh, Jerry Garcia designer neckties.

> "the brotherhood of man," "the unity of mankind,"

> "one-world," "the new world order,"

SERVO: Hey, that one's George Bush's.

> "equality" and on and on in the same old tired vein.

MIKE:  The welfare of others is so boring.

> Like trendy leftists everywhere these days,

SERVO: Here's Fidel in a beautiful camisole.

> the Tofflers do pay obeisance to "market forces"


> but then the economic structure was never really the reason
> behind our enemies' calls for revolution anyway.

CROW:  They love vodka, see, Commies love -vodka-, and they
       didn't know how else to call for another "round"!
       Ha-ha!  "Round"!  Heh-heh... a-heh... ahem.  Never mind.

> As the Tofflers and their sycophants -- both Republican and
> Democrat --

SERVO: Strom Thurmond never makes a move with consulting Alvin
MIKE:  Or tea leaves.  Or something.

> call for increased "diversity" as the remedy for our ills,

SERVO: Try new improved "Diversity," with hexachlorophine,
       retsyn, Nutrasweet, the strongest pain reliever you can
       buy without a prescription, -and- that fresh pine scent.

> more and more White Americans are coming to the realization
> that "diversity" is the cause of our problems rather than
> the cure.

SERVO: I wouldn't have lost my job, broke up with my girl,
       or caught my head in that mechancal rice picker, except
       for "diversity."
CROW:  Our class-action suit disputes "diversity"'s claims
       of weight reduction, hair restoration, and control of
       diabetes and angina.
MIKE:  "Diversity" has a fabulously crowded social register.

> As ever-increasing numbers of our people, especially in urban
> areas,

SERVO: No way.  I peeked at the end of this post and saw your
       geographic market.
MIKE:  Dukes of Hazzard?
CROW:  Hooterville.
> are finding it necessary to live behind electronic
> surveillance systems, armed security guards, and barred
> windows --

MIKE:  And be interrogated by a woman named Inga.

> all aimed at keeping "diversity" at bay --

CROW:  Ohh.  So now "diversity" means "homicidal ethnic burglar
       looking for crack money."

> they will come to understand that in order for our nation
> to survive, diversity is something to be prevented, not
> promoted.

ALL:   Conform!  Conform!

> A creative, conquering spirit still lies suppressed within
> the consciousness of our people.

CROW:  Ahh, the good old days of McCarthyism, Kent State,
       and Grenada.
MIKE:  What was creative about all that?
SERVO: The justifications at the time.
MIKE:  Ohhhh.

> That spirit has sustained us since the beginning of our
> existence.

SERVO: Now with one-third fewer calories.

> It will emerge again.

MIKE:  And if it sees its shadow....

> Instead of conquering a vast wilderness or exploring
> uncharted regions of territory or knowledge,

SERVO: We should cower in our holes and shun the light.

> we must come to realize that the present struggle is an
> intellectual and spiritual one within ourselves.

SERVO: It only makes sense to open the presents now!
CROW:  No, you have to wait till Christmas morning.
SERVO: But they're already under the tree!
CROW:  Santa knows if you've been bad or good.
CROW:  (sigh) Santa's very disappointed in you.

> In order to have any chance of survival we must purge
> from our minds the popular superstitions and fetishes
> popularized by the media.

MIKE:  He probably means all of 'em, doesn't he?
SERVO: That's as ripe a crop as the "enemies of America" bit.

> We must reject the do-gooding hallucination

CROW:  (as Dudley) I'm not really here, Nell.

> of "brotherhood," the self-hate

SERVO: The Michael Jackson-Kurt Cobain collaboration.

> that has been so cleverly injected into so many of our
> people,

CROW:  Yes, yes, polluting their precious bodily fluids, ENOUGH

> and of course, the destructive alien doctrine of liberalism
> and its parent, equalitarianism,

MIKE:  Open-mindedness and fairness may already be harming
       your children.

> regardless of whether we hear them from conservatives or

> liberals, Republicans or Democrats.

CROW:  Warmongers or wimps.
SERVO: Tom or Rosanne.
MIKE:  Flo or Eddie.
CROW:  David or Hasselhoff.
SERVO: Sinclair or Sheridan.
MIKE:  Truth or Dare.

> After that battle has been won, the job of straightening
> out North America and our people's homelands around the
> world will be comparatively easy.

MIKE:  At least compared to being a meddling busybody -and-
       a frothing isolationist.

> That is why the enemies of America are so terrified that
> you might wake up.

SERVO: I'm really cranky when Commies knock at 7:30 on

> **This article was based on the *American Dissident Voices*
> program of 1st July, 1995.

SERVO: Adapted for the screen by Squintin' Moron-tino.



CROW:  All right, anti-democracy nuts at 9:00, income-tax
       abolitionists at 10:00, gay rights folks at 11:00,
       then, uh, break for lunch!

> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ALL:   (singing) Dashing through the show,
       With a dead horse that we beat...
SERVO: Hey, that's got potential.

> The only truly uncensored patriotic radio program in America,

MIKE:  Yeah, we can swear if we want to.

> is now heard worldwide on shortwave,

ALL:   (singing) Mammy's little baby loves shortwave,

> on satellite,

CROW:  And, oh, do -we- wish otherwise.

> and on AM and FM radio in most of North America.

SERVO: But we keep getting drowned out by NPR stations.
CROW:  Or any kid with a Talkboy.


> Saturday 11:30am Central Time...............15420 kHz
> via WRNO
> Saturday  8:00pm Central Time................7355 kHz
> via WRNO
> Sunday    7:30pm Central Time................7355 kHz
> via WRNO

MIKE:  Not -this- satellite, buster.
CROW:  If I'm trying to watch Babylon 5, and this doof's signal
       blocks it....

> NEW TIME! beginning in September 1995

> Saturday  6:00pm Central Time...............C1, channel 15,
>                                             7.56 MHz audio
> from the Gulf of Mexico to the Dakotas

ALL:   (singing) To the shores of Tripoli....

> and Minnesota,

MIKE:  Where all the opinions are strong, free men are caught
       looking, and it's chilling how awfully they love
SERVO: Close.  Extra points for effort.

> plus parts of south central Canada via KAAY, Little Rock,
> Arkansas:

SERVO: Ooo-KAAY, Little Rock!  To get you going on that morning
       commute, here's some Hootie and the Blowfish!

> Friday night/Saturday morning
>           1:00am Central Time.......1090 on your AM dial
> Saturday night
>           11:30pm Central Time......1090 on your AM dial
> from Minnesota and Iowa west to Colorado and Montana,

ALL:   (singing) We will fight our country's ba-at-tles....

> plus a large part of western Canada

CROW:  Yeah, the Yukon.
SERVO: Challenge To Be Free 2: The Quickening.

> via KXEL, Waterloo, Iowa:
> Mon-Fri   9:30pm Central Time.......1540 on your AM dial

CROW:  Could this be interpreted as a stab at Our President?
MIKE:  Mmmm... could be.

> (these stations can be heard in most of Arkansas)
> via KMTL, Little Rock:
> Saturday 10:00am.....................760 on your AM dial

SERVO: Come on!  You can't hear an AM station in Arkansas at
       the far end of the same building!
CROW:  Get a new squirrel for the transmitter generator.
MIKE:  Guys... you're weakening again.
CROW:  Oops.
SERVO: Oh.  Sorry, Arkansas.

> via KAAY, Little Rock:
> Friday night/Saturday morning

>           1:00am....................1090 on your AM dial
> Saturday  11:30pm...................1090 on your AM dial
> via KSEY AM-FM,

SERVO: Didn't he play Shaggy?
CROW:  That's a stretch.

> Seymour:

ALL:   (singing) Suddenly, Sey-mour....

> Saturday 8:30am.....................94.3 on your FM dial
> Saturday 10:00am....................1230 on your AM dial

> via KGOL, Houston:

CROW:  Greetings to all Klingons working at NASA!

> Saturday 6:00pm.....................1180 on your AM dial
> via WAJF and WYAM,

MIKE:  What is this, a rugmaking class?
SERVO: You're thinking warp and weft.
MIKE:  Ohhh.

> Decatur/Hartselle:

SERVO: The Swedish Chef's drumming up business again.

> Wednesday 9:00am....................1490 on your AM dial
> Wednesday 9:00am.....................890 on your AM dial
> via WTIS, St. Petersburg:
> Saturday 11:30am....................1110 on your AM dial

MIKE:  What, nothing for -my- area?
SERVO: Not since you got stranded up here, friend.


> via WALE, Providence:
> Saturday 10:30am.....................990 on your AM dial

CROW:  Is it me, or are all of these markets just the
       teensiest bit conservative?
MIKE:  Let me see your papers, please.

> For further information write to:
> National Alliance
> PO Box 90
> Hillsboro, WV 24946

> Please include $1 for postage.

MIKE:  It's really only 32 cents, but if you bought the
       other crap, you'll probably buy this.

> National Alliance can also be reached at:
> WORLD WIDE WEB: (if unavailable,

MIKE:  I'm not doing anything tonight.

> try our ftp site)
> FTP SITE:, path /pub/NA/NA

ALL:  NA NA NAAH NAAH, hate, hate, hate, good-bye!


       (S.O.L.  Mike and the bots are dressed for
Christmas carolling.)

MIKE:  (singing) Dashing through the crap,
       Dished out by right-wing nuts,
       But there's one special sap,       
       Who champions stinky butts!

CROW:  Tobacco in his state
       Is always Number One,
ALL:   So let's make him our candidate
       For an Oval Office run!

       Oh, Jessie Helms, Jessie Helms,
       Leader of the South!
       We can hear you better with
       Your foot stuck in your mo-outh!

       Jessie Helms, Jessie Helms,
       Leader of the PACs!
       Oh, what fun that one Right-Winger
       Still despises blacks!

GYPSY: If you're from out of town,
       He doesn't think you're good,
       I'd like to see his car break down
       In an urban neighbor-'Hood!

SERVO: His diplomatic crafts
       Are uglier than his suit,
ALL:   As President, he'd be more laughs
       Than Quayle, Perot or Newt!

       Oh, Jessie Helms, Jessie Helms,
       Carolina's shame!
       If he doesn't like stuff, he'll
       Find foreigners to bla-ame!

       Jessie Helms, Jessie Helms,
       Filling us with mirth,
       Longing for the good old days
       When dinos ruled the earth!

MIKE:  What do you think, sirs?

       (Deep 13.  Dr. F, looking around forlornly.)

DR. F: ... Frank?  Oh, don't tell me you left already!
       Frank!  Fra-ank!

       (Jazzy drum music, a la THE MASK, starts.  Frank
jumps into the scene from S.R., with huge, black-streaked
hair [and the spitcurl], a domino mask, blue skin, and red

FRANK: (singing) Who is newly re-employed?
         Frankazoid, Frankazoid!
       Who gets Doctor F annoyed?
         Frankazoid, Frankazoid!
       He's a sidekick once agan,
         Frankazoid, Frankazoid!
       Strengh of one-point-oh-one men,
         Frankazoid, Frankazoid!
           The chicks all flock around him,
           But Doctor F will pound him --

       (Insert special guest appearance by Mister Fistie
here.  Dr. F nails Frank with a gorgeous right cross.)

FRANK: (cross-eyed) That's one punch I should avoid,
         Frankazoid... Fra-a-an-nk-az-z-zzz....

       (Frank does a slow-Moe fade to the floor.)

DR. F: Good to have you back, Doughy Guy.  Push the
       button, there's a good lad.

       (Frank's trembling hand appears above the console,
then flops onto the button.)

       \  |  /
        \ | /
      ---( )---   (((pwhohhhffhh)))
        / | \
       /  |  \

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

All shtick and lyrics © 1996 by Tom Smith. All rights reserved.

Many thanks to Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa for sharing the pain.

> In order to have any chance of survival we must purge
> from our minds the popular superstitions and fetishes
> popularized by the media.

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