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500 Hats

Words: © 1996 by Tom Smith
Music: "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by Craig and Charlie Reid
It was a cute idea: Dr. Seuss's "The 500 Hats Of Bartholomew Cubbins" to the tune of The Proclaimers' big hit. (They deserve more, by the way. Their stuff is all quirky and fun.) But I realized quickly there was no good way to stretch it out for the whole song, and so I started jamming in as many Suess titles as I could. Still, the song didn't get sewn together until I was transcribing it into the computer, and the last two lines came to me as I was typing the two lines before them.

When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be,
I'm gonna be as poor as when I went to bed.
When I go out, well, I know I'm gonna have,
I'm gonna have this feathered cap upon my head.

Go to market, well, the streets are crowded now,
But they're moving back in deference to the King.
When I see him, well, I show respect and bow,
And take off my hat -- hey! What's wrong with this thing?

I might wear five hundred hats,
And I might wear five hundred more,
But it's insulting to the King,
Oh, God, I see him coming o'er.

Down in Whoville, all the Whos way down in Whoville,
Well, you know they all liked Christmastime a lot.
But the Grinch, the Grinch who lived just North of Whoville,
Well, you know that nasty Mister Grinch did not.

In the Jungle, well, you know, down in the Jungle,
A young elephant named Horton hears a call,
And that dust speck, that dust speck'll be protected,
For a person's a person, no matter how small.

I do not like green eggs and ham,
I do not like them, Sam I Am.
I do not like them here or there,
I do not like them anywhere.

Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.
Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.

When I leave home, I leave home to walk to school,
And to think I saw it on Mulberry Street.
And the Once-ler, up there lurking in his Lerkim,
Watched the Lorax lift himself up by his seat.

The Collapsible Frink'll honk a Hinkle-horn,
Mister Brown can moo, he must think he's a cow.
Where's my moss-covered three-handled family gridunza?
You are lucky, did I ever tell you how?...
Marvin K. Mooney, will you please go now!

And I can lick thirty tigers today,
I had trouble getting to Solla Sollew,
And I can read with my eyes shut,
One fish, two fish, red fish, blue.

Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!) Butter Battle! (Butter Battle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.
Yertle Turtle! (Yertle Turtle!) Yertle Turtle! (Yertle Turtle!)
Bom-badda-dum, badda-dum, badda-dum-badda-da-dadah.

And I can wear five hundred hats,
And I can wear five hundred more,
And in one hat there'll be a cat --
Oh, thank dear God, my kid's begun to snore.

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