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Seven Drunken Nights In Space

Words: © 1992 by Tom Smith
Music: "Seven Drunken Nights" (Irish trad.)
The same theme as the original, but all new jokes. The grizzlier and Irish-er you can make your voice for this, the better.

I came home on a Monday night, as drunk as drunk can be,
And I saw a shiny spacer-bike where my old bike should be,
So I says to my wife, I says to her, "Would yez kindly tell to me
Whose spacer-bike is that right there where my old bike should be?"

"Ahh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool, still you cannot see,
That's an exercycle that Vic Tanny sold to me."
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a million miles or more,
But an exercycle with missile racks I've never seen before.

I came home on a Tuesday night, as drunk as drunk can be,
And I saw an empty pressure suit, size eighty-seven-D,
So I says to my wife, I says to her, "Would yez kindly tell to me
Whose pressure suit is that right there, what's big as the average tree?"

"Ahh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool, still you cannot see,
That's a twin-size water bed bought from the Gallery."
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a million miles or more,
But a water bed with a codpiece on I've never seen before.

I came home on a Wednesday night, as drunk as drunk can be,
And I saw a charged-up laser gun where my old gun should be,
So I says to my wife, I says to her, "Would yez kindly tell to me
Whose laser gun is that right there where my old gun should be?"

"Ahh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool, still you cannot see,
That's a spark-plug timing light that K-Mart sold to me."
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a million miles or more,
But a timer that melts the engine block I've never seen before.

I came home on a Thursday night, as drunk as drunk can be,
And I saw some Saurian Brandy, vintage Twenty-Ninety-Three,
So I says to my wife, I says to her, "Would yez kindly tell to me
Where'd you get that hooch for which you'd have to mortgage me?
(You didn't, did you?)"

"Ahh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool, still you cannot see,
That's a sample of perfume that Avon sold to me."
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a million miles or more,
But perfume that de-hairs the cat I've never seen before.

I came home on a Friday night, as drunk as drunk can be,
And I saw some foil BVDs with leg holes numbering three,
So I says to my wife, I says to her, "Would yez kindly tell to me
Whose underwear is that right there? It don't belong to me."

"Ahh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool, still you cannot see,
That's a liquid crystal screen for my IBM PC."
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a million miles or more,
But a PC supporting an athlete I've never seen before.
(Obviously running a laptop.)

I came home on a Saturday night, as drunk as drunk can be,
And I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be,
So I says to my wife, I says to her, "Would yez kindly tell to me
Who's that there head upon the bed where my old head should be?"

"Ahh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool, still you cannot see,
That's a lovely hologram to keep me company."
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a million miles or more,
But a holo with panties caught in its teeth I've never seen before.

I came home on a Sunday night, as drunk as drunk can be,
And I saw a nine-foot humanoid a-looming over me,
So I says to my wife, I says to her, "Who the fuck is THAT!?"

"Ahh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool, but now I think you'll see,
That's a Klingon-Borg half-breed what's fell in love with me."
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a million miles or more,
But the Doppler Effect while I was on foot I've never seen before.

So now I sit in a spacer bar, as drunk as drunk can be,
And grateful all my skin and bones are still attached to me.
Well, it's many a day I've traveled a million miles or more,
But if I ever look at a woman again -- Wait. Who's that babe by the door?

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