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Words: Katt Thrasher
Music: "Hellraiser" by Tom Smith

Welcome, let me seat you,
We have been curious as to
Whether or not you'd be with us today.
We may not be beloved
By everyone, it's true,
But we can make your smile A-ok.

So many other eyes have held the anguish in your own,
The knowledge of his office, and his chair.
And I believe you need his help,
Though in your agony I do not share.

Your appointment is waiting for you,
Beyond that paneled door,
And it will open if you simply twist the knob.
You will find no pleasures there,
Just the tortures of the damned,
And a tall man wearing latex gloves, named Bob.

And the sharpness of each instrument exceeds the one before,
Within his white-walled office, small and cold.
Other patients' moans echo down the hall,
And this nightmare starts to unfold.

You brush them, and you floss them, and you brush a little more,
Then you tentatively take a step through his office door
'Cause you've got seven cavities I guess we'll have to fill,
Come take a seat and raise a dentist bill.

The fastest anesthetic
Is Novocain, they say,
It takes away all feeling and heat.
Cavities are meant to be filled,
And when they are, your tender gums
Experience the feeling of ground meat.

His appointments lead to braces,
To expanders, and bracket wax,
A life-long time of never-ending pain.
And there is no way to stop him,
Because, a year ago, Bob went insane.

This filling consists of other things
That you can barely feel,
Because you're so hyped up on laughing gas.
Part of it's cleaning, other, scraping,
And some will give you cause to
Scream so loud your voice can shatter glass.

Still, you'll marvel at the gentleness within those latexed hands,
Carefulness and skill so finely honed.
And when he's had you for a while,
You'll tell him "Thank you!" every time you moan.

He'll poke them, and caress them, and scrape them with his hook.
As you sit there stoned off your butt, you do not ever look.
Since you've got nothing more to do, and lots of time to kill,
Come take a seat and raise a dentist bill.

Everything gets paid for
By your insurance card.
Stealing others' cash brings us delight.
But all it takes it just a subtle
Appliance out of view
To make you decide you want a legal fight.

But I should give you warning that our lawyer's bloody good;
We have been to court at least five times before.
So, if you try, you may find yourself
Walking right back through our office door.

He plays with every cusped, and every molar, too;
Your whole mouth will be hurting after Dentist Bob is through.
Before you came, I hope you left your loved ones your last will.
Come raise yourself a not-so-little bill.

See more of Katt's stuff at

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