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Hamster Brain

Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike license
My friend Janet is a frequent victim of "hamster brain" -- those times when your thoughts keep running and running, like a hamster in a wheel, usually when you're trying to get to sleep. She and Leslie, also a sufferer of this dread condition, often sign off phone conversations with, "Death to hamsters!" Les mentioned this once to our friend Karen, who's got a two-year-old, Miranda. And Karen said, "Miranda has a birthday card with a hamster on it. She likes the hamster."

And that is how this song came to be.

Three o'clock in the morning and I can't frickin' sleep.
I've tried showers, music, milk and cookies, wine and counting sheep.
But a zillion little random thoughts are driving me insane,
It's like hamsters on a wheel running right inside my brain.

Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Death to hamsters except for Miranda's
Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Except Miranda's 'cause she has one as a pet.

I'm not crazy, suicidal, overworked or overstressed,
It's just when I start to think of stuff I can't give it a rest,
And it rattles shakes and rumbles from the moment I disrobe,
I don't want a frickin' habitrail inside my frontal lobe.

Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Death to hamsters except for Miranda's
Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Except Miranda's 'cause she has one as a pet.

I told my little niece Miranda,
About the hamsters who keep me up all night
And she cried and said, "Please don't hurt them,
It's not their fault, you haven't got the right"
So I've written New Age hamster music,
Put Hamster Sominex inside a bedside cup,
Even tried some hamster hypnosis,
I'll take a mallet to my mullet if they won't... shut... up!

Then one night I couldn't take it, and I sat up in my bed,
Grabbed the mallet, started playing Whack-A-Hamster on my head.
And I'm so sorry, Miranda, I was mean and I was weak...
But lemme tell ya, it's adorable -- you hit 'em and they squeak.

Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Death to hamsters except for Miranda's
Death to hamsters, death to hamsters,
Except Miranda's 'cause she has one as a pet.
So I don't think that I'll mention it just yet.

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