Howie's Norvegian Bluess
Words and Music: © 2001 by Tom Smith
I wrote this for Howard Harrison
("The Birdie Song"), the only tall black guy I know who talks like
a Norwegian bachelor farmer. It also allowed me to build onto an old joke from
my youth, resurrected magnificently on the MST3K episode featuring The
Sword And The Dragon. If you're too young to get it, well, beer and cigarette
commercials used to have jingles. One of the most famous was that for Schlitz
Beer -- "When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer".
Woke up dis mornin', just like I always do,
Don' know why 'xactly, but dis morning I'm feelin' kinda blue.
'Course, I'm a Norwegian bachelor farmer -- hey, whatcha gonna do?
Got myself a Guernsey, she's all covered with spots,
In spring she gives me fertilizer -- well, I give her Ex-Lax, and she makes
garden plotz.
Some local kids got some paint, an' on my cow they played connect-the-dots.
Got a high-tech fishin' pole, dat new Zebco rod &
reeler,
It's got anti-lock brakes, a cell phone, GPS, Weber gas grill, Firewire, and
potato peeler.
And streaming internet radio, so on Saturday I don't have to miss Garrison Keillor.
I got my woman Inga -- an' Inga's lookin' mighty
fine,
She's my hot Wisconsin mama -- twenty six, but she could pass for thirty-nine.
I ain't goin' out with her for her brains -- not that shes goin' out with me
for mine.
She went down to da dock and wondered: How much lumber
we got here?
She counted all the boards and slits between 'em, hit the end and disappeared,
I guess it's true what dey say -- when you're outa slits, you're outa pier.
When she got back on dry land, I asked her, Where'd
ya go?
She shrugged and said, "Slit happens" -- why she said dat, I'll never
know,
It musta been pier pressure -- Well, That's the song. I gotta go.
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