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Boxing Helena

Words: © 1993 by Tom Smith
Music: "Venus in Blue Jeans" by Jimmy Clanton, with a final quote from "Waltzing Matilda" (Aus. trad.)
I'm so pleased at how much trouble this song has gotten me into. I haven't even seen the movie: I saw a newspaper ad for it, while the local oldies radio station was playing "Venus In Blue Jeans". The Twin Peaks references are, of course, because of the star of the movie, Sherilynn Fenn. (The cherry-stem trick, by the way, is revealed in the book Penn and Teller's How to Play with your Food.)

Helena has Twin Peaks,
And her tongue can tie a cherry stem,
She's the only woman that I love,
There's someone she reminds me of:

Venus de Milo,
The greatest beauty man has ever known,
But I don't have a Venus here,
So I'll make one of my own.

You never have to fear, my darling,
You always can depend on me,
In fact, you're gonna have to after
Some non-elective surgery.

Bob Vila, he showed me,
How to build my love a wooden crate,
With the very same saw that cut off her limbs,
Boy, do-it-yourself-ing is great!

I've always liked women's bodies,
Ever since I was a little kid,
And now I've got the perfect woman:
Just lips, hips, breasts, and a lid.

Boxing Helena
Is a twisted male fantasy,
But at last I have a girl who will never leave,
And she belongs... to... me!

(to "Waltzing Matilda")
Boxing Helena, Boxing Helena,
Who'll come watch Boxing Helena with me?

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