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Psychic Voicemail Hotline

Words and Music: © 1996 by Tom Smith
This song is completely self-explanatory, except: I can't remember which comedian mentioned that Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends Network had gone bankrupt, and then asked, "Why didn't they see THAT one coming?" Dr. Demento selected this song for Basement Tapes 6, the bonus CD sent to all members of The Demento Society.

Thank you for calling the Psychic Voicemail Hotline,
The pre-recorded future just for you.
You can press Option One if this is the first time you've called us,
But that's not the case, so please press Option Two.

We're glad you called us back, for we were worried,
We warned you that the bridge was out that day.
It's a good thing those jet-skiers happened underneath just then;
Six weeks later, you've healed -- but we digress; anyway,
Let's get to why you called us...

Yes! She really loves you!
Yes! She wants your child!
Yes! Each time that you make love
Will be passionate and wild.
... No, she doesn't like pro wrestling,
She can't cook a meal,
Yes, she's got a jealous ex,
A psycho Navy Seal.

We really think that you should take the ring back
And say your goodbyes,
But we understand you're helpless when you
Look into her eyes,
We'll have the number of a lawyer waiting,
When she's finally gone,
But for now, we think it best
That you press Seven and move on....

Here's one of our celebrity endorsements,
A stand-up comic who's finally out of debt.
Ten years ago, we gave him good advice, and he ignored us;
Now endorsing us is the only work he can get.

Now press Option Eight to get your reading for this week --
Oh! Very cute. You've pressed the Zero instead.
Your faith in us was not enough, so now you want some proof.
Well, okay, bucko, in seven hours you'll be dead.
May we give you the details...?

First, you'll slam the phone down,
Laughing nervously,
Then you'll turn too fast and trip
On the cord to your TV.
You'll smash face-first through the window,
You'll dangle by one leg,
And when passing kids start throwing rocks
Is when you'll start to beg.

At last, your ankle will slip free, and like
The Skylab, you will drop,
But don't worry -- when you hit the roof of the
Bus, you'll prob'ly stop.
The emergency room will lose your papers,
You'll die in pain and alone...
And the only way to avoid this fate
is stay here on the phone!

Do we... understand each other?

Thank you for calling the Psychic Voicemail Hotline,
Ten ninety-nine a minute, just for you.
Oh, by the way, your checking account is overdrawn again,
But that charge card you applied for just came through.
Would you like the number?

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