The Lucifier Journals, Part 1
MSTied by Tom Smith
SERVO: Now, what did Dr. F say this was this?
MIKE: "A conspiracy theory straight from the mouth of Satan."
CROW: Ohhh, we're all gonna take *that* seriously.
> From izzy.net!aanews.merit.net!imci3!newsfeed.internetmci.com
> Thu May 23 07:18:04 1996
> Path: izzy.net!aanews.merit.net!imci3!newsfeed.internetmci.com
> From: "Dr. Paintbrush and etc."
MIKE: Cower, evil-doers! It is I, Dr. Paintbrush!
CROW: And I, Etcetera!
SERVO: Naah, just "et-kh".
> [email protected]>
> Newsgroups: talk.politics.drugs,rec.drugs.cannabis,
MIKE: This is Satan. This is Satan on drugs. Any questions?
CROW: Christianity! Now with the Peyote Vision-Quest.
SERVO: You mean we *didn't* have to go after Colonel Kurtz?
SERVO: Ranging kinda far afield here, isn't he?
MIKE: Not really. The best cannabis always makes you see
Heathens From Beyond The Stars.
CROW: I think *all* religions try to b.s. you.
SERVO: I've played Pagan Pac-Man. It goes, "Wicca, wicca,
CROW: [Basil Fawlty] Ohh, thank you *very* much.
> Subject: Lucifiers Journals 1-5
CROW: What, is that for Ricky Ricardo's oral gratifi-
MIKE: Crow, don't you dare.
> Date: Wed, 22 May 1996 23:57:08 -0700
> Organization: Aries Foundation (marsram spelled backwards
> spells marsram)
CROW: Serutan spelled backwards is Natures.
SERVO: Dickweed spelled backwards is ludicrous.
> Lines: 276
SERVO: Ho boy. Settle in, guys.
> Once upon a time
MIKE: [little kid] Lucifer, read me a story.
> in a reality out of time,
SERVO: Out of time, but once *upon* a time?
MIKE: Time must be flat and hollow.
CROW: I *had* been thinking Star Trek: Voyager.
> Lucifier whom his friends called Lu,
SERVO: Little Satan Lu Who!
CROW: Who was no more than two.
> pondered a thought.
MIKE: Beelzebub, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
> This thought being how boring it was to live forever.
SERVO: Who wants to live forever?
> Ah if only I could live in a state of nothingness
CROW: Welcome to Northern Minnesota.
> no rewards no punishments.
SERVO: What a coincidence. We have no rewards, no punctuation.
> Lucifier (Lu)
CROW: What the hell...?
MIKE: So to speak.
CROW: Yeah, but -- that's the periodic symbol for
Demon Liquor, or something.
> had a high official position in the kingdom of haven
SERVO: Ohhhh! *I* get it! Haven, *Heaven*!
CROW: This startling metaphor brought to you by The
> ( def: a safe place).
MIKE: The Def Heavenly Jam.
> This he was very thankful for.He could come
> and go as he pleased. Just a thought in Haven and you're there.
SERVO: This sounds like The Mamas And The Papas.
> A talented musician, he would often entertain the other angels.
CROW: He also made balloon animals for the kids.
> One day when he was performing in the Garden
SERVO: Madison Square Garden.
> he asked the other angels(believe me there was alot of angels)
SERVO: Ohhh, *I* believe you.
MIKE: What, did this guy find God's guest book or something?
> if they were tried of living forever.
MIKE: [rocker] All right, St. Louis! Are you tried of living
BOTS: [crowd noises, then] ... Huh?
> One third of them said yes and elected Lu to go ask GOD
> if they could be put in the land of nothingness.
MIKE: Jean-Paul Satan's "Being and Nothingness."
> The other two-thirds althrough opposed
SERVO: [singing, "All Through The Night"]
Two-thirds of the other aa-aan-gels,
All... through... opposed.
> stated they were sympathetic with their cause.
CROW: G'bye, kids! Have fun stormin' the castle.
> . Lu approarched GOD and said "Me and one third of the
> other angels are tried of living in Haven.
SERVO: Me am Bizarro Satan. Try do good, so God hate me.
> I know you have given me a most high postion
SERVO: Tom Postion on "Grace Under Fire."
> but I'm sleepy I just want to sleep forever.
ALL: I'm so sleepy, I can barely stay awake.
> I know I have the
> ability to travel in Haven with just a thought,.
SERVO: The Exposition, ladies and gentlemen.
> The ability to taste light,,touch light and merge with light.
CROW: Great. The Catholic Church spent two thousand years
locked in mortal combat with a folk musician who can
tell if his beer is low-cal.
> The bottom line GOD I'm tried so what do you think."
SERVO: [as God] Well, between the powers and the angst,
it sounds as if you're finally ready to be an X-Man.
MIKE: Between powers and angst lies... Obsession.
> God looked at Lu and said thats out of the question.
> I created you to live forever and ByGOD
> thats what you are going to do. Lu looked up at GOD and
> said I thought as much.
MIKE: Lu sounds suspiciously like Thomas Covenant.
CROW: Or Tim Benzidrene.
> Lu also stated that one third of the other angels were
> tried of forever and wanted the land of nothingness.
SERVO: The Land of Dairy Queen.
> Still that did not change GOD's feelings on that subject.
MIKE: And so, Lucifer is banished from the Debate Team.
> Lu althrough rejected about being rejected
MIKE: ... Hanh?
SERVO: Now *that's* a double negative.
> approached the one third of angels in the garden. Beezebell
CROW: [old Minnesota lady] That's how the bees know dinner's ready.
SERVO: [old Minnesota lady] Oh my, yes.
> Lucifier's friend and fellow muscian
SERVO: Does that mean he supported Edmund Muskie for president?
MIKE: No, they both like pike fishing.
CROW: No, they both collect designer fragrances.
> knew right a way the answer
CROW: [Monty Python femme] Nobody asked for an answer,
you take that right a-way!
> just by looking at Lu 's sad angelic face.
SERVO: Not so loud.
> LUCIFIER AND THE ONE THIRD REBELLED SHOULD BE QUITE CLEAR.
> NOT TO OVERTHROW BUT TO BE PARDONED TO THE STATE OF NOTHINGNESS.
MIKE: Maybe the One Third just wanted Lucifer to stop playing.
> ONE MORE THING WHY DO YOU THINK LUCIFIER HAD SO MUCH POWER AND
> KNOWLEDGE IN HAVEN?
SERVO: Ummm... because GOD gave it to him?
> PERHAPS HE LOOKED LIKED JESUS MAYBE EVEN TWINS.TWINS EXIST ON
> EARTH WHY NOT IN HAVEN!!!!!
MIKE: Jesus and Lucifer Olsen.
CROW: Mike, no. Please.
> Just a thought..So the world evolves everyday round and round
SERVO: [singing, "The Circle Game"] And the painted ponies go
up and down....
CROW: The world evolves everyday round and round, and it
comes out here.
> but what changes? The position of the stars?
MIKE: Hello, I'm Ed Begley, Jr. Vote Democrat on November 5th.
> The eternal cosmic force? No, what changes is the
> attitudes of the masses.
SERVO: Not some... farcical aquatic ceremony!
> The witch hunt of Salem is on again!!!
ALL: [wild applause] Yaayy! Whoooo!! All right!
> Only it is diguised as a MORAL issue. Notice how small the word
> issue seems next to the word MORAL.
CROW: That's 'cause it's not in capital letters, ya dink.
> It seems the world confuses the isssues by using morals
> as a the righteous advocate that knowone should quarrel with.
MIKE: Meanwhile, deep in their graves, Strunk and White hit 300 rpm.
> What is true morals??
CROW: The non-poisonous kind, that go great with steak.
MIKE: That's "morels," Crow.
CROW: Well, duh.
> Some certain minorities in the world take upon themselves
> the idea that GOD is pure, righteous, and never could do
> no WRONG!
SERVO: [singing, "Oh Darling"] I'll never dooo yoou... no WRONG!
> Pure and Righteous I can accept but could do no wrong. Sorry
> I personally know better.
CROW: [snif] God picks on me all the time.
MIKE: Wait a minute.
MIKE: What Dr. F said! Is this goof actually gonna portray
*himself* as a wronged Satan?
SERVO: No. Ohh, no. No, that would be... well... maybe.
> It seems the world is in a dilemma. Damm if you don't,
SERVO: Van Damme if you do.
> salvation if you do.
SERVO: Van Damme if you don't.
> Seems like somebody or somebodies are toiling with our brains.
CROW: Sears Diehard Brains. Guaranteed forever!
MIKE: Thanks for not doing any Comedy Central jokes, guys.
SERVO: Don't mention it. No, really.
> There, see the dilemma?
SERVO: [Marlin Perkins] Jim didn't. While it gnaws his head
off, let me tell you about Mutual of Omaha....
> I personally do not like the idea that I must choose my messiah.
MIKE: I do not like this goofy spam,
I do not like it. Signed, I-Am.
> It almost seems like the gameshow to tell the truth. "Will the
> real messiah please stand up".
SERVO: He is *not* the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy!
> There is definitely a erie feeling that overcomes me.
MIKE: I'm shaking like the leaves on a fuzzy tree.
CROW: Which they used to have a lot of around Lake Erie.
> The feeling being, did I make the right choice???????
> Death should answer all my questions.
MIKE: He's confusing Death with The Encyclopedia Brittanica.
> I beckon the door of death but it hears not my calling.
CROW: Well, don't *point* to it, ya dickweed, *knock*!
> I carry no comfort in the thought of suicide.
SERVO: Boy, I've heard of hollow thoughts before, but admitting
he could carry stuff in 'em...!
> The sheer concept of the idea shivers me a chill to the likes
> I care not mention.
SERVO: Shiver me a chill! Arrr!
CROW: Man! This guy and the English language have an adversarial
> I know I must carry my burdon with me to the ends of the earth.
MIKE: Until we catch up with The Animals' reunion tour.
> I only ask that you stand with me.Too truely know me is to love me,
SERVO: [author] And I do.
> for all my parts will equal the total!!
CROW: Satan's a modular gas station?
> To know me is to love me.
SERVO: Uh, yeah, we *know*.
> What do you truly know of me?
CROW: Well, you rewrite mythology to conform to some weird
argument you haven't made yet, you flunked English your
whole life, and you think Lucifer is kinda like Pete Seeger.
> The only concept you know is what fellow-mankind has used for
> their own personal gains in the name of Christ.
SERVO: I don't know what I CAN'T PARSE! WILL YOU USE REAL
MIKE: Servo, take it easy.
> There is a thin line between a TV preacher and a politician
> do you know what it is? Give up?
MIKE: Huh? Give Up? DO YOU, ya losers?
> They both wear expensive suits and promise you everything if you
> believe in what they represent but give you nothing in return.
SERVO: Ummm... then, the "thin line" is what they have in common,
not what separates them,
CROW: Satan is not very popular at Mark's Comedy Castle.
> Mankind has not even begun to grasp what Jesus was really
> trying to portray.
SERVO: So Tom Hanks won the Oscar instead.
> Every miracle he preformed
MIKE: I prefer the old-fashioned, hand-sculpted miracles.
SERVO: Yeah, industrialization hurts even God.
> occurred instantly. It didn't take an hour for Lazarus to
> rise from the dead. Bingo!
CROW: [old Minnesota lady] Ohhh! *That's* why Bingo is so popular.
> Instantaneous means with just a thought. Hum.......
ALL: [three-part harmony] Hummmmmm....
> could heaven be a reality where you instantly think a thought
> and puff....
SERVO: Is this Heaven or RJR Reynolds?
> you're there???????? Are your Earthly
> experiences able to transcend this reality and be altered in the
> here-after???? Interesting THOUGHT don't you THINK ??????
CROW: Y'know who should be reading this aloud? William Shatner.
> This reality is a vibration, that is how the universe was created.(
MIKE: Awwww. The One-Eyed Frowny Face.
SERVO: G'kar in 2277.
> Example: the bass E string on a six string guitar is vibrating at a
> certain rate. Pretend that vibration is Earth as we see it.
CROW: Pretend the spaghetti is the meatball.
SERVO: Pretend the *author* is the meatball.
> The bass A string vibrates at a different rate and so do all
> the other strings. Each string represents an altered reality
CROW: Marvel Comics Presents: WHAT IF...? Django Rinehart met
Stevie Ray Vaughn?
> but we end up if you follow the string order to the tremble E.
> The top E string represents pure light or perfection.
MIKE: I'll never change that string again.
CROW: I'm just trying not to picture the Cosmic Capo.
SERVO: Yeah, or the Pick of Doom.
MIKE: The Wah-Wah Pedal of the Apocalypse.
CROW: The Chord Book of the Dead.
MIKE: Actually, I have that. It's got "Uncle John's Band."
> My own perfect dream would be to transcend time with I believe
> you Earthlings call UFO's.
SERVO: Ohh, so now he's not of this Earth?
CROW: Well, if he *is* Satan, that would kinda go without saying.
SERVO: If he *is* Satan, I'll eat Mike's socks with peanut butter.
> Universal Frequency Operative,
MIKE: Great. The Devil is an all-band radio.
> where I would then send "ships" back to retrieve all of Earths
> major prophets.
SERVO: [p.a.] The white zone is for loading and unloading. But...
you anticipated that.
> I would then assemble them in a part of the world where they
> could see the chaos they have caused. The resemblance between
> Jesus and myself is truly remarkable.
MIKE: Aww, jeez, I was right. He really does think he's Satan.
SERVO: Nice call, Kreskin.
> are we TWINS???????...................
CROW: So... which one is Satan? Schwarzeneggar or DeVito?
ALL: [singing] Dashing, dashing, dashing, dashing,
Dashing, dashing, dashing...
> ----------------------------------------- --
ALL: [singing] ... we're dashing, dashing, dashing, dashing,
MIKE: Ahhh, we simply *must* dash.
[S.O.L. The lights are going crazy, and the whole place
is rocking back and forth like the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise
on a bad day. Mike and the 'Bots hang on for dear life.]
MIKE: What the Sam Hill is goin' on? Gypsy, what's out there?
GYPSY: There's *nothing* out there, Mike! We're being pummeled
by unseen, unstoppable cosmic forces, and we're helpless!
SERVO: D'OHH! Good one, Nelson!
MIKE: Wh- What did *I* do!?
SERVO: I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure *I* didn't tick off
CROW: Guys! There's something coming in on the Hexfield Viewscreen!
[The Hexfield opens to reveal the Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse. Something is really, really familiar about them.]
ALL: HUGH BEAUMONT!?!?
HUGH: Hi, boys. Gypsy. How are you today?
MIKE: Well... I guess we're just fine, sir, except being pummeled
by unseen, unstoppable cosmic forces and all!
HUGH: Oh, that. [over his shoulder] Say, could you hold it down
back there just a minute, please? I said, HOLD IT DOWN!
[The S.O.L. stops shaking, and the alarm lights go out.
Mike and the 'Bots show general relief. We can now see that Hugh's
companions are Don Knotts dressed as Barney Fife, Rip Taylor in
full Vegas show regalia, and John Banner as Sgt. Shultz.]
HUGH: [over his shoulder] Thanks. This'll only take a minute.
[to Mike & 'Bots] Sorry about that, boys. You understand.
You can't build a New World Order without a little violence.
SERVO: New World Order...?
CROW: You mean, like Hall and Nash and Hollywood Hulk Hogan?
HUGH: NO, you little cigarette lighter, I mean THE END OF ALL
THAT IS! The Universe? The Final Conflict? Worlds dying
in ice and fire, remember? I swear, next time there's gonna
be a proper educational system in place, with emphasis on
the Classics, let me tell you!
MIKE: G-good idea, sir. --Did you say, The Final Conflict?
HUGH: ... Weren't you listening? I've half a mind to vaporize
this dog-bone of yours out of sheer disgust at your lack
of manners, young man.
MIKE: Sorry, sir.
HUGH: Yes, The Final Conflict! I and my brothers received the
signal to ride, spreading destruction throughout the cosmos.
[claps a hand to his forehead] But where are *my* manners?
Boys, I'd like you to meet Famine...
DON: [tips his deputy cap] Howdy-doo.
HUGH: ... War...
JOHN: [bows slightly from the waist] A pl-eah-zzhurr.
HUGH: ... and Pestilence.
RIP: [throws confetti] PLAGUES! Fresh plagues! Get 'em while
they're hot! Guys, I don't dance! This is it!
SERVO: A-heh. Sure.
MIKE: Nice to meet you.
CROW: A-and this is really it? The end of the universe?
HUGH: That's right, Crow. We received word of the final assault
of evil on the Fortress of Heaven, and now --
MIKE: Wait wait wait! Isn't that supposed to be *Satan's* final
assault on Heaven?
HUGH: [pleased] You know your Bible, son. That's good. Yes,
The Dark One has launched an all-out attack on the Center
Of All That's Good.
MIKE: W-well, I hate to contradict you, sir, but... I don't think
HUGH: [takes a menacing puff on his pipe] Now, why would you think
something like that, my young friend?
CROW: B-because Dr. Forrester's been planning *his* assault on
Heaven for months now.
SERVO: Yeah, and he just left, like, an hour ago.
HUGH: ... Did he.
MIKE: I'm afraid so, sir.
HUGH: I'll bet he tripped one of the perimeter alarms. There's
gonna be -- well, *something* to pay, I can promise you that.
MIKE: Sorry, sir.
HUGH: No, no, that's fine. It wasn't your fault, and you told the
truth. Your Moms would be proud.
SERVO: Thanks, Mister Beaumont.
CROW: Thanks, sir!
GYPSY: Yeah, thanks!
HUGH: You're welcome, boys. And Gypsy. Well, I guess we should
get going now. You all be good, and... Servo?
HUGH: Don't use the word "like" like that. It's just plain wrong.
SERVO: Oh, yessir!
HUGH: [over his shoulder] Horsemen, let's ride!
[The Hexfield closes.]
GYPSY: *That* was close.
SERVO: Yeah. Guys... did we just help save the universe?
MIKE: I sure hope so. I think Dr. Forrester's in big trouble,
CROW: Yeah, well, so are we.
MIKE: Why's that?
[Lights and sirens.]
CROW: We've got UseNet Sign!
MIKE & SERVO:
[To be continued....]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters
and situations are trademarks of and © 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material
is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights
or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
All shtick and lyrics © 1996 by Tom Smith.
All rights reserved.