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Makeout Dot Com

Words: © 1998 by Tom Smith
Music: "Jack and Diane" by John Cougar Mellencamp
A magnificently obvious scam surfaced in the summer of 1998: Two virgins, Mike and Diane, would make love together... on a live Internet video feed, on pay-per-view. (The URL was ourfirsttime.com, which is now a dignified-appearing hardcore teen porn site.) The furor ranged from damnation to bemusement, and within two weeks -- well before the projected date -- it was revealed that it was not the beautiful expression of love and freedom that they said it was, but only (surprise!) a crass attempt to get a lot of money in a hurry. Moreover, not only were they not virgins, they were not planning to go all the way, but to "get cold feet" at the last moment. Needless to say, the pay-per-view never, ah, got off.

Little ditty, 'bout Mike and Diane,
Two American kids with a video cam.
Gonna do something we'll all regret,
Gonna lose their virginity on the Internet.

Some people lose it in a Chevy backseat,
Some lose it lying on the couch, some standing on their feet.
These kids just lost it, 'n' that's where we are today,
Got a lawyer to negotiate going all the way.

Oh yeah, life goes on,
Long after the thrill of the gimmick is gone,
Oh yeah, smile, you're on,
The whole world's watching at Makeout Dot Com.

On August Fourth, Nineteen Ninety-Eight,
'Bout ten million folks'll watch 'em procreate.
Will there be so much foreplay, the viewers won't wait?
Will Mike prematurely ejac-u-late?

Will Diane take a look at him, say "You don't rate"?
Will she change her mind and say, "Not on the first date"?
Will they fade out holding each other, say, "Baby, you were great"?
Will the video rights be purchased by Bill Gates?

Oh yeah, the condom goes on,
Wish she was on the Pill, 'cause the moment is gone,
Oh man, what a yawn,
Two nervous virgins on Makeout Dot Com.

Gonna be a book, movies too,
Gonna love my baby on pay-per-view,
Will you still want me, will our love be alive,
When we both wake up on August Five?

Oh yeah, life goes on,
Long after Stern, King, and Springer are gone,
Oh yeah, life goes on,
Just another download from Makeout Dot Com.

Little ditty, 'bout Mike and Diane,
Their first date's gonna generate a whole lotta spam.

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