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Cthulhu Lite FM

Words and Music: © 1997 by Tom Smith

The Cthulhu Mythos, a cycle of short stories involving alien horrors, weird gods from beyond the stars, and landscapes of dream and myth, were created by Howard Phillip Lovecraft, an unhealthy, reclusive man whose mind and heart were flung far beyond the confines of his frail flesh. He corresponded incessantly -- over one hundred thousand letters -- and wrote purplish prose that compares favorably with Poe and Dunsany. So: Suppose the Great Old Ones decided that having this little nebbish as their primary P.R. man was just not working out? And suppose they figured that somebody like James Taylor or John Tesh, with a little more STAR POWER (so to speak), might get a few more converts? Now, it happens that the first version of this song was... not anywhere near as funny as I seemed to think it was. It's clever; it's got some really witty lines (Anne was particularly fond of "The sushi bar kicked me out once again / When I stroked the calamari and called it my friend"). But Leslie finally came out and said it: it just wasn't a very funny song. Sooo... I rewired it.

It's a beautiful night, but the stars in the skies
Aren't nearly as bright as the light in my eyes,
I didn't take my Prozac again,
'Cause without it I see things beyond mortal ken.

Join with me in devout prayer, at midnight so deep,
'Cause once you know what's Out There, then you'll never sleep.
A million years ago, he first came,
He's changing my world, let me tell you his name --

Dread Cthulhu, Elder God from the stars,
If you see him and live, you'll hang out more in bars,
The nastiest ocean god left,
Like a mountain of sushi, pissed off at the chef.

His geometry has corners with curves,
And the roles that we're born for are slaves and hors-d'ouvres,
Those Caribbean cruise plans you've made,
Have got you putting yourself in a sea salt marinade.

All the tales of the power of the God of the Jews
Never mention a tower of tentacled ooze.
Confucianism, Buddhists, and Tao
Don't prepare you for things that suck the skin off a cow.

Still, he's one cautious god, and he's taking his time,
But after O.J., Newt, Rodman, and Prince, what's more slime?
He's got his flipper stuck in the door,
'Cause you see grosser stuff on Nintendo 64.

Dread Cthulhu knew we fight if we're scared,
So he made us so jaded that nobody cared.
With clinic bombings, kids shot at school,
And the W.B. Network -- hey, the Great Old One's cool.

Dread Cthulhu knew the stars would be right
To come back to the earth, so he's come back tonight.
All your hope I don't want to crush,
But to him, we're dead goldfish, and now it's time to flush.

The F.B.I. waited for him to come,
And now Scully's his priestess, and Mulder's her drum.
A nuke only made him annoyed,
So he banished our government to some nether void.

The Chinese Army was one billion men,
But just one hour later, he was hungry again;
The Russians fell to madness and ooze,
Although ironically Yeltsin went sane, and then swore off booze.

Now, the secrets that killed men who lowered their guards
Are collected by children on cool trading cards.
Cthulhu Crunch, part of this nutritious horror;
Visit Cthulhu-dot-com, but -- trust us -- use Explorer.

His love slaves are swarthy, and vile as can be:
Tammie Faye, Jen McCarthy, and Pamela Lee.
He rules the whole world from within,
But he's about to go public -- that's where I come in.

Dread Cthulhu came to visit my dreams,
'Cause he knew I could keep singing over the screams,
Fingers snapping, pseudopods flaying,
He'll let me live as long as I keep on playing.

Dread Cthulhu, rising out of the sea,
To devour the planet with biscuits and tea,
Now we're at the end of the show,
With six billion Human McNuggets, ordered to-go.

("I'd like to super-size that, please....")

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