Words: © 1999 by Tom Smith, after Howard
Music: "Under the Sea" by Alan Menken
The original "On
The PC" was written for WorldCon 1991, and was getting a lot long in
the tooth. So, I upgraded it. But in the ensuing five years (what IS it with
me and that number?), things have exploded again. As of this writing, processors
are at around 3.2 Ghz, DVD writers and WiFi are almost common, Virge and Voodoo
don't even exist anymore, and Amiga has had two owners since Gateway bought
'em, so I may need to start writing again soon. By the way, the first two lines
are exactly the same as in the original song, because user interfaces always
looks misleadingly familiar at first.
The source code is always cleaner on somebody else's
You dream about each new upgrade without which you must survive,
You bought your computer last year, but that was your worst mistake,
'Cause now you want something faster, increase your frame rate for Quake.
On the PC, on the PC,
Who cares what you do, long as it's Voodoo, Virge and 3D?
The most sophisticated stuff in years
Is obsolete before your check clears,
Fit out your tower, WE NEED MORE POWER on the PC!
The IBM's too ephemeral, components don't work quite
The iMac is one big emerald, like transparent Kryptonite,
And off in the Myst of history, Amiga's dreams may come true,
But what it'll be like's a mystery -- except that its box will moo.
That's a PC! And that's a PC,
That one, and this one, blink and you'll miss one, and that's the key.
Can you be this dumb? You're not so sure,
Acronyms and numbers all start to blur,
Let's try to slow down, get you the lowdown on the PC.
(Tune: "Kiss The Girl")
Yes, you want it, Look at it, you know you do,
Just a thousand bucks or two, it's all multitasking,
But you don't want to buy it, all its parts will fry, it's
Just a... Packard Bell.
The trackball is cacked, the mouse starts to
You ain't got the Paint Shop book in the house,
The inkjet is blinking, paper's escaped,
And Windows slows to a crawl.
You're losing your bytes like an aging shark,
The DVD-ROM shows only South Park,
The scanner is bland, the hard drive is charred,
And makes no sound at all....
Ahhhh, the PC, ah, the PC,
These days, it's forbidden to use software written too carefully,
If it's all the coolest toys you seek,
Simply buy a new computer each week,
The mighty are fallen, they're all web-crawlin', on the PC.
College is cheaper than playing Minesweeper on
Start loading, start waiting, we're all vegetating,
Try each new flavor of your best screen-saver,
I can't recall my old life at all before the PC.