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Callisto

Words: © 1997 by Tom Smith
Music: "Calypso" by John Denver
Like "Sheep Marketing Ploy", which some people wanted me to rewrite to reflect the passing of Shari Lewis, this is a song that people want me to overhaul, this time because the Callisto character has changed so drastically. Well, I did at last do an extra verse and chorus, which are lying around here somewhere. When I find 'em, I'll put 'em up here. Still, I like this one. It's a hoot to sing, and it reveals a good deal less about my sexual tastes than you might think, and it ticks off the true John Denver nuts, who have actually tried to tell me the song is blasphemous because Denver's dead now. Yeesh.

To surf on the net, or to surf TV channels,
Over and over, there's been one request:
It's Xena we want, the Warrior Princess,
At least Gabrielle, and we want them undressed.
Now, I have to admit, they're not unattractive,
But if we're talking fantasies, I want the best.

Aye, Callisto, I think that I love you,
You psycho bitch leather queen killer bombshell.
Hai, Callisto, I sing to your spirit,
I'm doing it now, 'cause you're going to Hell.

Ai-yi-yi!
Whoh-ooh-ohh...
Ai-yi-yi!
Whoh-ooh-ohh...

I've noticed a trend in the Xena fan-fiction:
Our heroes are lesbians, friendly and more...
Meanwhile, on the show, they're all into bondage,
Shackles, and leather, and sex on the floor.
If these two trends combine, we'll get... Mistress Callisto...
Enslaving our heroes...
...
the ratings will soar!

Aye, Callisto, put Xena in irons,
I hope you take Gabrielle over your knee,
But, why, Callisto, does Xena obsess you?
You do it to her, but I wish it was me.

Aye, Callisto, I think that I love you,
You psycho bitch leather queen killer bombshell.
Hai, Callisto, I sing to your spirit,
An hour with you would be worth any Hell.

Ai-yi-yi!
I-I-olous -- wait, that's the other show...
Ai-yi-yi!
Whoh-ooh-ohh...

... That extra verse I mentioned above? Found it....

She once was a babe, a blonde in black leather,
A sexier snuff queen you never would find;
But then came the plots where Xena redeems her,
And now she's all gentle and loving and kind;
Her wings are a joke, and her robes sure are glowing,
Some jerkface producer is out of his mind....

Aiee, Callisto, you're Touched By An Angel,
A cloying self-righteous defender of peace,
I, Callisto, speak for your male viewers:
Corrupt Roma Downey and dump Della Reese.

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