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Lars Needs Women

Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike license
The basic idea was a punny punchline I thought of months ago. (If for some reason you don't get it, it's a play on the title of a famous bad movie, Mars Needs Women.) But what amazed me was how hard I ended up working on it. No kidding, I rewrote every verse but the first at least twice, and I went through six different endings before settling on this one. Lars got the girl, Lars didn't get the girl, Lars was relatively content but wating for a girl, Lars got a harem of nubile young dancers, Lars got a guy in drag (whom I even briefly considered making Rupert -- but, as Alex Karras said, "Mongo straight"), Lars got more lousy puns (e.g., about backrubs -- "Lars kneads women"), Lars and the girl and the troll got into a threesome....

And I'm still not completely happy with it. So, for all I know, this may be rewritten and rerecorded. Or I might do a sequel. Or maybe "The Lars Variations". Or release an extended version on DVD, with multiple endings like Clue.

All of which is to say: If you're looking for deeper meaning, it ain't there.

Lars strong, Lars free,
Lars brave -- Lars ME,
Lars big, Lars tough,
But that not enough.
Lars lonely, want girl,
Lars search whole wide world,
Want blonde, brunette,
Redhead -- Heck! Whole set.
Lars needs women.

When Lars young thing
Won war, Lars King
Lars think Lars win
But Lars' troubles begin
All day make law,
Balance budget, flap jaw
"Hem-Hem"s, "Tut-Tut"s,
It drive Lars NUTS,
Lars needs weekend.

One night, Lars sneak
Out gate, down creek
Look up at stars
Being king not Lars
So Lars leave throne,
Go off on Lars' own,
Crown jewels, took some --
Lars slow, not dumb.
Lars needs somethin'.
Might be women.

One day, Lars stroll,
See girl fight troll.
Troll huge, troll vile,
But girl just smile.
Strong arms, strong back,
Pull sword, took whack,
Troll down, girl hack,
Lars think, "Nice rack" --
Lars needs woman.

Lars say great strike!
Girl cute, Lars like,
Girl shy, girl coy,
Girl girl, Lars boy,
Lars get girl hitched,
Settle down, scratch itch,
Lars' heart girl tame --
Should learn girl's name,
Lars needs women,
Lars needs women,
Lars needs women!

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