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The Rocky Horror Muppet Show

A Rather Weird Script by Tom Smith

All Characters © by either Henson Associates or 20th Century Fox
Book and Lyrics of The Rocky Horror Show written by Richard O'Brien
All original lyrics and cockamamie arrangements written by Tom Smith
Dedicated with love to the memory of Paul Huffaker

The Characters

... and who portrayed them at the show's first performance (OVFF 1987)

  • Kermit the Frog (Dr. Frank N. Frogger) ... Tom Smith
  • Miss Piggy (Janet Wide) ... Mary Kay Kare
  • Scooter (Brad Lieutenants) ... Mike Stein
  • Gonzo the Great (RaffRiff) ... Bill Sutton
  • Annie Sue (Chartreuse) ... Mary Ellen Wessels
  • Janice (Nicaragua) ... Robin Nakkula
  • Dr. Strangepork (Dr. Eveready Von Schlock) ... not cast (basically a walk-on)
  • Link Hogthrob (Porky Horror) ... Alan Dormire
  • Fozzie Bear (Teddie) ... Mark Bernstein
  • Sam The Eagle (The Criminologist) ... Barry Childs-Helton
  • Rolph the Dog ... Joe Ellis
  • Statler ... Bill Roper
  • Waldorf ... Clif Flynt
  • The Prop Person ... not cast (because I was the only one who knew more or less what was going on....)
  • Two Convention Security People (again, basically walk-on) ... sorry, can't remember....
  • Our Very Special Guest Star (who turned out to be Mikhail Gorbachev) ... Mitchell Clapp

ACT I, Scene 1

Da Big Opening Number

(A bare, dark stage. A timpani roll is heard as Kermit the Frog sticks his upper body out from S.L. He is hit by a spotlight [well, the illumination from a spotlight].)

KERMIT
It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, (whoever)! Yaayy!

(The spotlight goes out; Kermit vanishes backstage. The opening strains from "The Muppet Show Theme" are heard. When we get to Zoot's first saxophone honk, the lights come up, and Miss Piggy, Annie Sue, and Janice strut from S.R. to S.L., singing:)

FEMALE MUPPETS (singing)
It's time to play the music,
It's time to light the lights,
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

(As the women exit, Scooter, Gonzo, Link, and Fozzie strut from S.L. to S.R., singing:)

MALE MUPPETS (singing)
It's time to put on make-up,
It's time to dress up right,
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

(From two stools off-stage past S.L., just to the right of the audience, Statler and Waldorf [each with a blanket over his legs] start to sing:)

WALDORF (singing)
We're finally glad we came here --

STATLER (singing)
We're ready as can be --

WALDORF (singing)
With rice and toilet paper --

STATLER and WALDORF (singing, each showing off a garter-festooned leg)
And garters at the knee!

(During the instrumental bridge, Gonzo, Miss Piggy, Scooter, Annie Sue, Link, Janice, and Fozzie return to form a chorus line. Kermit enters from S.L. and walks to S.C. behind the chorus line. The Prop Person appears unobtrusively at D.L., holding a cue-card which the audience cannot yet see.)

COMPANY (singing)
And now let's get things started!

(The Prop Person holds up the cue-card, so the audience can read its line.)

AUDIENCE (singing, from cue-card)
Why don't you get things started?

(As the audience sings its line, the chorus line parts in the middle, allowing Kermit to join them. The Prop Person leaves.)

KERMIT (singing)
It's time to get things started...

COMPANY (singing)
On the indescribable, barely plausible,
Unbelievable, Muppet-causable,
It's... the... Roc... ky...
Hor... ror... Mup... pet...
Shooooowww!

ACT I, Scene 2

Welcome, Wilkommen, Bein Venue, C'mon In

(The lights dim, except for a spotlight on Kermit. The rest of the cast goes offstage: females to S.L., males to S.R.)

KERMIT
Thank you! Thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show.

It's really great to be here tonight. This is the first Muppet Show we've ever done at a science fiction convention -- in fact, this is the first Muppet Show we've done in about fifteen years. As you may know, we made a few movies: The Muppet Movie, which was a great success; The Great Muppet Caper, which was not a great success; and... The Muppets Take Manhattan. (Long pause.) You guys thought I hated doing the scene where Miss Piggy and I got married? You didn't see the Honeymoon scene that got cut to save time. Five hundred pounds of karate expert in a six-cup brassiere... and she wants on top.

And then there was the Christmas Carol, and Treasure Island, and that whole Disney thing... well, anyway, the winds of Fate have brought us back to a quaintly familiar situation: we're strapped for cash. Even Scooter's uncle has given up on us. So, in a last-ditch attempt to regain our fortunes, credibility, and artistic standing, we have decided to explore one of the few areas of creative expression that The Muppet Show has not yet plumbed --

(Scooter walks through from S.R. to S.L., carrying two armfuls of chains, leather, rope, and undergarments. Kermit watches as he goes by and exits.)

SCOOTER (as he walks through)
All right, who got Cheez-Whiz all over the Iron Maiden?

KERMIT (shaking his head)
-- erm... depravity.

(Annie Sue enters, S.L., holding a bathrobe and a toy katana.)

ANNIE SUE
Kermit! I'm sorry to bother you, but...

KERMIT
Oh, that's all right, Annie Sue. What's the problem?

ANNIE SUE
Well, my French Maid costume is torn, and I don't have time to repair it. And I went to Miss Piggy to ask if I could borrow her Maid costume. And she gave me this. (She displays the bathrobe and sword.) And she said, "Here, dearie. Now you can be 'Maid in Japan'."

KERMIT
Oh, great. I HATE temperament! (yelling towards S.L.) SCOOTER!

(Scooter zips on from S.L.)

SCOOTER
Yeah, boss?

KERMIT
Scooter, Annie Sue's costume is ripped. Can you help her out? -- I mean, can you fix it?

SCOOTER
Sure, as soon as I finish with the props. It'll just be a minute.

ANNIE SUE
Oh, thanks, Scooter! You're a sweetheart.

(She gives him the costume, kisses him on the cheek, then exits, S.L. Scooter puts a hand to his cheek and stares after her.)

SCOOTER
She kissed me.

KERMIT
It sure looked that way.

SCOOTER
SHE kissed me.

KERMIT (tapping his foot impatiently)
The props, Scooter.

SCOOTER (looking at Kermit with real wonder)
She kissed ME!

KERMIT
WILL YOU GET OUTA HERE!?

(Scooter escapes, S.L. Fozzie enters, S.R., holding a script.)

FOZZIE
Ah, Kermit? Ker-mi-it! Ah, can we talk about my scene?

KERMIT
Um, actually, it's a little late for that, Fozz...

FOZZIE (keeps right on talking)
Oh, THANK you! Y'see, it's this part, right here... (looks at script, finds the part he's looking for, reads aloud) ... ahem: "Dr. Frank N. Frogger" (points at Kermit) -- that's you -- "suddenly has a huge axe in his hand. Swinging furiously, he chases Teddie" (points at self) -- that's me -- "all over the stage, until they finally both exit Stage Right (points to S.R.) -- over there -- "where, presumably, Teddie is axed to death." (Looks up, very distressed) The script calls for me to be AXED TO DEATH??

KERMIT (looks at script a moment)
Um, ah, yeah, it, ah, looks that way.

FOZZIE (looks at audience, then at Kermit)
This is not exactly a career move.

KERMIT
Fozzie, for cryin' out loud, it's a foam rubber axe! You won't be hurt at all!

FOZZIE
(wiping his brow) A-a-o-oh! Oh, thank goodness!

KERMIT
Sheesh.

(Scooter enters, S.L. He is holding a paper bag)

SCOOTER
Bad news, boss.

KERMIT (groans)
Now what?

SCOOTER
Animal ate the foam rubber axe. He thought it was a marshmallow from a box of giant-sized Lucky Charms.

KERMIT
Great! That's just great! Now how am I supposed to kill Fozzie?

FOZZIE
Don't say that!

SCOOTER
Oh, no problem. I borrowed something from Crazy Harry.

(Scooter pulls out a [toy] chainsaw from the bag and cranks it up. He exits, S.L. Fozzie follows him, ad-libbing Now-wait-just-a-minutes.)

ACT I, Scene 3:

The Guest Star On the Spot

KERMIT
That Scooter. A real cut-up.

Well, I actually do have to get ready for the show, but I'd like to introduce our very special guest star, (whoever)! Yayyy!

(The Guest Star enters, S.R., as Kermit exits, S.L. )

GUEST STAR
Thank you very much, Kermit. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to tonight's performance of the Rocky Horror Muppet Show. Being a part of this... display... is certainly an honor I never expected; and if I ever find out why I deserve it, I promise never, ever to do that again.

Kermit asked me to properly introduce our cast before we begin, and I guess we could start with the most important. The original Rocky Horror Picture Show is, of course, an audience participation show. That being the case, you have all been written into the script. When your lines come up, our prop person will flash a cue card for you right over there (points to D.L.). Try not to blow it.

And now, our Muppets for this evening.

You've already met our dashing hero, Kermit the Frog. Kermit plays that maddest of mad scientists, Dr. Frank N. Frogger, whose only goal in life is getting a little long pig on the hoof.

Next is that Divine Swine, the delectable -- and strictly kosher -- Miss Piggy.  (Piggy enters, S.R.) Piggy portrays our heroine, Janet Wide, a young woman completely innocent to the ways of, shall we say, sins of the flesh.

(As Piggy beings to exit, S.R., the Guest Star speaks confidentially to the audience.)

 So who do they give the part to? The pioneer of sodomy for preschoolers. I mean, a pig and a frog!? Come ON.

(Miss Piggy, who has not quite exited, wraps an arm around his throat.)

MISS PIGGY
Voulez-vous survive the show, twerp?

GUEST STAR (choking in a headlock)
Of course, there's a lot to be said for exposing the kids to alternative lifestyles.

(Piggy lets him go and exits. He straightens his rumpled throat and continues, glaring sideways after her.)

GUEST STAR (muttering)
I hope the banquet serves pork chops.

Anyway, next is the Muppet Show's perennial gofer, Scooter. (Scooter enters, S.L.) Scooter plays Janet's fiancé, Brad Lieutenants, a fine, upstanding young American -- blindly patriotic, blatantly chauvinistic, crusading against the evils of the sexual revolution and demonic rock-n-roll...

(The Prop Person enters, S.L., holding up a cue card with the word "ASSHOLE" written on it. The audience should take its cue quite well, thank you, to which the Guest Star should respond with a beaming smile and a "thumbs up".)

SCOOTER (looking hurt)
It's not my fault there's a superficial resemblance! I'm competent and everything! Why should I have to play that geek?

GUEST STAR
Hmmm. You COULD play Rocky Horror -- show off some skin, love scenes with Miss Piggy...

SCOOTER (walks to Guest Star and vigorously shakes his head)
Hi! I'm Brad Lieutenants!

(Scooter exits, S.L. The Guest Star grins at the audience, bouncing his eyebrows a la Groucho Marx or Bugs Bunny.)

GUEST STAR
Next up is that innovative... whatever-he-is, Gonzo the Great. (Gonzo enters, S.R.) Gonzo plays that model of loyalty and sartorial Splendor, the butler, RaffRiff.

GONZO (quite miffed)
Oh, what would you know about it? I've got to play a stupid butler! I could have played the Sonic Transducer -- I begged Kermit for a chance! But noOOOo! (He exits, S.R. )

GUEST STAR
Never a dull moment.

Playing that delightful domestic, Chartreuse, we have Miss Piggy's understudy, the lovely and talented Annie Sue. (Annie Sue enters, S.L., curtseys, and exits, S.L.) Some pig.

More and more rock stars are convinced that they can act. In this spirit, we present Janice, lead singer from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. (Janice enters, S.R.) Janice plays Frank N. Frogger's groupie, Nicaragua.

JANICE
Oh, wow, like, this is SUCH a trip, you know? I mean, I -- like, this is such an awesome production, I can't even comprehend it, you know? So, like, I think I'm gonna go backstage and soothe my jangled nerves with some organic munchies, you know? So, like, I'll catch you later, okay? (She exits, S.R.)

GUEST STAR
Ahhh. Now how many rockers today feel such a sense of responsibility toward setting a good example for today's youth?

JANICE (backstage)
Ah, shit! Where's my Seagram's?

GUEST STAR (somewhat stricken)
One less than I thought, apparently.

Next is Dr. Strangepork, as Dr. Eveready von Schlock. (Strangepork enters, S.L.) Fresh from the movie "Swine Trek 3: The Search for Better Jokes," Dr. Strangepork continues the long and honored Hollywood tradition of the Well-Meaning Scientist, who not only WOULDN'T know a hostile alien life form until it bites him on the ass, but usually DOESN'T.

DR. STRANGEPORK (mit ein thhick Cherrmann aczent)
Laugh now, Bunkie. I been making big bucks on rrradio und cable TV.

GUEST STAR
Really! Doing what?

DR. STRANGEPORK (does an imitation of Dr. Ruth)
You like zex all zhe time, yes? Good for you! Zex is verrry good? Yes? Good for you! (sounds like Strangepork again) Folks eat zhat crrap up! (Exits, S.L.)

GUEST STAR (hand over eyes, shakes head)
Oy. (recovering) Next we have Link Hogthrob, playing that incredible ham, Porky Horror. (Link enters, S.R.) Link co-starred in "Swine Trek 3" with Dr. Strangepork, and (turns to Link) isn't it true that you accepted THIS part so you could be closer to Miss Piggy?

LINK (offended)
HAH! A malicious rumor! I am, first and foremost, an AC-TOR! And working with Miss Piggy in this production should result in my greatest role. (aside to the audience) A roll in the hay! (He exits S.R., chuckling.)

GUEST STAR (watching him go)
Well. That should be fatal. -- Interesting.

Playing the motorcycling rock'n'roller, Teddie, is everyone's favorite, the funny, furry, Fozzie Bear.

(Fozzie enters, S.L., intensely reading a script.)

FOZZIE
Maybe it's a mistake! I can't get killed off after one lousy song! I-I've got too many good jokes, too many puns... (trails off, slowly turns to look at audience, an obvious idea brewing. ) Wakka wakka!

(Fozzie exits, S.R. The Guest Star looks after Fozzie, then at audience, then closes his eyes and shakes his head.)

GUEST STAR
No.

And last, but certainly not least, playing the Criminologist, we have Sam the Eagle. (Sam enters, S.R., looking very self-important.) Now, some people suggested that we cast Dr. Bunsen Honeydew as the Criminologist, due to the obvious physical resemblance; however, we felt that red-neck was better than no neck at all.

(Sam gives him a withering look, then clears his throat.)

SAM
Ahem. Before this tasteless little production begins, I'd like to say a few words about decadence in our society...

GUEST STAR
My, my, just look at the time. The show's just about to start. Enjoy, folks!

(The Guest Star grabs Sam and ushers him off S.R. as Sam protests vigorously [ad-lib]. The lights go down.)

ACT I, Scene 4:

The Wedding

(Before the lights come up, the Prop Person sets up a cardboard-cutout car and a few cardboard tombstones. The car is decorated for newlyweds, and the side is lettered, "When puppeteers shake hands, is it foreplay?" As the lights come up, Gonzo, Janice, and Annie Sue enter, S.L., playing the Wedding March on kazoos. The Guest Star enters, S.R. One hand is behind his back.)

GUEST STAR
We.... ah... we couldn't afford wedding clothes either. Or a car. Or a band. (Pulls hand from behind back; he is holding a bouquet.) Or a bride.

(He moves upstage. As lights come up, Miss Piggy and Scooter enter, S.L., and wait.)

MISS PIGGY
Oh, I wonder who will catch the bride's bouquet?

(She delivers this line VERY rhetorically, as if she knows perfectly damn well who's going to catch it -- and in fact she produces a baseball mitt and stands like a shortstop. She looks expectantly at the Guest Star, who rolls his eyes, shrugs, and halfheartedly lobs it...right over her head, into the hands of Scooter [who should move as little as possible when catching it]. Scooter looks at Piggy innocently.)

MISS PIGGY (glaring at Scooter)
GIMME that!

(Scooter sets the world's speed record in bouquet-handling. Miss Piggy goes all fluffy-dainty again, squealing with delight.)

MISS PIGGY
I got it! I got it! (She moves to D.L. and talks to the audience.) And this time, that frog's not getting' away!

GUEST STAR
(walking to meet Scooter at S.C.) Well, I guess we really did it, huh, Brad?

SCOOTER
Uh, I guess so. Ah -- which one are you supposed to be right now? Betty or Ralph?

GUEST STAR (perturbed)
Ralph. Ralph!

ROLPH (appears from the wing, S.R.)
Somebody call for me?

SCOOTER and GUEST STAR
NO! Not you, Rolph! Ralph!

ROLPH (chastened)
Oh, sorry. Well, if you guys see Kermit, tell him I'm looking' for him, okay?

GUEST STAR (exasperated)
Fine! Great! Not now! (Rolph exits.) Where were we?

SCOOTER
I can't remember.

GUEST STAR
Neither can I. Oh well, it's not important. Time for that big love song with Miss Piggy. (He gives Scooter a gentle slug on the jaw.) Chin up, buckaroo.

(The Guest Star hustles off, S.R. Scooter loosens his collar and gulps loudly. Piggy walks over, thoroughly disgusted. Kermit comes around at the front of S.L., almost in the audience, to watch.)

MISS PIGGY
C'mon, let's get this over with.

ROLPH (appearing next to Kermit, in front of stage)
Oh, there you are, Kermit. We got a problem.

KERMIT
Oh, great. Now what?

ROLPH (scratching his head in dismay)
Well, I don't quite know how to put this, but... Animal ate the sheet music.

KERMIT
WHAT!? But Piggy and Scooter have a song coming up in about nine seconds!

ROLPH
Like I said: a problem. Any suggestions, apart from sneaking up to the Con Suite and forgetting this turkey?

KERMIT (fretting, then suddenly gets an idea)
When in doubt, remember the words of desperate filkers everywhere!

ROLPH
What words are those?

KERMIT (pushing Rolph backstage)
"You can sing anything you want to 'Alice's Restaurant'!" C'mon!

(The proper intro chords to "Dammit Janet" are heard.)

SCOOTER
Hey, Janet...

MISS PIGGY (bored and impatient)
Yes, Brad?

SCOOTER (nervous)
... I've got something to say...

MISS PIGGY (yawns)
Uh huh?

SCOOTER (rolls his eyes)
... I feel like a jerk.

MISS PIGGY (suddenly ready to kill)
WHAT?!?

SCOOTER (quickly recovers)
I mean -- I really loved the ...

(Scooter looks lost in thought. Miss Piggy taps her foot impatiently. Scooter finally produces a thesaurus and looks up a word, zinging his index finger up in an exaggerated "Aha!" when he finds it.)

SCOOTER
... skillful way... you beat the other girls... to the bride's bouquet.

(Music starts. "Alice's Restaurant," specifically. Scooter and Miss Piggy look around, incredibly confused.)

MISS PIGGY
What the HECK is this?

SCOOTER
That's not "Dammit Janet"! That's "Alice's Restaurant"!

MISS PIGGY
I know that, you clown! Why are they playing it?

SCOOTER
How should I know?

MISS PIGGY
You're the gofer! You're supposed to know what's going on!

SCOOTER
But, Miss Piggy, this is an SF convention! Nobody knows what's going on!

MISS PIGGY
Well, what are we supposed to do?

SCOOTER shrugs
Wait for it to come around again on the guitar, I guess.

(They do and it does. N.B. Every line in the following song is punctuated by Statler and Waldorf, who say either "Janet" or "Oh Brad" at the appropriate point. The audience should kick in fairly quickly.)

DAMMIT JANET
(Music: Alice's Restaurant)

SCOOTER

The river was deep but I swam it,
The future is ours, so let's plan it,
So please don't tell me to can it,
Dammit Janet, I love you!

The road was long but I ran it,
There's a fire in my heart and you fan it,
If there's one fool for you, then I am it,
Dammit Janet, I love you! (Ba dump bump bump)

Here's a ring to prove... that I'm no joker,
There's three ways that love can grow,
That's good, bad or mediocre...
Oh, Janet, I love you so!

MISS PIGGY
This is nicer than Betty Monroe had,
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad,
That you met Mom and you know Dad...
Brad, I'm mad for you, too. (Ba dump bump bump)

Oh, Brad...

SCOOTER
Dammit...

MISS PIGGY
I'm mad...

SCOOTER
Janet...

MISS PIGGY
For you...

SCOOTER
I love you, too...

SCOOTER and MISS PIGGY
There's one thing left to do...

SCOOTER
And that's go see the man who began it,
When we met in his science exam-it,
Made me give you the eye and then panic --
Dammit Janet, I love you.

Ba da da dah da da da dah, Dammit Janet, I love you!

(They move to kiss, but both turn their heads and say "Bleah" at the last instant. Then, as soon as the applause [if any] is complete, both exit S.L., Miss Piggy first.)

MISS PIGGY
WHOSE STUPID IDEA WAS THAT?!? I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY! (Etc., ad-lib)

ACT I, Scene 5:

The Criminologist

(A few actors hustle out on stage and remove the remaining props from the Wedding. Sam the Eagle enters, S.R. He is carrying a black book.)

SAM
I would like... What I'd like is to get out of this ridiculous production.

KERMIT (sticking his head out of the wing at S.L.)
Sam! Will you please just do your lines?

SAM (looking offended)
Harrumph! -- I would like... if I may... to take you on a strange journey. (The theme from the Twilight Zone starts up. Sam is perturbed.) Not THAT strange journey, you nincompoops! (The music stops) Harrumph! As I was saying, Brad Lieutenants and his fiancée, Janet Wide, two young, weird kids, left wherever-they-were that night to visit Dr. Eveready Schlock, another weird friend of theirs. (closes book)

STATLER
Hey, Sam! Is it true that you keep nude pictures of Madonna in that book?

SAM (ignores Statler momentarily)
It's true...

(Suddenly flustered as he realizes he got caught, Sam tries to regain his composure.)

SAM
Uh... It's true there were dark storm clouds that night --

STATLER and WALDORF (bored monotone)
We know, we know. Heavy, black, and pendulous.

STATLER
Haven't you got any light, white fluffy clouds in that book?

WALDORF
Sure, but they're the only things covering the nude shots of Madonna!

(Statler and Waldorf both laugh. Sam trembles with rage.)

SAM
Fine! You guys laugh it up out here. I'll see you in Act Two!

STATLER
Not if we see you first!

(They laugh; Sam stalks off, S.R. The lights dim.)

ACT I, Scene 6:

Moving Right Along

(The lights come up on Miss Piggy and Scooter sitting in a couple of chairs, pretending to ride in a car. Piggy is reading a newspaper and eating something tacky, like Pringles; Scooter is driving. They are listening to a tape of Frank Hayes singing "Never Set the Cat On Fire."

MISS PIGGY
Brad, do we really have to visit Dr. Schlock? I mean, he was always so weird back in class. All those (shivers with distaste) visual aids!

SCOOTER
Now, Janet, he's just a harmless old man.

MISS PIGGY
Mm-hmm. That's what they said about Ben Kenobi and Ronald Reagan.

(Suddenly, they both jump as if the "car" suffers a blowout.)

MISS PIGGY
What was that bang?

SCOOTER (straightening glasses)
The stage must be collapsing under your weight!

MISS PIGGY (on her feet, ready to kill)
WHAT!?

SCOOTER (terrified for his life)
-- I mean, we must have a blow! O-Out! A blowout! A tire! A tire! A flat tire!

(Miss Piggy stares at him long and hard, then holds up one hand with finger and thumb pinched real close, as if saying "missed it by that much.")

MISS PIGGY
One more like that and I'm gonna drop-kick you all the way to Middle-Earth!

FOZZIE (appears in the wings, S.R.)
Heyyy! Would that make him a... Mordor Scooter? Wakka wakka!

(He vanishes when Miss Piggy glares at him. Piggy turns back to the quaking Scooter.)

MISS PIGGY (between clenched teeth)
Well, come on, bozo, we're singing' in the rain.

(She and Scooter "exit" the car, and she holds the newspaper over her head. Kermit appears in front of S.L.)

KERMIT
We, ah, we still have a problem, Piggy.

MISS PIGGY (all fluffy-dainty)
What is that, Kermit my love?

(The opening strains of "Singin' in the Rain" are heard. Piggy's expression freezes.)

KERMIT
We, ah, we still don't have the right sheet music, Piggy.

MISS PIGGY (still fluffy-dainty... barely)
Why then, we'll just have to make do until you find it, won't we? (pause, then murderous) Make... it... snappy!

(Kermit vanishes, S.L. Miss Piggy and Scooter look at each other..)

SCOOTER (bows grandly)
After you, Mr. Kelly.

MISS PIGGY
You just love this, don't you, you little twerp?

THERE'S A LIGHT (AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE)
(Music: Singin' in the Rain)

MISS PIGGY

Oh, i-i-in the velvet da-a-ark -ness o-o-of the blackest night,
Oh, God, it won't scan, we're in trou-le, all right!

SCOOTER
You're do-o-oing just fine, don't pa-a-anic, my friend,
Be tha-a-ankful it's not "Alice's Rest -'rant" again!

SCOOTER and MISS PIGGY
Oh, the-e-ere's a light at the Fra-a-ankenstein place,
Oh, the-e-ere's a light bu-u-ur -ning in the fireplace,
Oh, the-e-ere's a light --

SCOOTER
I could use a Budweiser light --

MISS PIGGY (slower, end-of-song)
In the darkness... of ev'rybody's life.

(As she sings "life," Scooter starts singing "dah da da dah-da dah da dah da da dah-da..." Miss Piggy joins in, and they link arms and exit, S.L.)

ACT II: All Together Now

(The Prop Person sets up a door at D.L. Kermit comes out from Backstage Left.)

KERMIT
Okay, nice work, Scooter and Piggy! Very inspired improv! (to audience) I, uh, heh-heh, I'm sure we'll track down some sheet music real soon, folks. But how about a big hand for the man responsible -- I think that's the right word -- for all the music you've heard so far: Lew Zealand and his Amazing Movie Soundtrack Imitating Fish! Yayyy!

(Kermit and Prop Person exit, S.L., as Sam the Eagle enters, S.R.)

SAM
And so... it seemed that fortune had smiled upon Brad and Janet, and that they had found the assistance that their plight required... but none of you kids out there go knocking on strange doors in the middle of Ohio! Harrumph.

(Sam exits, S.R. Miss Piggy and Scooter come around the front of S.L.)

SCOOTER
What luck! A huge ornate Gothic castle way out here in the middle of Ohio! Maybe they'll have a telephone we can use.

MISS PIGGY (looking at audience skeptically)
Ri-i-i-ight.

(Scooter knocks on the door: "bam bam bam." From the other side comes three answering knocks. Scooter knocks again: "bam-bam-bam bam-bam." The door replies. Scooter and the door are just getting into "dueling doorknocks" when Piggy screams.)

MISS PIGGY
WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF!?

(She stands there for just a moment, glaring, then smacks herself in the forehead with her palm.)

MISS PIGGY
I can't believe I just said that. (turns to door) Anyone home in there?

(The door is opened by Gonzo.)

GONZO (abject horror)
AAIIIEEEE! MUNDANES!! (He slams the door in their faces.)

SCOOTER and MISS PIGGY (confused)
Mundanes?

MISS PIGGY
Isn't the butler supposed to act spooky for a minute, then let us in?

SCOOTER
He called us mundanes. Isn't that spooky enough?

MISS PIGGY
But there's supposed to be gothic architecture! Thunderstorms! What do we have here? No air conditioning!

SCOOTER (snaps his fingers)
I've got an idea! (He knocks again.)

GONZO (behind the door)
Who is it?

SCOOTER
We're with the Evangelical Hare Krishna Pedophiles for LaRouche! Can we show you some of our fine Amway products?

(After a few moments, the door opens.)

GONZO (like the doorman in The Wizard of Oz)
Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? That's a horse of a different color! Come on in!

(Scooter and Piggy go through the door as the lights come up; the Prop Person unobtrusively moves the door to U.L. Annie Sue is stretched out luxuriously on a lawn chair. Miss Piggy looks at her with some disgust.)

MISS PIGGY
Don't tell me... let me guess. We couldn't afford a stairwell, either. What next?

KERMIT (yelling from Backstage Left)
They've got to sing the Time Warp to WHAT?!?

SCOOTER (dripping sarcasm)
Oh, thanks so much for asking.

(Music starts -- a down-home rendition of "The Yellow Rose of Texas." Statler and Waldorf roar with laughter. Everyone on stage is stunned.)

SCOOTER
"The Yellow Rose of Texas"!?

MISS PIGGY
You've GOT to be kidding!

GONZO
What a challenge! My finest hour! Kermit didn't let me down!

ANNIE SUE
(her career flashing before her eyes) Gonzo, what are we going to do?

MISS PIGGY (haughtily)
 Why, isn't it obvious? The Show Must Go On, UNDERSTUDY. Fake it.

(Annie Sue looks hurt -- after all, she idolizes Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy and Scooter move to far S.R. for the remainder of the song; as he passes her, Scooter reaches for Annie Sue's hand, and she grabs his fiercely.  Ahhh, l'amour.)

SCOOTER
Don't mind her, Annie Sue. I know you can do it. (looks at audience in despair) Be gentle. (He moves to S.R.)

ANNIE SUE
Gonzo, do you think we CAN do it? I mean, does it even scan?

GONZO
We'll MAKE it scan! This will be my greatest triumph! And you -- you came on as back-up for the back bacon (glares at Miss Piggy), but you're going off a STAR! Come on!

(He takes Annie Sue by the arm, and they move to center stage. Gonzo starts clapping, and encourages the audience to join in. During the first verse, Janice enters from S.R.)

 TIME WARP
(Music: The Yellow Rose of Texas)

GONZO and ANNIE SUE
It's astounding, time is fleeting, an-a madness takes its toll,
But listen not much longer, I've got to keep control,
I remember doin' the Time Warp, I'd drink those moments when,
The blackness would hit, the void would call,
Let's do the Time Warp again.

(Choreography for the chorus should resemble a square dance: During the first part of each line, the actors should do-se-do; then, at the end, they stop and do the actual Time Warp step for that line. Statler and Waldorf "dance" along as well.)

ANNIE SUE, JANICE, and GONZO
It's just a jump to the left and a ste-ep to the right --
You put yer hands upon yer hips and you bring yer knees in tight --
Bu-ut it's the pelvic thrust that'll drive you insane --
Let's do the Time Warp, let's do the TIme Warp again!
Let's do the Time Warp, let's do the TIme Warp again!

(Janice does an inept little tap dance at this point, whirling and flailing -- right into Miss Piggy, who glares at her.)

JANICE (looking up at Piggy)
Like, wow! Are you supposed to be the jukebox? (She pats Piggy's tummy.) Like, bitchen fer sure! You must have every record ever MADE in there!

(Before Piggy can reply, Janice rejoins Gonzo and Annie Sue.)

ANNIE SUE, JANICE, and GONZO
It's just a jump to the left and a ste-ep to the right --
You put yer hands upon yer hips and you bring yer knees in tight --
Bu-ut it's the pelvic thrust that'll drive you insane --
Let's do the Time Warp, let's do the TIme Warp again!
Let's do the Time Warp, let's do the TIme Warp again!

(N.B. A nice touch at this point would be Annie Sue leaping into Gonzo's arms in a Rogers-and-Hammerstein-dance-number-finale way.)

(Kermit, fussing with a costume, comes out front, S.L. Rolph joins him.)

ROLPH
Kermit! I found some sheet music that might work!

KERMIT (ecstatic, momentarily)
Oh, fabuuwait a minute. MIGHT work?

ROLPH
Well... at least it's appropriate.

(He hands Kermit a book.)

KERMIT (looking at the title)
"Reader's Digest Presents the Greatest Hits of Rock 'n' Roll?" (sighs) Fine. Fine. Does "Sweet Transvestite" scan to anything here?

ROLPH (flipping pages)
As a matter of fact... this. But you're not going to like it.

KERMIT (staring at the book)
You've got to be kidding.

ROLPH
I told you. Want me to keep looking? I think I saw a copy of La Traviata back there...

KERMIT (frantic)
No, no, this'll do. (to audience) Simon and Garfunkel, forgive me. (He exits)

STATLER and WALDORF
SIMON AND GARFUNKEL?!?

STATLER
Is the world ready for this?

WALDORF
Is my stomach ready for this?

(Both laugh. A backbeat starts.)

MISS PIGGY
Brad, please. Let's get out of here.

SCOOTER
Oh, I don't know -- seems kind of rude. They've gone to so much trouble.

ANNIE SUE (carrying a tray)
Canapés? Bon-bons?

SCOOTER (takes some)
Why, thank you.

MISS PIGGY (incensed)
I'm asking you nicely. Aren't I asking nicely? See how NICELY I'M ASKING!?

JANICE (carrying a different tray)
Garters? Edible underwear?

MISS PIGGY (grabbing Scooter's collar)
Listen up, sponge-face! I want out of here!

SCOOTER (asphyxiating)
But -- but we've got to get to a phone!

MISS PIGGY (pulls Scooter nose to nose with her, vocce morte)
Brad, I am cold and I am wet and I am just plain scared.

SCOOTER (collapsing)
So am I.

(Music starts: "59th Street Bridge [Feelin' Groovy]." The door opens, and a very sheepish Kermit -- in black cape and fishnets -- steps right through it. Miss Piggy drops Scooter like a sack of potatoes; Annie Sue, careful to avoid Miss Piggy's gaze, moves to help Scooter up by the middle of the first verse.)

SWEET TRANSVESTITE
(Music: 59th Street Bridge [Feelin' Groovy])

KERMIT
How do you do, I see you've met
My faithful handyma-an,
He's just a little brought-down
Because he thought you were the candyma-an.
I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transylvania.

(Miss Piggy swoons with as much exaggeration as possible. Scooter should have as much difficulty holding her upright as possible.)

Stay for the night, or maybe a bite;
I can show you my fav'rite invention.
I'm makin' a man with blond hair and a tan
And he's good for relieving my tension.
I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transylvania.

So come up to the lab and see what's on the slab --
I-see-you-shi-ver-with-an-ti-ci-pa-tion-
But-may-be-the-rain-is-what's-real-ly-to-blame;
I'll remove the cause, but not the symp-tom.
I'm just a sweet transvestite from Transylvania.

(Janice, Gonzo, and Annie Sue join in for a few final "I'm just a sweet transvestite"s. Then Kermit walks back through the door and closes it. Annie Sue and Janice walk over to Scooter.)

SCOOTER (flustered)
Hi! I'm Brad Lieuoowhat are you doing?

(Janice is unbuttoning Scooter's shirt; Annie Sue is removing his pants. Scooter is wearing some dynamite polka-dot boxer shorts. He is mortified, and Janice and Annie Sue play it up -- wolf whistles, stray hands running down Scooter's thigh, etc. The Prop Person enters, S.L., holding a cue card.)

ANNIE SUE (with gentle affection)
Why, Scooter! Without your clothes, you're beautiful.

JANICE (plays with his chest hair)
Fer sure! Like, how did you get so, you know... virile?

SCOOTER (very flustered)
Well, my mom gave me Chocks vitamins when I was a kid... uh, girls, listen -- oh God, I can't even remember my lines. (Janice gooses him) WHAAA! Look, Janice, Annie Sue, could you please not do this to me? This is hard enou-- uh, difficult enough as it is!

(The Prop Person holds up the cue card for the audience to read: "HISS." He exits, S.L. Gonzo grins hugely, rubs his hands together, and walks up to Miss Piggy...who turns to him and snarls.)

MISS PIGGY
Don't -- even -- THINK it.

(Gonzo spreads his hands, with the attitude of "Who, me? I wasn't gonna do nothin'." He moves to D.R., followed by Annie Sue, Scooter, Janice, and finally Piggy. The lights dim, except for a spot on the actors. Link enters, S.L., and hides behind some poster board; Kermit, now in hospital gown, enters, S.L.)

MISS PIGGY
Couldn't we even afford an elevator?

GONZO (as the Twilight Zone theme starts up again)
You are about to enter an elevator not of sight and sound, but of mind. An elevator of imagination -- so ingeniously designed that, without us even leaving this spot on the stage... (the music stops, the lights come up) it gets us where we want to go.

MISS PIGGY (moving to D.C.)
Really? Get outta my way, weirdo. I wanna go to the consuite. (She suddenly notices Kermit and is obviously, nauseatingly lovestruck.) Then again, what can I get in the consuite that I can't get here?

AUDIENCE (via cue card)
Laid!

KERMIT
Chartreuse! Nicaragua! Go and assist RaffRiff.  (All three of them move to U.L. Gonzo starts rummaging through a box.)  I will entertain...

SCOOTER (walks over, extends a hand)
Brad Lieutenants -- and this is my fricassee, Janet Fried.

MISS PIGGY
That's "fiancé," pimple-puss! Hiieee-YAH! (She gives Scooter a shot to the chest. Again, out of Miss Piggy's range of vision, Annie Sue helps Scooter to his feet. Kermit takes Miss Piggy's hand.)

KERMIT
Enchante. (Kisses her hand) Needs a pineapple ring. (circles behind them, waiting for the groans to stop) And what charming Underoos you have. (Gonzo comes back with a battleaxe and a laser gun.) But here, put these on. (Kermit takes the weapons and gives them to Scooter and Miss Piggy. Gonzo returns to U.L.) They'll make you feel less... vulnerable.

MISS PIGGY (adjusting the axe in her belt)
Damn straight.

KERMIT (circling back to where he started)
It's not often we receive visitors here -- let alone offer them... horse-pitality.

SCOOTER (moving toward Kermit)
Horse-pitality? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone, Gosh-darn it! A reasonable request, which you've --

KERMIT (looking at him funny)
Wait, wait. Gosh-darn it?

SCOOTER (sheepish)
I-I'm sorry, Kermit. I know I'm supposed to say Gah-- gah-- no. I refuse. We've been a family show for too long. There's little kids out there! I'll do innuendos, sexual perversion, even puns -- but I refuse to say anything stronger than "gosh-darn it" in front of little kids!

(The Prop Person holds up an "applause" sign. Statler, Waldorf, Annie Sue, and Janice applaud as well. Kermit puts a hand on Scooter's shoulder.)

KERMIT
That-- that's a fine conviction, Scooter. I almost forgot our roots, there, for a while. (looking around) Okay, everybody -- not a single swear-word for the rest of the show! (Miss Piggy taps him on the shoulder.) Yes?

MISS PIGGY (very sweet)
Ahem. Kermie, dear, while I am the first to appreciate Scooter's sentiments, and though I will of course follow your no-profanity directive... CAN WE GET ON WITH THE GODDAMN SHOW!?

(Scooter bolts for cover behind Kermit.)

KERMIT (ironically)
How forceful you are, Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So (rolls his eyes) dominant. (to Miss Piggy) You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.

MISS PIGGY (through clenched teeth)
Just awfully.

GONZO (behind Kermit, tapping him on the shoulder)
Everything is in readiness, Master. We merely await your...

(Gonzo stands there, staring at Kermit as intently as everyone else is staring at him. Kermit starts tapping his foot. Gonzo starts jerking, first one arm, then the other, and quickly begins to juke about the stage like a bad white rapper, for precisely seven audible beats ["Cha-chikka-CHA-chikka-chikka-chi-CHA-chikka-CHA-chikka-chikka-chi-CHA"], stopping immediately to Kermit's right, his back to Kermit, looking at the audience over his shoulder, arms folded and hands resting on shoulders with fingers spread Vulcan-like.  [Trust me.  This is very mid-80's rap, if you're a white guy.])

GONZO
Word.

(He scampers off to Upstage Right. Kermit groans, then walks to D.R. with Annie Sue and Janice. Scooter and Piggy move to S.L.)

KERMIT (to audience)
Ahem: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists -- (drops out of character for a moment) Do you realize this is the only other situations where that line fits? -- You are to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research... and Paradise... is... to be... mine.

(Fozzie has entered, S.R. As Kermit says "Paradise," Fozzie hangs a pair of fuzzy rearview-mirror dice over Kermit's hand, says "Wakka-Wakka!" and 23-skidoos off, S.R. Kermit looks at the dice, then at the ceiling.)

KERMIT
Scooter! Did you find something safe for me to kill Fozzie with?

SCOOTER
Yessir, boss.

(Kermit looks at the audience and snaps his fingers as if to say "Drat." Scooter rejoins Piggy at S.L.)

KERMIT (giving a short sign, "hehh")
Onward. The answer was there all the time. It took a small accident to make it happen. --An accident!

(Backstage, about a million pots and pans are dropped, three at a time. As the last one bounces, Fozzie yells from backstage, "Sorry! No problem!" Kermit covers his eyes with his hand and shakes his head.)

KERMIT (a real trouper, that frog)
That's how I discovered the secret -- that elusive ingredient -- that... Spock... that is the breath of life.

(At the word "Spock," the Guest Star enters, S.R., wearing Vulcan ears and a dark robe or cape -- somebody at the con has gotta be dressed like a Vulcan. Music starts: the chorus to Larry Warner's "Slight Inconsistency.")

GUEST STAR (makes a Vulcan hand greeting)
The ship... out of danger?

KERMIT (singing as Capt. Kirk)
Addressing him, we yell --

CAST and AUDIENCE (the Prop Person has another cue card)
-- YOU SAVED THE SHIP!!

KERMIT (still singing)
His face turns blank, his eyebrows raise, he stares at me and says --

GUEST STAR
I have been, and ever shall be, confused. Weird... the show is weird.

(He exits, S.R., shaking his head. Kermit proceeds as if nothing has happened.)

KERMIT
Yes... I have that knowledge. I hold the Right Guard -- uh, secret... to life... itself!

(The Prop Person, back at D.L., holds up the APPLAUSE card. Kermit, followed by Annie Sue and Janice, moves to S.C. Kermit holds up a hand to stop the applause, but the Prop Person points to the card and encourages the audience to keep it up. Kermit walks over as the Prop Person bows grandly. Kermit grabs one of the cue cards, then taps the Prop Person on the shoulder. The Prop Person turns to read "I hold the secret to Death, too." The Prop Person grins sheepishly, gives a short farewell wave, then exits, S.L., with some haste. Kermit puts down the cue card, then returns to S.C.)

KERMIT (to audience)
You are fortunate, for tonight is the night that my bee-yootiful creature -- (he waves one hand to indicate "ehh, so-so") -- is destined to be born! Yayyy!

(The Prop Person's hand, holding the APPLAUSE card, sticks out from S.L. Annie Sue and Janice stand on opposite sides of the blanket-covered "box" and grab the bottom of the blanket. We hear a timpani roll. The Prop Person reappears, holding up three audience cue cards in rapid succession.)

AUDIENCE
One for the money -- two for the show -- three to get ready --

(Annie Sue and Janice throw off the blanket, and Fozzie leaps in front of the Prop Person at S.L.)

AUDIENCE and FOZZIE (holding the last card)
-- Forrrr to be a privateer!

(Fozzie vanishes, S.L. The "box" -- actually just one panel held up by Link Hogthrob -- reads "Porky Horror -- Batteries Not Included." After fussing with the edges for about five seconds, Annie Sue and Janice drop the panel forward. Link is wrapped in sheets, with a pillowcase over his head. He stands there zombie-like [type-casting at its best].)

KERMIT
Throw open the switches on the Cosmic Whatsitsface! And step up the Robotech Force three... more... points!

GONZO (producing a basketball from his box)
A three-point shot! Larry Bird has done it again! The Celtics win it all! The crowd is... (suddenly realizes Kermit is fuming at him) Heh... of course, I prefer the subtlety of pro wrestling.

(Gonzo puts the basketball away. The Prop Person walks to S.C. in front of Link, holding up a cue card reading "Imagine lots of glowing beams of energy bathing Porky Horror's inert form." After about a ten-count, the Prop Person flips the card over; it reads "We couldn't afford SFX, either." After another ten-count, he exits, S.L. Annie Sue and Janice "replace" the panel, holding it upright, and "shake well." Rolph comes around to the front of D.L.)

ROLPH
Psst! Kermit!

KERMIT (joining him quickly)
Rolph! Tell me, you've got the right sheet music!

ROLPH (looks at audience, shrugs)
I've got the right sheet music.

KERMIT (almost faints)
Oh, thank goodness!

ROLPH
Practically the right sheet music.

KERMIT (double-takes)
Practically?

ROLPH
Almost practically the right sheet music...

KERMIT
You don't have the right sheet music.

ROLPH
Uh, no.

KERMIT
Great! What's going to go wrong this time?

ROLPH
Actually, this one should work out just fine.

(He beckons Kermit closer, and whispers in his ear. Kermit considers it, then nods grudging agreement. He then goes to the still-hidden Link and whispers something at him. Link yells "WHAT!?" from behind the panel; Kermit shushes him, then steps back.)

KERMIT
Music, maestro?

(The panel drops. The pillowcase is off. Link stands stiffly (Refer to the RHPS for posture, or strap a hockey stick to his spine.) The music is "Da-Doo-Ron-Ron." Kermit is having trouble holding down lunch.)

THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES
(Music: Da Doo Ron Ron)

LINK
The Sword of Damocles is over my head,
Da-Doo-Ron-Ron-Ron, Da-Doo-Ron-Ron!
And I got the feeling someone's cuttin' the thread,
Da-Doo-Ron-Ron-Ron, Da-Doo-Ron-Ron!
Ohh, woe is me, my life's a misery,
And I'm at the start of a pretty big
Da-Doo-Ron-Ron-Ron, Da-Doo-Ron-Ron!

(Annie Sue and Janice, both singing "Da-Doo-Ron-Ron-Ron, Da-Doo-Ron-Ron", start removing the sheets, spinning Link as much as possible. He should stagger around just a little afterwards, then run from Kermit, who chases the big lug all over the audience. Link realizes he can outrun Kermit, and starts showing off, easily beating Kermit back to the stage just in time for the last chorus.)

LINK
Ohh, woe is me, my life's a misery,
And I'm at the start of a pretty big
Da-Doo-Ron-Ron-Ron, Da-Doo-Ron-Ron!

(Link sits down on the lawn char for the last note, looking as much like Rodin's "The Thinker" as possible. Kermit finally makes it up to the stage, obviously winded. Annie Sue, Janice, and Miss Piggy happen to be standing in a line together.)

KERMIT
A life with flippers has ruined me for this sort of thing.

LINK (looking at the ladies)
Hark! A vision of loveliness -- tender, gentle, unassuming, a woman of whom no man is truly worthy!

(Annie Sue acts shy; Janice gives a "well, ya know" shrug; Miss Piggy is smacking her palm with the battle axe as if it were a riding crop. Naturally, Link goes for Miss Piggy.)

LINK
Hey, sweet cheeks. Wanna check out the sauna?

MISS PIGGY
You could be ready for a career as a submarine sandwich real quick.

KERMIT
Will you two knock it off!? We're trying to do a show already!

LINK
Oh, yeah! Sorry.

(Link sits on the lawn chair and looks hurt.)

KERMIT (sighs)
Oh, what the hey. Since you're such an exceptional beauty (Gonzo, Scooter, Annie Sue, Janice, and Miss Piggy ALL stick fingers down their throats in perfect synchronization), I'm prepared to forgive you.

LINK
Oh, thank you, Kermit! (He walks over to Piggy, as before.) Hey, sweet cheeks. Wanna check out the sauna?

(Miss Piggy raises the axe like a Viking; Link zips out of harm's way and sits down on the lawn chair. Gonzo, Annie Sue, and Janice line up behind the S.L. end of the lawn chair, with Kermit at the S.R. end.)

GONZO
He's a credit to your genius, Master!

KERMIT (modestly)
Yes.

ANNIE SUE
A triumph of your will!

KERMIT (not so modestly)
 Yes!

JANICE
He's got a complexion like Frankenstein's Yogurt.

(Everyone on stage s-l-o-w-l-y turns to look at Janice. She shrugs.)

KERMIT
FRANKENSTEIN'S YOGURT!? (grabs Link by the wrist) I think we can do better than that!

(He drags link over to Scooter and Miss Piggy at S.R.)

KERMIT
Well, Brad and Janet -- what do you think of him?

(Scooter and Miss Piggy look at each other and nod, then look back to Kermit. N.B. It is important that this be quick, i.e., they pretty much have their answer figured out before Kermit asks.)

SCOOTER and MISS PIGGY
Frankenstein's Yogurt.

(Link is real annoyed, ad-libbing "Oh, yeah?"s. Piggy drops into a karate stance; Scooter retreats; Kermit steps between Link and Piggy.)

KERMIT
STOP IT!!

(Everything on stage freezes. Kermit puts his hands on his hips and looks disgustedly at both Piggy and Link. Then he addresses Piggy.)

KERMIT
I didn't make him for you, okay? (takes Link by the hand, leads him back to S.L.) Chee, what a grouch.

(Rolph sticks his head out from S.L.)

ROLPH
Psst! Kermit!

KERMIT (joins Rolph at S.L.)
Rolph! Good job on the last number! What now?

ROLPH
Thanks. (holds up some paper) How's this look?

KERMIT (examining paper)
Hmm. Not bad. I think we're on a roll here. You -- uh -- you are still looking for another copy of the real music, aren't you?

ROLPH (suddenly furtive)
Huh? Oh, sure, sure. We'll get a copy in no time.

(When Kermit steps away, Rolph shrugs to the audience.)

ROLPH
Well, I didn't lie to him. We'll have the real music in no time in the forseeable future.

(He exits, S.L. Music starts: Don McLean's "American Pie.")

KERMIT
A weak Link weighing ninety-eight pounds
Got sand in his face when kicked to the ground...

(uncomfortable pause)

ROLPH (appearing at S.L. again)
Sorry, Kermit, I don't think it scans.

KERMIT
I just figured that out.

And soon in the gym, with a determined chin,
The sweat from his pores as he worked for his cause...

ROLPH
(shrugs) REALLY sorry, Kermit.

KERMIT (exasperated)
Shh! I'll do what I can.

(Rolph exits, S.L.)

The sweat from his pores made him glisten and gleam,
And with massage and some ste-eam,
He-e was a strong pig --

GONZO, ANNIE SUE, and JANICE
Better that than long pig.

KERMIT (to Link)
If you drink liquid protein and swallow raw eggs,
Build up your shoulders, chest, arms, and legs,
And guzzle Vernors from oak-wood kegs... 
In seven days...I can make you a pig.

Just do push-ups and sit-ups and the snatch, clean and jerk --
Dynamic tension at conventions isn't all that hard work...
Isn't this more fun than acting like Captain Kirk?
And you even get to show off your tan --

GONZO, ANNIE SUE, and JANICE (background)
Frankenstein's Yogurt...

KERMIT
In seven days...I can make you a man...

(The music intensifies, and Fozzie, holding handlebars with a tacky horn attached, "rides" in from S.R. He "Wakka Wakka"s a lot, and spends a few measures worth of intro music generally terrorizing everyone on stage. He finally "parks" at S.C., whips off his unspeakably silly sunglasses [either the giant kind or something like Gumby glasses], and sings....)

FOZZIE
Whatever happened to Saturday night
When you left your job and you felt all right --

KERMIT
Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold it. Stop the music. (The music stops.) Fozzie... it won't work.

FOZZIE (looks lost)
Wh-what do you mean it won't work?

KERMIT
What I mean is, it sounds awful. It will not work.

FOZZIE (distraught)
But -- but this is my big number!

KERMIT
This is your only number, and, frankly, I'd like it to work. (to S.L.) ROLPH!

ROLPH (enters, S.L.)
Yeah, Kermit?

KERMIT
"Reader's Digest Presents the Greatest Hits of Rock'n'Roll" is out. We were doing better when we were just faking it. What have you got back there that this song scans to?

ROLPH (distressed)
Well, I got something, but --

KERMIT
No buts! Get back there and play it! (Rolph shrugs and exits, S.L. Kermit turns to Fozzie.) You... sing!

(The music is Beethoven's "Ode to Joy.")

FOZZIE
Hot Patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock'n'roll,
Hot Patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock'n'roll.
Hot Patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock'n'roll.
Hot Patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock'n'roll.

(Kermit has gone to Gonzo's prop box. He produces a hand eggbeater from behind his back and cranks it up. He chases Fozzie over to S.L. with it, then off S.R. He comes back a few moments later, wiping his hands on his smock.)

STATLER and WALDORF
Looks like the yolk's on you! (They laugh.)

KERMIT (apologetic)
Sorry about that -- I realize my behavior is bear-ly eggs-ceptable. (He walks over to Link at S.L.) Oh, don't be upset. (Link looks about as far from upset as is possible.) He was a shell of his former self.

FOZZIE (appears at S.R.)
Heyyy! If you'd castrated me, it would've been a eunuch's shell!

(Everything on stage freezes to watch Kermit turn oh-so-slowly.)

KERMIT
It... still... CAN... be. (Fozzie yelps and vanishes. Kermit faces Link again.) He had a certain naive charm... but no muscle.

(Link tries to make a muscle, grunting and flexing. Gonzo, Annie Sue, Janice, Scooter, and Miss Piggy hold up scorecards Gonzo has handed out during the above shenanigans.)

KERMIT
It'll do. Music, please?

(Beethoven starts again.)

I don't want to hear dissension, just Dynamic Tension, please...

  (Everyone waits for Miss Piggy to break in with her line. She takes her time -- musicians, please vamp until ready.)

MISS PIGGY (less than enthralled)
I'm a muscle fan, already.

KERMIT
I'll make you a pig in seven days.

(Gonzo, Annie Sue, and Janice produce kazoos and start humming "The Wedding March." Link makes a half-hearted attempt to carry Kermit over the threshold, i.e., the door at S.L. This fails miserably -- he can't even lift Kermit. Finally, he gives up. Kermit taps his foot as Link looks embarrassed.)

KERMIT
Any bright ideas on how we're gonna get through that door?

LINK (suddenly tags Kermit and runs)
Tag! You're It!

KERMIT (chasing him through the door)
Will you get outta here!?

(The stage goes black.)

ACT III, Scene 1:

Pink Is For Piggies, Blue is for Something Else

(Sam enters, S.R., and moves to S.C. As he speaks, the Prop Person sets up two lawn chairs -- one at S.L., one at S.R.)

SAM
There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is simply a figment of the imagination -- and Lew Zealand, you had better not start in on the Twilight Zone theme again! -- If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe.

STATLER
You mean Brad and Janet are safe as long as Lew Zealand doesn't play the Twilight Zone theme?

SAM (indignant)
No, you clown! I mean --

WALDORF
Oh, I get it! You mean life is an illusion and reality is just a figment of the imagination as long as Lew Zealand doesn't play the Twilight Zone theme.

SAM (nodding into a double-take; he was going for it)
Exac- WAIT A MINUTE!!

STATLER
You know, if he had to play a quarter for every straight line he gives us, he'd have gone broke years ago.

SAM
Straight line!? What do you mean straight line?

STATLER and WALDORF (look at each other, grin)
You owe us a quarter, Sam! (Both laugh uproariously)

SAM (balls fists, trembles with rage)
Okay. That's it. No more Mr. Nice Guy. There will be a reckoning! (He stalks off, S.R.)

WALDORF
Well, I reckon that's the last we'll see of him for a while. (to audience) Listen, folks, now that the Dalek sympathizer's gone, we can really cut loose!

STATLER
Don't sit next to me, then! You had broccoli and cheddar at the banquet.

WALDORF
I'll let that pass. (He starts looking over a script.) Now let's see...ah! At this point, Porky Horror and the Jolly Green Gigolo are off doing Henson-knows-what. Brad and Janet are in separate rooms, and we look in on Janet as she is awakened from troubled sleep.

(A red-filtered light shines from U.R., casting the actor's shadows on a sheet at D.R. The sheet is either held up by an easily movable frame, or by the Prop Person and the Guest Star. Behind the sheet, Miss Piggy paces.)

MISS PIGGY
WHERE IS THAT FROG!?

STATLER
Yep. Looks like trouble to me.

MISS PIGGY
If he doesn't show up soon, I'm gonna --

(There is a knock. Miss Piggy panics, then runs to the lawn chair and bundles under the blankets.)

MISS PIGGY
Who is it? Who's there?

SCOOTER (entering S.R., behind the sheet)
It's only me, Janet.

MISS PIGGY
Oh, Brad darling (thick tone of "I know something you don't"), come in!

(Scooter walks over to the lawn chair and is promptly mugged. Miss Piggy starts showering him with affection [simultaneously pinning his arms]. It should look, from the front, like Scooter is about to be stripped for mud-wrestling. She grabs his hair, and of course it doesn't come off... easily. He yelps, and Miss Piggy lets him go.)

MISS PIGGY
YOU!?

SCOOTER
Yes, me! Isn't it supposed to be me?

MISS PIGGY
What are you doing out here? Where's Kermit?

SCOOTER
He's backstage! He said something came up, and he couldn't make it for this scene, but I could do both parts, and he said you already knew!

MISS PIGGY
I... already... knew!? Why, that little --

(She exits, S.R.)

SCOOTER
I'm so confused.

(The red light goes out. As Statler and Waldorf start up again, the sheet is carefully put on the floor, and Scooter exits, S.L., as Gonzo, Janice, and Link enter, S.R. The stage is still dark; Statler and Waldorf are lit.)

STATLER
He's not the only one!

WALDORF (checking out the script again)
Hey, this is fun! Now Link gets horsewhipped by Gonzo and Annie Sue!

STATLER
Wait a minute! I can't see Annie Sue horsewhipping anybody!

WALDORF (looks at audience, then at Statler)
You owe me a quarter.

(The lights come up on Link, snoring loudly on the lawn chair, and Gonzo and Annie Sue at S.R.)

ANNIE SUE
You know, Gonzo, I'm not sure I can do all this. I mean, we're supposed to sneak up on poor Link, there, and physically abuse him and all -- cause profound psychological torment, and I'm just not sure I can be a part of it.

GONZO (thinks for a moment)
Remember last summer, when Link stole every stitch of clothing you own and hung it all from the flagpole at the McDonald's down the street?

ANNIE SUE (not changing expression)
Now I'm sure.

GONZO (rubbing his hands gleefully)
That's the spirit! (They walk over to Link.) Now there's just one problem.

ANNIE SUE
What's that?

GONZO
How to torture someone who has no brain.

LINK (bursts into song)
When a man's an empty kettle, he should be on his mettle, and yet I'm torn apart... (He trails off as Annie Sue and Gonzo glare at him.) I'll be going back to sleep now. (He does.)

ANNIE SUE (amazed at her own vindictiveness)
I'm really gonna enjoy this.

GONZO
We are, obviously, still at our original problem.

(He thinks a moment, then snaps his fingers. He whispers to Annie Sue, who covers her mouth to stifle a laugh, then turns to Link.)

Oh, Porky! Porky Hor-rorrr! How'd you like a nice... quiet... game of Trivial Pursuit?

(Link snaps to attention, a frantic look on his face.)

ANNIE SUE
(singy-song) Silver Screen Edition!

(Link bites his nails and looks for possible exits.)

GONZO and ANNIE SUE
Playing for points!

(Link screams and exits, S.R. Annie Sue gives Gonzo "five". Gonzo starts to exit, S.L.)

ANNIE SUE
Elbow sex?

GONZO
Nah.

(Gonzo starts "do-do-doo-dn-doo-do"ing the base line from "Walk Like an Egyptian", and Annie Sue joins in. They exit like Egyptians, S.L.)

WALDORF
How are you at Trivial Pursuit?

STATLER
Pretty good -- I've been up here waiting to be entertained for years! (Both laugh.) What's next?

WALDORF (checking the script)
I think it's the part where... Oh, my God.

STATLER
...where Brad is awakened by someone he thinks is Janet, but is supposed to be somebody else according to the script, but probably won't be if I know Miss Piggy! Good Gravy!

WALDORF
Yeah, if I know Miss Piggy, that's about all that'll be left of Scooter after this scene!

STATLER
Shouldn't someone tell him what might happen?

(There is a strangled scream from Backstage Left -- obviously Scooter.)

WALDORF
I think he knows.

(The sheet is back in place as the light behind it [filtered blue this time] turns on. Although the audience can't see it, Miss Piggy is behind the lamp. Scooter is writing on a pad.)

SCOOTER
... Being ...of ...sound ...mind... (There is a knock.) Wh-who's there?

MISS PIGGY
It's only me, Brad.

SCOOTER (swallowing hard)
C-c-come in, Janet.

(A massive shape enters the scene, and gets onto the lawn chair with Scooter, who covers his head with his arms.)

SCOOTER
Look, whatever you're going to do, just make it quick, okay?

(Annie Sue and Janice throw off the blanket that made the two of them resemble Miss Piggy. They flank Scooter on the lawn chair.)

ANNIE SUE and JANICE
Are you sure you want us to make it quick?

(The lights, etc., go down.)

ACT III, Scene 2:

Love on the Rockys

(Annie Sue, Scoooter, and Janice remove themselves and the lawn chair; as the lights come up, Link enters, S.L., looking frantic. The Prop Person enters, S.R.; he holds a sign reading "HIDE HERE, YOU DOPE" over the blanket. Link, of course, dives under the blanket. The Prop Person turns the sign around; the back reads "THIS SCENE RATED PiG-13" He exits, S.R. Miss Piggy enters, S.L., loaded for be- ah, frog.)

MISS PIGGY
WHERE IS HE!? When I get my hands on that -- (she sees the shape huddling under the blanket) -- oho. Come to Piggy, my little crumb cake! (She whips off the blanket; Link grins sheepishly.) What are YOU doing here!?

LINK
Freezing! Gimme back my blanket!

MISS PIGGY
You know what I mean, you nit! How come you're under there and my frog isn't?

LINK (indignant)
To be perfectly honest, I'm supposed to be here! This is the "Toucha-Touch Me" scene, and unlike SOME people around here, I'M trying to stick to the script! (He grins lecherously, advancing slowly on Miss Piggy.) And in this case, my little ham-hock, the script calls for the two of us to engage in some pret-ty serious snugglebunnies.

MISS PIGGY (flabbergasted)
You... and ME!? (sweetly, to S.R.)  Ker-mie! I need to talk to you! No joke!

(Kermit sticks his head out of the S.R. wings.)

KERMIT
What is it, Piggy?

MISS PIGGY (oh-so-nice)
Kermit, do I have to ake-may out-ay with the oron-may?

KERMIT
Of ourse-cay! It's in the ipt-scray! (He does a quick take, then sputters.) Why are we talking like this!? You have to do it, Piggy, it's in the script!

MISS PIGGY (still sweet)
Really? Why, then, Kermie dear, I feel compelled to call your attention to the scene a few pages ago, wherein someone dressed as Brad was supposed to seduce Janet. (She folds her arms, and her voice hardens.) THAT didn't go exactly as planned, did it?

KERMIT (flustered; he has been caught)
Well, ah, Piggy, that was just a little joke.

MISS PIGGY (enlightenment dawns)
Ah! A joke. Fun-ny. See you in the con suite.

(She turns to leave. Kermit moves to stop her.)

KERMIT
Wait, Miss Piggy! Please. What can I do to convince you to stay?

MISS PIGGY (smiling beatifically at the audience)
Two guesses.

KERMIT
Somehow I figured it was going to be something like that. (He sighs in defeat.) Okay, fine. Fine. After the filk, I'm yours. (He looks up, all business again.) But you've got to go through with it, okay? This scene calls for some serious messing around, and you're not the only one who has to go through something distasteful for the sake of the show.

LINK (indignant again)
Now WAIT a minute...!

MISS PIGGY (exasperated)
Fine. Great. You got a deal. (to Link) You'd better enjoy this, buster, 'cause it's your last shot. (to Kermit) By the way, has Rolph got the right music yet?

KERMIT
No, and I don't know what he's got for this scene, but he promised me it would be appropriate.

(Music starts: "Eye of the Tiger," the theme from Rocky III. Miss Piggy is stunned; then an evil grin spreads oh-so-slowly across her face.)

MISS PIGGY
Kermit, it is my right as an actress, is it not, to interpret the scene as the mood music dictates?

KERMIT
(does a take, then looks at Link) Nice knowing you, Link. (He exits, S.R.)

(The choreography on this scene is very loose; the joke is that Link paws at Piggy as often as possible -- and every time he does, she karate-chops him on a beat in the song, e.g. "Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me (WHACK THUD), I wanna be dirty, thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night (POW) ---of the night....")

TOUCHA-TOUCH ME
(Music: "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor)

I was feelin' done in, couldn't win,
I'd only ever kissed before.
I felt there's no use getting into heavy petting,
It only leads to trouble and seat wetting.

Now I wanna know how to go,
I've tasted blood and I want more.
I'll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance,
I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance.

Toucha-toucha-to-o-ouch me,
I wanna be dir-ty,
Thrill me, chill me, fulfi-i-ill me,
Cree-ea-ture o-of the ni-i-ight -- Of the ni-i-ight!

(By the end of this, of course, Link has been thrashed to within an inch of his life. As Piggy trails off with some "Of the ni-i-ights", Link manages to thrown the blanket over himself; Piggy follows, shouting "Not so fast, buster!" The lights dim.) 

ACT III, Scene 3:

The Guest Star Gives Moral Support

(Kermit sits down at the front of S.L., obviously depressed. The Guest Star enters, S.L.)

GUEST STAR
Hi, Kermit. Is -- ah -- is anything wrong?

KERMIT (turning to look)
Oh, hi, (whoever). Oh, it's nothing.

GUEST STAR
Nothing?

KERMIT
Well... everything. (suddenly animated) This is a ridiculous story, we can't afford a single prop, Animal keeps eating things, Fozzie keeps making puns, Sam's vanished, everybody's too busy fooling around with everybody else to stick to the script, we don't have the time or the money to do what's LEFT of the script, and after the filk, Miss Piggy's finally got me where she wants me!

GUEST STAR (shrugs)
 Yeah. So what's the problem?

KERMIT (stares at him)
 "What's the --" Haven't you heard a word I've said?

GUEST STAR
Kermit, you are over-reacting. Now, think. What one thing makes The Muppet Show different from any other? What single dominant force guides its every episode, start to finish?

KERMIT (ruefully)
Murphy's Law.

GUEST STAR
Exactly! And you always try to get the show back on track, you fail miserably, things go absolutely bonkers, and it all still works out. Right?

KERMIT
More or less. But it's not a whole lot of fun.

GUEST STAR
Because you're trying too hard! Let me put this another way. (to S.L.) Music, maestro?

 (At this point, the Guest Star should do one of his or her regular songs. The best type of song to go here is a short, snappy sing-along, e.g., "Never Set the Cat on Fire." It should be funny, pithy, and have nothing whatsoever to do with overcoming adversity or being of stout heart and good cheer. By the middle of the song, the remaining members of the cast [excepting Link, Piggy, and Sam] have joined Kermit and the Guest Star on stage. After the song, Kermit looks at the Guest Star with wonderment on his face.)

KERMIT
Y'know... that had nothing to do with this mess at all.

GUEST STAR
Sure it did! It was fun to sing -- for me, anyway. You're missing the point, Kermit! Lighten up. Relax. The Show Must Go On, and it WILL, if you quit worrying about it and just DO it!

KERMIT (after a long pause)
You're right. I can't remember the last time I had fun doing this stuff. I keep panicking.  No more. Scooter! What's the next scene?

SCOOTER (wracking his memory)
Umm... Dr. Schlock arrives looking for alien invaders, you zap his wheelchair with the Triple Contact Magnet, and we all sit down to (he shudders) dinner.

KERMIT
Right. Ah, Dr. Strangepork: you're here, the Triple Contact Magnet -- (he looks around) wherever it may be -- cures your paralysis, and we'll send out for pizza later. Next?

SCOOTER
Umm, you slap around Janet for messing around with Porky Horror --

KERMIT and MISS PIGGY
Not likely.

(Miss Piggy is still beneath the blanket when this line is delivered. Kermit looks over; the blanket falls, and Miss Piggy and Link both grim. Kermit waves them both over, mouthing the words, "GET over here!". Scooter clears his throat and continues.)

SCOOTER
-- ah, Brad, Janet, Porky, and Nicaragua get turned to stone by the Medusa Machine (Nicaragua because she's secretly in love with you) --

JANICE
Hey, wait a minute! I mean, the frog's cute and all, but, like, I'm Floyd's lady, y'know?

SCOOTER
But you said I was your little horseradish whip...

(He suddenly covers his face in embarrassment. Everyone starts making accusations or denials.)

KERMIT (shouting everybody down)
THE POINT IS -- the point is that all of this hubbub is intended to get us to one scene.

COMPANY
The Floor Show.

KERMIT
Scooter, double-check that.

SCOOTER (ticking them off on his hand)
Dr. Schlock, Magnet, dinner, slapping around, Medusa --

KERMIT
Floor show! There, wasn't that simple? Okay, everybody get ready for the floor show! (to S.L.) ROLPH!!

ROLPH (in S.L. wings)
Yeah, Mean and Green?

KERMIT
Rolph, it's obvious to me that you are not going to find the right music unless we do a dramatization of "Reader's Digest Presents the Greatest Hits of Rock 'n' Roll." So what have you got back there that will work in a floor show?

ROLPH
Well, lemme see -- (his head vanishes, but papers start flying from the wings) -- we got Sweeney Todd, The Sound of Music, theme from Shaft, Greatest Hits of the Mamas and the Papas, Horse Tamer's Daughter --

ANNIE SUE, JANICE, MISS PIGGY, KERMIT, and GONZO
Careful with that! That's mine!

(They all look at each other, shrug.)

ROLPH (reappears)
-- Sorry, Kermit, the only things left are an old Baxter Flatpicking book, Eric Clapton for Easy Balalaika, and the original score to The Rocky Horror Show.

(The Moment of Truth: EVERYBODY dives for that book. Rolph hangs onto it, and Kermit backs him up.)

KERMIT (stunned with joy)
We got it! All right! Come on, everybody, we got a floor show to do!

(All exit.)

ACT III, Scene 4:

Da Big Finish

(The "Floor Show" music starts. Janice, Scooter, Link, and Piggy line up on stage, all draped in feather boas. Kermit and the Guest Star come out front, S.L.)

KERMIT
It looks great! Thanks so much, (whoever). I really appreciate it.

(Link slowly, surreptitiously stretches a hand toward Piggy's behind.)

GUEST STAR (modestly)
Oh, it's nothing, Kermit. By the way, what's my part in the finale?

KERMIT (suddenly sheepish)
Well, uh... actually, there isn't --

(Link gooses Miss Piggy. She yelps, whirls and punches him out. Link does a nice, eye-rolling swoon.)

KERMIT
 -- there isn't anyone but you we want in the finale!

GUEST STAR (humble)
Oh, gosh. What part do I play?

KERMIT
Rocky Horror.

(Kermit exits to S.L. with the Guest Star in hot, flabbergasted pursuit. Rolph and the Prop Person remove Link to S.R.)

Rose Tint My World
(not exactly the original lyrics)

JANICE
It was great when it all began,
I was a regular Froggie fan.
But it was over when he had the plan
To start working on a muscled ham.
Now the only thing that gives me hope
Is my backstage stash of dope.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my troublin' pain.

(The Guest Star, wrapped in boas, runs out to where Link stood.)

GUEST STAR (obviously disgusted, but T.S.M.G.O.)
This con's several hours old,
Truly beautiful to behold.
But somebody should be told
That this Muppet Show is uncontrolled.
Now the only thing I'm going to do
Is kill that frog when this is through.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my troublin' pain.

SCOOTER
It's beyond me,
Help me, Mommy,
I'll be good, you'll see,
Just take this show away --

(looks at script)

What's this? Next scene,
Gonzo kills the green queen!
I gotta warn Kermit before it's too late --
(to Piggy) Whoaw! Miss Piggy, break a leg!

(Scooter exits, S.L.)

MISS PIGGY (flustered)
Ah -- ah -- I feel released, by -- by -- ARRGH!

(She exits, S.L.)

FOZZIE (appears, S.R.)
 STOP DA MUSIC (The music stops.) Thank you! This seems like a good time for an Emergency Joke! Ahem: Didja hear the one about the Australian folksinger who visited the Pyramids? and he discovered this huge tapestry made of discarded mummy wrappings, telling the life story of the woman who invented Spanish punctuation marks? He wrote a song about it, called "The Band-Aid Wall-hang Ma Tilde!" Wakka wakka!

(He vanishes back into the wings. Piggy returns, boiling mad. Kermit enters, S.L., with Scooter right behind.)

SCOOTER
Are you SURE it's just in the script

KERMIT
Shhh! Ahem. What ever happened to Fay Wray --

STATLER
Whatever did happen to Fay Wray?

KERMIT
-- that elegant, satin-draped frame?

WALDORF
Oh, she's making glow-in-the-dark D&D dice. Real handy in dungeons.

KERMIT
As it clung to her thigh, how I started to cry --

STATLER
Oh! You mean, if I see Fay Wray dice, I can bash more wights?

WALDORF
Y' know, only the Meat Loaf fans are going to get that one.

KERMIT (sighs)
-- 'cause I wanted to be up in the con suite.

(Fozzie, Link, Gonzo, and Annie Sue enter, S.R.)

EVERYONE ON STAGE
Give yourself over to S.F. conventions,
Jacuzzi at midnight, and party till dawn,
Costumes and movies, sex, music, and cookies,
And hucksters with goodies to spend money on,
Can't you afford it, who-o-oahh --

KERMIT
Funny, this one's appropriate for this crowd, too.

Don't dream it, be-ee it,
Don't dream it, be-ee it...

(Everyone on stage joins in; they all form a slow chorus line -- step, two, three, kick. Dr. Strangepork enters, S.L.)

DR. STRANGEPORK (speaking in time to the chorus)
Ve've got to get out of zhiss crrap,
Before zhiss silliness wrrecks our careers.
I'vff got to be shtrong, und trry to hang on,
Or else my vunnybone may vell -- shnap!
Und my past vill be revealt....

EVERYBODY ON STAGE (Dr. Strangepork in front)
Each and every German dances to the strain
Of the I-Was-Not-A-Nazi Polka.
All without exception, join in the refrain
Of the I-Was-Not-A-Nazi Polka.

SCOOTER
It's beyond me... help me, Mommy?

ANNIE SUE (bending him back for a real Hollywood kiss)
She's not here -- will I do? (sm-mooch)

KERMIT
I bet she will.

Ma-ma-ma, mama ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-haa --

FOZZIE
Ma-nah ma-nah!

EVERYBODY ELSE ON STAGE (except Kermit)
Dee dee de dee-dee.

FOZZIE
Ma-nah ma-nah!

EVERYBODY ELSE ON STAGE (except Kermit)
Dee dee-dee dee.

FOZZIE
Ma-nah ma-nah!

EVERYBODY ELSE ON STAGE (except Kermit)
Dee dee de dee-dee, de dee-dee, de dee-dee, de-de-de-de-de- dee-dee de-de-dee.

(Kermit s-l-o-w-l-y turns to face Fozzie, who grins nervously and hides behind his hat.)

KERMIT
Fozzie, old friend...

FOZZIE (worried, yet hopeful)
Yeah, Kermit old pal?

KERMIT
Do the words "locked in a closed with nothing but stale Cheetos and reruns of "My Mother The Car" mean anything to you?

(Fozzie starts to say something, but we never know what, because Sam appears at the back of the audience, wearing a red headband and no shirt [the latter assumes that Sam is being played by a male], and holding the biggest weapons anyone at the con will lend us. As he sings, he stalks toward the stage. Scooter steps in front of Annie Sue; Link steps behind Miss Piggy.)

SAM (singing)
Frank N. Frogger, it's all over!
This show is a disaster, it's tasteless and obscene!
I'm your new producer, director, and script writer!
I'm hereby taking over -- and now this show is clean!

KERMIT
Wait! I can explain!

SAM
Oh, no, you don't! A frog in fishnets doing Judy Garland impressions is going too far! This has gone on too long, Kermit! I've put up with your indignities, abuse, immorality, and (glaring at Fozzie) PUNS for years! Now we're gonna do things MY way!

(Sam has not noticed two convention security people come up from behind.)

SECURITY PERSON #1
Excuse me, sir, but are those things peace-bonded?

SAM
Wh--? Of course not! If they were peace-bonded, they wouldn't be much of a threat, now, would they?

(The Security People nod to each other.)

SECURITY PERSON #2
Sir, convention rules state that anyone carrying an unbonded weapon is subject to immediate eviction from the con -- I'm afraid you have to come with us.

(They drag Sam out of the room, to his loud protests. Rolph enters, S.L.)

KERMIT (to audience)
It's not easy being a queen.

ROLPH
Kermit! In light of what we just saw, I think I got a good closing number.

KERMIT
Oh, what the hey. Go for it.

(Music starts - Frank Hayes' "Vegetate.")

ROLPH
I used to be so happy when I went to cons,
'Cause the people there are all the best.
But now I work security, and it's no fun,
'cause I never get a moment's rest.

EVERYBODY
'Cause we Defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
D-d-defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
D-d-defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
D-d-defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
Making' sure there's no trouble while we're at the con.

KERMIT
I stand around for hours at the huckster room
To keep away the mundane folk.

FOZZIE
And the art show has a way of attracting kids
with very full cups of Coke.

EVERYBODY
And we Defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
D-d-defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
D-d-defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
D-d-defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
Making' sure there's no trouble while we're at the con.

MISS PIGGY
I never have to worry when I'm on a date --

SCOOTER and ANNIE SUE
'Cause if he tries a thing, then she'll defenestrate.

EVERYBODY (except Piggy, who is mortified)
She'll hit him round round, hit him round,
Hit him around,
Hit him round round round,
Hit him around.

D-d-defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
D-d-defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
D-d-defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
D-d-defenestrate, d-d-defenestrate,
Making' sure there's no trouble while we're at the con.

ACT III, Scene 5:

Goodbye, Farewell, So Long Forever

KERMIT (a couple of steps forward of everyone else)
Well, it looks like we made it to the end of another one...

MISS PIGGY (ready for action)
Ahem. Remember your promise, Kermit? After the filk.

KERMIT (sighs heavily)
Yes, yes, Piggy, I do remember. The filk's gonna start, so go get the room ready.

MISS PIGGY (a bubble-bath on two legs)
Oh, certainly, my little froggie-woggie. I'll be waiting. Kissie-kissie!

(Miss Piggy exits, S.R.)

KERMIT (as soon as she's out of earshot)
Okay, everybody, in a few moments, we begin our special month-long filk. -- but, before we go, I'd like to thank our very special guest star, (whoever)! Yayyy!

GUEST STAR (stepping forward to join Kermit)
Well, thanks, Kermit. I had a great time.

KERMIT
Ah, no hard feelings over playing Rocky Horror?

GUEST STAR
Oh, not at all -- although for a few minute there, I wanted some boxing gloves.

KERMIT
Sounds like Rocky Horror to me. We'll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(Reprise of theme music -- time to take your bows. Just at the last moment...)

WALDORF
It could've been worse, you know. They could've thrown in the Moose and Squirrel.

STATLER
You mean --

WALDORF
Yep -- "The Bullwinkle and Rocky Horror Muppet Show!"

(Ba-damp ba-damp-bamp *WHOOMPH*)

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