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Pinky-Hontas

Words: © 1995 by Tom Smith, after Stephen Schwartz and the nutbars at Amblin
Music: about half of the score of Walt Disney's animated film Pocahontas,
by Alan Menken, slightly rearranged by Tom Smith,
and the theme from Steven Spielberg's Pinky And The Brain
One of the worst cartoon fiascos of the last ten years is Disney's Pocahontas, a richly beautiful film with no plot. I decided to give it one -- and, I figured it might as well be one to take over the world....

I. (tune: "The Virginia Company")

I'll tell to you a story, and sing you a refrain,
Of such abomination it's not easy to explain.
At the Acme Laboratory, each night they try again,
For global domination -- yes, it's Pinky and The Brain.
For global domination, yes, it's Pinky and The Brain.

II. (tune: "Listen With Your Heart")

Hey, hey, wa-oh, wow, you will understand,
Take a hit of this, really righteous, man.

*cough* *cough* Yeah, I see, this is really nice,
Hey, this peyote -- give some to those mice....

III. (tune: "Just Around The Riverbend")

(Pinky)
What I love best about being a mouse
Is eating all that cheese for free,
And the wheel that we run in isn't boring --

(Brain, spoken)
Oh, yes, it is.

(Pinky)
But now and then this little house
Just doesn't seem right to me,
And I feel like I want to go exploring...

Just beyond the water tube,
Just beyond the water tube,
I'll try my luck --
Just beyond the water tube --
Help, Brain, I'm stuck!

(Brain)
Pinky, you're a helpless boob,
Just beyond the water tube!

IV. (tune: "Colors of the Wind")

(Brain)
You think your world is metal, glass, and plastic,
It's where you live, and where you think you'll die;
But now and then, your roommates tend to vanish,
And you haven't got the Brain to wonder why.

Well, now, thanks to a chemical reaction
That's modified our mousey DNA,
I might regret the simple life I'm leaving,
But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Have you ever known that E would equal M C Squared,
Have you seen things after always being blind,
Or have you simply jammed a digit in your nostril?
Have you wasted all the powers of the mind?
Into that trap, I won't fall,
Someday I'll rule over all --
I've a taste for all the powers of the mind.

V. (tune: "Mine, Mine, Mine")

(Brain)
All religious mystery, warfare, and sorrow
Will fade into history by this time tomorrow.
Your leaders are dolts, who'll to revolts --
Though they'll gab, grouse, and fool you, boys,
A lab mouse will rule you, boys....

Mind, Pinky, it's mind over matter,
And my mind, mine over theirs,
And my brain... will... strain... till...
The empires of Man all succumb to the plan
That my brilliance has surely designed --
It's... all... in my mind, mind, mind!

(Pinky)
... Zort, zort, narf-itty, zort, zort, zort, narf-itty...

(Brain)
Pinky, are you pondering what I am pondering?

(Pinky)
I think so, Brain, but... the chains spoil the taste.

(Brain)
You need a chain to keep your mind from wandering,
We haven't a moment to waste!

Behold!
This love of explorer for Indian maiden
Is looked on with horror by raiders and raidin'.
Her tribe will attack, to bring the girl back --
The whites won't see her just set free,
They'll reach for their musketry...

(Pinky, spoken)
Heh-heh... I always did like Cubby.

(Brain)
Mined, Pinky, coal, diamonds, sulfur,
A land mine will blow up their guns,
And without... their... hard... ware...
Outnumbered, hysterical, they'll flee America,
Leaving me to be enshrined --
I'll... rule... the New World with my mind!

(Pinky)
... Zort, zort, narf-itty, zort, zort, zort, narf-itty...

(Brain)
Pinky, it's working! The tribe has him trussed up for slaughter!
The moment for lighting our little device will be soon!

(Pinky)
Oh, bad luck, Brain! He's been saved by the Chief's lovely daughter!

(Brain)
No! This isn't fair!

(Pinky)
Look, Brain, over there!
It's a hummingbird, dog and raccoon!

(Brain)
Not fun, Pinky --
Quick, run, Pinky --
They... don't... know...

This is a cartoon!

(Pinky)
Not a moment too soon!

(Brain)
Well, I think... we're... safe... here...

(Pinky)
Let's swallow our sorrow --

(Brain)
Try once more tomorrow --

(Pinky)
Till one day we finally find --
Our fortunes unfurled!

(Brain)
The gauntlet is hurled!

(Both)
We'll conquer the world,
And we'll do it with my (your) mind... mind... mind!

VI.

... They're dinky, they're Pinky and The
Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain,
Brain!
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