Badgers and Gophers and Squirrels,
Oh My:
The 24-Hour Project
Words and Music: © 2004 by Tom Smith
except where noted below
This was inspired
by Scott McCloud's 24-Hour Comics Day, an exercise in creativity. The
challenge is to produce as much as you can (basic target: a 24-page comic),
in its entirety, in a single 24-hour period. This appealed to me greatly,
but I can draw approximately one halfway-decent superhero pinup pose every
Presidential election cycle.
Songs, though -- songs,
I can write fast. So I got a bunch of suggestions from visitors to my
LiveJournal, and went crazy, and wrote seventeen songs in twenty-four
hours (and five minutes -- interruped by a phone call, yeesh). And the
darn things turned out pretty well.
Tamales of Death
or, Sari, Chali
(keywords: death, tamale; style: waltz)
Chali Zapata was certainly not a
Girl popular with the right cliques,
Chali Zapata, persona non grata
Because she was born in the sticks.
The scorn of the Heathers, with brains quite like feathers,
Was heaped on her, freshman through senior,
But always she smiled, a sweet friendly child,
All her loathing hid by her demeanor,
For Chali Zapata had learned from her faddah:
Revenge is best served with harina.
The school was planning for Cinco de Mayo
A potluck like none ever seen,
And everyone cheered when our girl volunteered
Some authentic Mexican cuisine.
On the Festival Day, she had one special tray
For the Heathers, who scarfed each tamale,
But the chilies were hot, and so nobody caught
The slight almondy whiff - more their folly,
And we heard Chali say, as they dragged her away,
"Those were Kali's tamales, by golly."
Chevre No Vas
(keywords: goat, meal; style: tango)
The demoli...tion team...
Was all out on the road...
For they had been fi...nally sent...
Their official "go" code.
The phrase "Goat Meal Tango"...
Was their signal to move,
For they had... a bridge...
That they had to remove.
They left their device on a girder,
right near the base,
Oh, won't some one prevent this foul murder,
this awful disgrace?
They waited on... the ridge...
For their bomb to go "boom",
but then underneath... the bridge...
They saw their plan's doom.
For a bil... ly goat...
Had found their I.E.D.,
The timer went down... her throat...
At T-minus three.
Next came a nice Benny Hill chase scene,
from midnight till morn,
Like a campy film made by Frank Capra,
I guess... Capra-Corn!
I bet you're as...king why...
They didn't shoot her on sight,
Well, I wrote this song, so I...
say they're not very bright.
That goat escaped to her farm,
That's what everyone reckons,
And that timer affected her milk...
It goes down smooth as silk...
And everyone... asks for seconds!
Pine Gia-Varnish
(keywords: turpentine, antidepressant; style:
Mozart opera)
Ahuh-ahuh-ahuh!
What ails you, friend?
I... am so depressed!
I'm not my best, I feel no zest,
This empty ache inside my breast,
I take no rest, I hear no jest,
I'm quite distressed, I do attest!
Sorry to hear it!
What do you suggest?
I have a plan!
If you've the notion, there's a potion
That's derived from northern wood,
It's a lotion with devotion
from the locals 'cause it's good!
The emotion that's encroachin'
on the wellness of yourself
We'll be broachin' to the ocean
With the stuff that's on the shelf!
Of course! Why didn't I think of it?
No remorse! I'll happily drink from it!
No need to pine, well, yes, there's pine,
But not that pine, as we define,
The choice is mine, it's by design,
I will not whine, wait, I've gone blind,
Now I decline, end of the line,
Set columbine around my shrine,
I'll intertwine with the divine,
I've cut the twine of my lifeline
With turpentine!
(collapses in death)
I meant moonshine!
Wok Like Any Gypped Chen
(keywords: pink, tofu; style: Frank Zappa)
Owww, it's a white turd got into my kitchen,
No, that's some bean curd, I better stop bitchin'
(got the bean curd) Get it into my wok,
(got the bean curd) Someone turn back the clock,
I got... sixty minutes, got to make a good stir fry
Got fifty minutes, this sashimi is dry,
Got forty minutes, and my rice is too sticky,
Got thirty minutes, want my cute assistant...
to give me a quicky (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww)
A hickie quicky (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww)
While we're both cookin' it's tricky (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww)
C'mon, honey, right here on the... cheek (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww)
Everything in this dish is the right flavor, you know,
But the colors are wrong, gimme a splash of merlot,
I'll splash it on the tofu, which now blushes like a rose,
At least I've got a chance, Kaga would've turned up his nose
At a white turd (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww....)
At a white turd (dew dew dew dew dew dewwwwww....)
Spam In The Street
(keywords: asphalt, spam; style: Sesame Street)
(Music: "Theme from Sesame Street"
by Joe Raposo)
Sunny day, watching the... workmen play,
They're at lunch, so, quick, let's use the heat,
While the asphalt still is soft
We can all write spam in the street.
Trim your thighs, increase your... penis size,
Great stock buys from someone you... can't... meet,
Why pay cash to advertise
When you can write spam in the street.
It's a pain to work this stuff
But if I work fast enough
It dries before they get back
They can't afford to back track, it's subliminal --
Warehouse drugs, Nigerian e-mail thugs,
Cheap insurance in case you get beat,
Underfoot and in your brain,
Look at all that spam in the street.
Hung Out? Too Dry
(keywords: karaoke, lemonade; style: marching
band)
I went with my friends to the karaoke bar last
night,
got up there to sing, but I knew something wasn't right,
I couldn't hit the low notes and I couldn't hit the high,
I felt like Simon Cowell had a thumb pressed on my eye
I sipped my drink remembering too late for
what I'd paid,
It wasn't booze or water, but some fresh-squeezed lemonade,
My lips were pursed, my throat closed up, I lost a perfect third,
But still I gamely tried to sing, and this is what they heard:
(closed-lip version of "You Light Up My
Life")
I won.
Pickled Gopher
(keywords: pickled, gopher; style: classic
rock)
I was with my baby out in the wood,
And lemme tell ya she was lookin' good,
We were cuddlin' under neath a tree
Then she leans over and whispers to me
"You know, baby, I'm in the mood
For something more exotic than your normal food.
Pickled gopher sounds mighty fine
Pickled gopher and a bottle of wine
Don't want no trouser snake or bald-headed mouse,
No one-eyed wonder worm allowed in the house
No tallywhacker, anaconda of love,
It's just a big pickled gopher I been dreamin' of."
Well, lemme tell ya, I was ready to go,
'Cause she's my baby and I love her so,
But then she pulled out a jar of meat,
Labeled "Big Pickled Gopher" and she started to eat,
I started runnin' just as fast as I could
But I can still hear her voice comin' out o' that wood --
"Pickled gopher sounds mighty fine
Pickled gopher and a bottle of wine
Don't want no meat whistle, carnal stump,
Heat-seeking moisture missile, junket pump,
No purple-helmeted warrior of love,
It's just a big pickled gopher I been dreamin' of."
RastaMatrix.com
(keywords: glowing, computer; style: Reggae)
Sitting down at my computer
Searching for I-tal snacks
When the screen started glowing
And the screen talks back
It says,
I am the Emperor of Zion,
I am the Lord your God,
I am the spirit of the Lion,
Download me to your iPod.
I don't remember smoking ganja,
Or getting hit on the head,
So I loaded up my iPod
And I did what the computer said
And now I've got an I-and-iPod,
And everyone who sees us believes
In a Rastafarian Matrix
With Ziggy Fishburne and Elijah Reeves.
And when we worship the Trinity.
We mean the one in the leather suit,
So come log on to RastaMatrix Dot Com
And discover your directory roots.
Badger Pajama
(keywords: badger, pajama; style: Klezmer)
(Music: "Sholom Aleichem", "Hava
Nagila" [trad.])
Badger pajamas,
badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas,
Badger, badger,
Mushroom, mushroom, snake.
Badger pajamas,
I'm wearing badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas,
Badger, badger,
Mushroom, mushroom, snake.
Badger pajamas, badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas, mushroom, mushroom, snake.
Badger pajamas, badger pajamas,
Badger pajamas, mushroom, mushroom, snake.
My eyes are bloody red,
My nights are filled with dread,
This song is in my head,
I can't get it out.
Should not have visited
That web site which they said
Had this animated
Badger singing loud.
Oh...
That...
Fricking badger --
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Badger, badger, badger, badger,
Mushroom, mushroom...
Sna-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaake.
Strontium Asp
(keywords: strontium, asp; style: Japanese
pop)
The playstation game series Metal Gear
Has got a new version every year,
It always stars that Solid Snake,
I mean, he's good, but gimme a break.
I'm a liquid metal guy,
My pyrotechnics light the sky,
I can slither right across the floor --
Who could want anything more?
Strontium Asp, the noble assassin,
Strontium Asp, He's kickin' your ass in,
Strontium Asp, he'll take out that fake,
Strontium Asp, The Real
Solid Snake.
Snake's so proud that he works alone,
Except for Deep Throat on the phone,
Roy, Natasha, and Master Miller,
Whole lotta help for a solo killer.
I'll get around those walking tanks,
A grateful world will give me thanks,
And then I'll get even more outlandish,
Make a Mei Ling, Meryl and Naomi sandwich.
Strontium Asp, the soft metal viper,
Strontium Asp, I'll Wolf down that Sniper,
Strontium Asp, Vulcan's gonna be Raven,
Strontium Asp, I'll turn Ocelot craven,
Strontium Asp, Mantis better be prayin',
Strontium Asp, Octopus I'll be slayin',
Strontium Asp, just wait and see,
Strontium Asp, The Big Boss is
Waiting for me.
The Feud, The Proud
(keywords: junkyard, wars; style: bluegrass)
The Hatfields and the McCoys
Have been at it since they were boys,
But muskets and traps have been put under wraps
In favor of new techie toys.
Ol' Manfred McCoy built a hound,
Fifteen feet tall, and three thousand pounds,
A cast-iron killer, he called it Dawgzilla,
Ain't a Hatfield it can't bring to ground.
Well, Clem Hatfield struck back with panache,
Wanted somethin' too hefty to smash,
It was tough an' it stank, so he called it Septic Tank,
Just a cannon on a dumpster for trash.
Then the kids wanted in on the fun,
Tried creatin' a new kind o' gun,
Little Elmer and Bonita made a meat-an'-greet repeater,
hand-crank meat grinder with an M-1.
They went into the cornfield at dawn,
And like Mills Lane, said "Let's get it on!"
But Dawgzilla chased some squirrels, Elmer wouldn't play with girls,
And the dumpster rolled downhill, an' it's gone.
So the Hatfields and the McCoys
Have abandoned their new techie toys
Ain't exactly a truce, both have just gone recluse,
An', quite frankly, I don't miss the noise.
Is A Little VPTR Okay?
(keywords: VPTR [virtual pointer], pastrami;
style: Big Band)
Where'd you put the pastrami?
It's hangin' right over there,
I can't find the pastrami,
I gave it a VPTR. - Where?
The VPTR is sittin' in front of the cheese,
But where is the cheese? - Look, just follow me, please.
The cheese is in front of the two-day old challah,
Right next to the kishka, And that costs a dollah!
You got a virtual pointer, to hidden pastrami,
Intangible cheese, simulated salami,
Texture-mapped challah and kishka, my friend,
Well, I'm never playing Sim Deli again!
... Hey! Who stole the kishka?
Theme from "Space Squid"
(keywords: space, squid; style: rock 'n' roll)
From the other side of the galaxy,
Came a U.F.O. as big as could be,
Out came a giant cephalapod,
Wearing blue spandex on his bod
He said, "All your hostilities, cease!
I'm not an enemy, I come in peace,
I am here to save you from
The deadly menaces yet to come."
He can fight, he can fly,
He always says "do or die",
He's... Space Squid, and he's come here to save the world.
So our hero, the Mollusk of Might,
The Cosmic Calimari, is ready to fight
Against the forces that evil sends
And for his Japanese child friends
This is Ken, and that's his sister,
She had a name, but we musta missed 'er,
And together, these exciting three
Battle against Doctor Sashimi.
He can swim, he can squirt,
You can hit him and he won't get hurt,
He's... Space Squid, friend to every boy and girl.
He's... Space Squid, and he's come here to save the world.
Pizza Lovin' Squirrels
(keywords: pizza, squirrels; style: blues)
Deliverin' pizza
Late one night
I got a call
But somethin' wasn't right
Didn't want pepperoni
Mushrooms or cheese
They wanted pine nuts, acorns,
And other stuff from trees!
I thought "vegetarian extremists,
Or prank-playing sorority girls"
But I never expected
Some pizza-lovin' squirrels.
Address was all wooded
Only one person home
Sweet little old lady
Who hadn't used the phone
She was in between dentures
Lactose gave her cramps
I turned to go and saw the pizza
Carried off by two scamps
Musta tapped into the wires,
Decided to give that 'phone call' thing a whirl,
But how'd they sound like David Spade,
Those pizza-lovin' squirrels.
So what could I do?
I chased 'em up the tree
They got to the high part
And laughed down at me
I Said "I'm gonna cut down
Every tree in this yard",
They looked at each other, then one handed
Me a MasterCard.
Now they're some o' my best customers,
I love the way their tails curl
Every time I say "Nuts to you",
Those fine pizza-lovin' squirrels.
Aluminum Dog
(keywords: aluminum, dog; style: 80s rock)
Mommy said I couldn't have another poodle
Last one got sauteed by Koreans with noodles
So I went down to the local Radio Shack
Got a lot a parts, some custom, some off the rack
Some kids like Legos or Lincoln Logs
But I-built-me an aluminum dog.
Every morning ate the paper and my slippers
And his choppers were efficient as wood chippers
He was friendly, but his lick would take your skin off
No one petted him except this one cute thin Goth
She preferred digital to analog,
And she-loved-me for my aluminum dog.
He could play frisbee at eighty-five miles
an hour
He could chase cats to the top of the water tower
Then one day I went to take him to get siding
Couldn't find him, I guess he went into hiding
And without him here, my girlfriend isn't carin'
Now I'm lonely -- guess I'll build a Charlize Theron
This song needs no epilogue,
'Cause I-built-me an aluminum dog.
Aggressively Cute
(keywords: aggressively, cute; style: 80s pop)
We're just so wonderful, please buy our stuff
'Cause if you don't, we might have to get rough,
We're the best singers of our style and age
Better agree or we'll have a match inside a steel
Cage, we're so beautiful, come see our flicks,
We're endearing, at least to you hicks,
Young budding womanhood, brimming with class,
So buy what we sell or we might have to come and kick your
Ass, 'cause our honor's at stake here
For you, we feel contempt and hate
We've got some cash in to rake here
Me and my sister Mary-Kate.
Kiowa Timepiece Talking
Blues
(keywords: Kiowa, time; style: talking blues)
Well, most American Indian tribes
Never paid much attention all their lives
To time beyond the rise and set of the sun.
Some tribes, like kiowa, kept some track,
Painting pictographs on the hide from the back
Of a buffalo -- that's how their calendar begun.
Now there was one, of middling fame,
And no one alive can pronounce his name
But it translated roughly in English to "chaser of time".
He noticed how long different woods would burn,
How long till wet mud would dry to an urn,
And he wanted to figure out nature's reason and rhyme.
See, everyone knew it took longer, say,
To give birth to a life than to take it away,
But it never occurred to them to maybe ask "Why".
Why are there different seasons for blossoming
flowers,
Why is meat cooked in minutes while bread can take hours,
Why does winter come when the sun's lower in the sky?
So Chaser of Time went to Devil's Tower,
New Mexico, only that's what we call it -- our
young hero called it "Bear Butte", a name that I prefer
He sacrificed to the Great Spirit and cried,
"I would understand movement and stasis and tide
Please explain how these different times will always occur."
Well, he got on his knees and he lowered his
head,
And the next thing you know, a huge voice said,
"All things have their own way, and their own speed.
"The rabbit is swifter than the fox, it
is said,
'Cause if he was not, then he'd be dead,
You can learn these patterns if only you will take heed.
"The secrets of time and the universe
Are only a blessing and not a curse
Just remember your place in the wondrous cosmic All.
"Now listen closely and write this down"
But chaser of Time gave a terrible frown,
And said "I can't write" -- and the Spirit said, "Damn.
Sorry, y'all."
So that's why the Kiowa don't have clocks,
Why they lived in caves and their tools were rocks
And why you can't hardly find one today, and they are missed.
But they had one advantage, ignoring time,
To figure out nature's reason and rhyme,
They had to feel it -- while we just look at our wrist.
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