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Ski Eating Tree

Words and Music: © 1998 by Tom Smith
Within one week in early 1998, Michael Kennedy (one of the least -- er, last of the Kennedy clan) and U.S. Representative Sonny Bono (who was also known for a hit song or two way back when) both died by skiing into trees. That's just nuts -- so nuts that conspiracy wonks all over the Net were trying to connect the two deaths. I found one. The "George" reference at the end is to the magazine run by the late JFK Jr., whom I honestly didn't expect to take himself out so soon, or so dramatically.

(Flanders & Swann-ish waltz)
Wasn't it awful how young Michael Kennedy
Recently passed away?
Hit a tree, chasing pig guts, sliding downhill on boards --
Something all of us do every day.

While I won't be so crass as to hint that his family
Can't find a dull way to die,
You've got to admit that this wasn't the end
For a regular kind of guy.

Then, wonder of wonders, just a week later,
With barely a moment to grieve,
Poor Congressman Bono -- have you ever used a phrase
You just can't bring yourself to believe?

The Father of Chastity landed Sonny-side up,
In the same way as Michael had done,
And in death, as in life, on the lid of his casket,
By the shovelful, The Peat Goes On.

Was it their recklessness that did them in?
Were they tired? Had they too much to drink?
Or could it be there's a subtler connection,
Of which we were not supposed to think...?

(garage-band 4/4)
Good ol' blockhead, Charlie Brown,
Can't pitch a strike, can't pass a down,
Had a monster living on his hill,
With patience and an iron will.

It used to eat up all his kites,
Sticks and string in hungry bites,
But now it wants more challenging snacks,
Blood and boards and poles and wax....

Ski-
Eating tree,
Don't come after me,
Ski-eating tree.

We don't know what made it so,
Perhaps it came from a U.F.O.,
It might be the Yggdrasil's toe,
Or a child of Pinocchio.

The Swamp Thing on a killing spree?
The guys who threw apples at Dorothy?
Wood from the Cross of Galilee?
Maybe even Audrey Three!?

Ski-
Eating tree,
Don't come after me,
Ski-eating tree.

It's not afraid of getting wet
(Ski-eating tree going over sea)
Now it's on the Internet
(Ski-eating tree H-T-T-P)
Now it's got on underwear
(Ski-eating tree in a BVD)
Oh my God, it's a Commie scare
(Ski-eating tree with the KGB)

It was bad enough when all alone,
But now the thing has learned to clone,
It's branching out, it's laying roots,
'Cause after all, a killer... shoots.

So watch out for a ring of trees,
The blood inside your veins will freeze,
Their hungry branches wait to seize --
Fear us, humans! WATCH THE SKIS!

Ski-
Eating tree,
Don't come after me,
Ski-eating tree.

("George of the Jungle" theme)
George, George, Mike's older brother,
Watch-out-for-that-tree!

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