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Bimbo Wizard

Words: ©1990, 1994 by Tom Smith
Music: "Pinball Wizard" by Pete Townsend
For those of you who think you know where my head is at: I wrote this in a half-hour, on the big staircase in the Hyatt Convention Center where MarCon has been held for the past fifteen years, while the convention was going on around me at High Noon on Saturday. As soon as I was finished, I wrote "A Boy And His Frog". Moral of the story: NOBODY knows where my head is at, not even me.

When I was first apprenticed, I broke my crystal ball.
Wands and orbs and scepters I couldn't use at all.
But I ain't seen nothing like her in any wizard's hall,
That dense, dumb and blonde kid can't cast a spell at all.

She looks real good in costume, with Spandex oh-so-tight,
She's got a magic walking-stick that blazes up at night,
And brother, does she need it, or otherwise she'd crawl,
That dense, dumb and blonde kid can't cast a spell at all.

She's a bimbo wizard, can't do a single trick,
A bimbo wizard, how can she be so thick?

Is there a spell she does right? I don't know.
Who could think she's good?

Well, she ain't got no detractors, 'cause she catches every eye,
She casts a local levitate when she comes strutting by,
She laughes and bats her lashes when they say, "Hey, wanna ba- date?"
That dense, dumb and blonde kid can't cast a spell at all.

I thought I was the worst that ever were,
But I just handed the Bimbo Crown to her.

We're both inept at magic, but God, that lady's cute,
She thinks likewise about me, in my spiffy purple suit,
The costume show has prizes, and we're gonna win them all,
That dense, dumb and blonde kid sure pleased the masked fan ball.

(Alternate last verse)
Well, here at this convention, there's been an awful fight,
Of vicious verbal wordplay, while authors do it write,
There were three prizes, and my lady nearly won 'em all,
That dense, dumb and blonde kid showed & placed the mean pun brawl.

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