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My Name Is Torgo

Words: © 1994 by Tom Smith
Music: "Luka" by Suzanne Vega
If you don't know what this song is about, man, are you lucky (or unlucky) depending upon how much you hate (or love) bad movies. A would-be artiste named Hal Warren wrote, directed, and starred in MANOS: The Hands Of Fate, a film so stupefyingly bad that, on Mystery Science Theater 3000, the Mad Scientists apologized to Joel and the 'Bots for showing it to them. (M:THOF is generally regarded as the all-time best episode of MST3K, and once you've seen it, it's hard to argue... or breathe.) Torgo, the servant of The Master, is a weird little man who's supposed to be a satyr or something. At the first Mystery Science Theater 3000 ConventioConExpoFestARama, the costume contest featured a "Parade Of Torgos", and -- trust me -- you have never, ever seen anything like it.

My name is Torgo, I take care of the Master's place,
Even though I'm slow and clumsy, with no intelligence in my face,
You shouldn't have come here, you should move,
You know the Master wouldn't approve,
You should just pack up and go, you should just pack up and go,
You should -- oh, let me get that.

Your wife is lovely, the Master and I agree,
But he's got six already, and I want one for me,
But there's too much stubble on my cheek,
Humongous knees and no technique,
Just one kiss and I'll be gone, just one kiss and I'll be gone,
Just one -- oh, forget it.

My name is Torgo, inside me beats the heart of a man,
That Geraldo clone I work for fired me and then my hand.
Everyone's treated me so rude,
I might as well deliver food,
Here's your pizza, extra cheese, that'll be nine-fifty, please,
You want some Crazy Bread with that?

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