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Political Noise

Words © 2004 by Tom Smith
Music: Varios
Here are a bunch of political parodies I've done in 2004. This is pretty much a hard data dump; I'll organize them better later, but they do all go together pretty well. Some are crasser than others.

CONDOLEEZZA
(music: "Mona Lisa")

Condoleezza, Condoleeza, men have named you,
With your national security advice,
Is it only 'cause you're always wrong they blamed you,
Did they trust you, and now have to pay the price?

Do you smile to tempt your Preznit, Condoleezza,
Or is this your way to hide that you've no heart?
Many facts have been brought to your doorstep,
They just lie there, you deny there,
Are you human or a lizard, Condoleezza?
Lemme tell ya, you're a real work of art.

Do you think that we've forgotten Condoleezza,
When they hand down the indictments, then you'll know,
And the way you shake your head while saying "yes" means
There's no denying that you're lying,
Will you turn State's Witness, Condoleezza,
Or will you all go together when you go?

-----------------

I.R.A.Q.
Words: Copyright 2004 by Tom Smith
Music: "Y.M.C.A." by The Village People


U.N., thanks for having me here,
I said, U.N., now just lend me an ear,
I said, U.N., I've got evidence clear-
ly accusing Saddam Hussein

These bums have much worse than a gun,
Like disease bombs, mustard gas by the ton,
Our axioms are, He'll use 'em for fun,
And We must... go... in... and... stop him...

It's fun invading that I-R-A-Q,
No use debating that I-R-A-Q,
He's a threat to the world, so we have to attack,
It's a good thing he can't fight back....

It's fun invading that I-R-A-Q,
Why are we waiting, get I-R-A-Q,
Hit 'em hard and fast, use a few million shells,
Then secure those oil wells....

U.N., yellowcake from Niger,
I said, U.N., conversations we hear
that said U.N. sanctions they do not fear
And they're friend... ly... with... al... Qaeda...

U.N., I am telling you this
So the U.N. will avoid getting dissed
By Dub-you, man, And he'll do it, he's pissed
Off the whole... damn... world... al... ready...

We are invading that I-R-A-Q,
Kinda Kuwait-ing that I-R-A-Q,
All my data is bull, all my motives obscure,
But compared to my bosses I'm pure...

We are invading that I-R-A-Q,
Quit hesitating, it's I-R-A-Q,
I'm destroying my rep, and you're asking me why,
Hey, remember how I hid My Lai....

Now it's been a year and a half,
And Wolfowitz is the joke of his staff,
Lib'rul pundits would just sit back and laugh
If they weren't... too... busy... crying.

Cheney, in his underground lair,
is insane, he says connections are there
'Tween Hussein-ee and al-Qaeda, nowhere
Can we find... a... shred... to... prove it...

But we invaded that I-R-A-Q,
We really raided that I-R-A-Q,
Bombed the country flat, wasted billions of bucks,
And impounded two stupid trucks.

I'm really jaded on I-R-A-Q,
We should have waited on I-R-A-Q,
But it's too late now, let's proceed with the plan,
On to North Korea and Iran....

(What's that, Chalabi? Wait on Iran? Oooookaaaay....)

---------------------
WILL THE LYING MORON
(thanks to Gordon on Atrios)

(chorus)
Will the Lying Moron
Lived in D.C.
And frolicked in the daily <i>Post</i>
In the Land of Punditry.

Little Ronnie Reagan
Taught that rascal Will
To look surprised at his own lies
And more Atwater swill!

(chorus x2)

To gather facts and trivia
That he could then misstate,
Our Will would say the damndest things
To help his candidate.

He thought he sounded folksy,
But came off elite and rude,
Remember when he blamed Clinton
For "moral turpitude"?

(chorus x2)

A Reagan lives forever,
But not so little lies,
Georgie was discredited
In everybody's eyes.

One gray night it happened,
Georgie's paper called no more,
And Will that Lying Moron...
Became a TV whore!

He got a gig on This Week,
Spent time on Meet The Press,
Every talk show in the land
Demanded him as guest.

And Dubya sure respects him,
Their bond is deep and true,
They both love baseball, are disgraceful,
And both hate me and you!

(chorus x2)

Words: Copyright 2004 by Tom Smith, after Lenny Lipton
Music: "Puff the Magic Dragon" by Peter Yarrow

----------------


THE TIT THAT ATE HALFTIME
(Music: Merry Minuet)


There's war in Afghanistan (whistling),
There's strife in Iraq,
The poor and the Bill of Rights
Are under attack.

The government's run by thugs
Enriching their friends,
There's no telling when the budget
Deficit ends,
But What's got America
All up in a snit?
At Super Bowl, Janet Jackson flashed a tit!

Soooo...
Dubya is tranquil and thankful and proud,
The crowd is so loud it drowned out Maureen Dowd,
When Justin adjusted her bust that fine day,
Somehow he ripped the top off... and everyone was blown away!

They're rioting in Washington (whistling),
Suing in Tennessee,
But most men would pay to watch
What every baby sees for free (twang)

----------------

SANTORUMOGRAPHY, or CORNYN SQUEEZIN'S

When I was young I used to wait
On master while he'd master himself,
Pass him the bottle of ol' K-Y,
And brush the lipstick off his fly.

(Chorus)

Ricky Santorum, I don't care,
Mister John Cornyn, I don't care,
Gimme my porn, and I don't care,
Hey, assholes, go away.

When he would rant on the Senate floor,
I'd follow him with a rented whore
Of cameras he was rather shy,
Being bitten by hypocri-sigh.

(Chorus)

One day he said, "They'll cause us harm,
Gays so numerous that they do swarm,"
One chanced to bite him on the thigh,
Now doggie style is all he'll try.

(Chorus)

Well, my other master said you should
Not marry turtles, that ain't good,
He said it out loud, and we wondered why,
The verdict was Wild Turkee Rye.

(Chorus)

Now Rick and John lie every day,
Afraid of marriage if it's gay,
This Senate beastiali-tye...
Wouldn't last ten minutes on "Queer Eye".

(chorus)

----------------

I FOUGHT THE TROLL
Words: (C) 2004 Tom Smith
Music: "I Fought The Law" (Sonny Curtis)
Recorded by the Bobby Fuller Four


Friday night and I'm gonna get sauced,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost.

He tried to boss me and was... out-bossed,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost.

Underneath his Freeper bridge,
Hoping goats will cross,
Quoting Ashcroft and Tom Ridge,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost.


He's even dumber than Mickey Kaus,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost.

Wouldn't last two minutes with David Frost,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost.

His worldview sounds like pro wrestling,
although not as nuanced,
Behind his eyes the wind's whistling,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost.


I kicked him offa Pandagon and... Atrios,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost.

He's permanently banned from Dai... ly Kos,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost.

And in November Double-Yuh
And all his thugs we'll toss,
We'll try to fix America,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost,
I fought the troll and the... troll lost.


(spoken)
And all you trolls out there, trying to aggravate everyone with your stupidity, illogic, and blind unthinking devotion to the Bush regime, this section is especially for you. I'm not going to name any of you out loud, not wanting to give you even the slightest possible noteriety, but as you sink under the weight of your own asininity into an intellectual La Brea Tar Pit, you can imagine that I sing your nom du guerre right now... and bask in a stolen fame you don't deserve.

----------------

ROVE TINT MY WORLD
From a phrase used by SteveNS on Atrios

It was great when it all began,
I was a Wolfowitz-Cheney fan,
But it was over when they had the plan
To take out Iraq's muscle man.
Now the only thing that gives me hope
Is people see the Preznit is a dope.
Rove tint my world, keep me
Safe from my troublin' brain....

This war's eighteen months old,
Truly hideous to behold,
And Rumsfeld should be told
If this was poker, he'd have to fold.
Now the only things I've come to trust
Air America, Kos, and A-a-tri-os,
Rove tint my world, keep me
Safe from my troublin' brain.

It's beyond me,
Help me, Condi,
I'll stay the course, you'll see,
Just take the press away-y-y-y,
What's this, let's see,
I feel --

Well, actually, I don't feel anything, really. Heh. Now watch this drive!


----------------


THE O'REILLY DANCE
Words: Tom Smith
From an idea by Steven Silver
Music: "Safety Dance"


I can spin if I want to,
I can leave your facts behind,
'Cause your facts don't spin and if they don't spin
Well, they're no facts o' mine.

I can yell if I want to,
My producer doesn't mind,
I can cut your mike and you can take a hike
And I'll shake my head and whine.

I can act like an asshole,
Threaten everyone I see,
And a million shnooks buy each of my books
'Cause they wanna be just like me.

I can sue who I want to,
If it's bad they make me look
But I didn't bank on frickin' Al Franken
Sticking me in his book.

I can spin, I can spin,
Everything's under control,
I can spin, I can spin,
Long since sold my soul,
I can spin, I can spin,
Everybody boycott France,
I can spin, I can spin,
Nothing left to logic or cha-a-a-ance.

The O'Reilly Dance -- SHUT UP!
The O'Reilly Dance -- SHUT UP!
The O'Reilly Dance -- SHUT UP!

I disguise all my lying
By declaring a No-Spin Zone,
But if my audience were not so damn dense
I'd be sittin' here all alone.

I tell you I'm a Factor
In the presidential race,
But if Stewart disproves it, I know we're gonna lose it,
And I'll fall on my face.

I can spin, I can spin,
Tell you who makes me sick,
Henry Quinn, Bill Clinton,
Gonna beat up Jeremy Glick,
I can spin, I can spin,
All the girls want in my pants,
I can spin, I can spin,
Nothing left to logic or cha-a-a-ance.

The O'Reilly Dance -- SHUT UP!
The O'Reilly Dance -- SHUT UP!
The O'Reilly Dance -- SHUT UP!

I can spin for my masters,
The Republicans in charge,
Sobbing like I'm caring, not a robber baron
Who enjoys his living large.

I can spin if I want to,
I can leave your facts behind,
'Cause your facts don't spin and if they don't spin
Well, they're no facts o' mine.

I can spin, I can spin,
On a blog, I'd be a troll,
Smarmy grin, double chin,
I'm fatuous but think I'm droll,
I can spin, I can spin,
Everyone believes my slants,
I can spin, I can spin,
Got falafel down my pa-a-a-ants!

The O'Reilly Dance -- SHUT UP!
The O'Reilly Dance -- SHUT UP!
The O'Reilly Dance -- SHUT UP!

CUT HIS MIKE!

---------------

FALAFEL BILL
(music: "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill" by The Beatles)

Hey, Falafel Bill
Who buys your swill,
Falafel Bill?

He went out pussy hunting with his falafel and phone,
In case of accidents he always called from home,
He's the all American blotchy-headed sex an' violence son,
All the children shriek:

Hey, Falafel Bill
Seed did you spill,
Falafel Bill?

Deep inside Fox News where the mighty pussy lies
(and lies, and lies, and lies....)
Bill and his elephants were taken by surprise,
So Captain Mackris zapped him right between the eyes,
All the children freak:

You bungled it, Bill,
Phoned the wrong frill,
Falafel Bill.

The judges asked him if harrassment was a sin,
But his eyes looked so glazed, and zoned, and both did spin,
He had the victim fired, and then said the victim's him,
What a hopeless geek:

Hey, Falafel Bill
You make us ill,
Falafel Bill.

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