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Smash the Frickin' Fairies

Words and Music © 2007 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike license
Because.

Because, in all those deeply moving and beautiful songs with the soft vocals in the original Welsh and the quiet piano or guitar and the synthesizer pads that go on forever and the environmental sound effects so cunningly mixed you'd swear Bambi's gonna come up and lick your hand and the shaker played by an old man from the highlands who can't see anymore and drinks like a sponge and swears like Carlin with his foot in a blender but by Jayzus he's been shakin' a shaker in Celtic jams since before the Great War... there are fairies.

Oh, they may not mention them. But they're there. Celtic magic, don't ye know. And the fairies are always beautiful, and powerful, and dangerous, and capricious, and whimsical, and wondrous. And elfin. An' stuff.

That's why.

There's a fairy grove in my back yard,
I found it just last night.
And the fairies come to have some fun
In the silvery moonlight
They're lovelier than anything
That you have ever seen
And when you smash them with a brick
Their blood's all thick and green.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Bash 'em in the head.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Giggly sparkly fairies,
Dumbass tiny fairies,
Make them suckers dead.

Stupid little fairies
Come to dance and sing,
Hang 'em from my nipples,
Now they're fairy bling.
Tiny little wingspan,
See how cute they are,
Press 'em in a phone book,
Tape 'em to my car.

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tacky goofy fairies,
Cutesy Wootsy fairies,
I don't wanna stop.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Tinkly stinkly fairies,
Poopy stoopy fairies,
Squeeze 'em till they pop.

Who cares about their ancient magic,
Who cares about their hidden lore,
I just like the way they go stiff then go limp
When you catch their heads in a door.

Who cares about their timeless beauty
Who cares if their existence is a shock
I took pictures of them posed with my Dominatrix Barbie
And my eBay shop can't keep 'em in stock

Some people see the fairies and
Their hearts and souls are moved,
I tie them to bowling pins,
My average has improved.
Fishing isn't boring since I
Use them now for bait,
They're also good as shredded cheese,
Their life is really grate.

The fairies joined together
Came to each other's aid
Too bad I had a shotgun
And a big ol' can of Raid
So now they're really frightened,
They're sad and mad and vexed,
And when I take the fairies down
The Hobbits all are next!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Dainty pretty fairies,
Gaudy bawdy fairies,
Crush them under trains.
Anvil at the ready,
Drop it on their head-ee,
Bring in some undead-ee,
ZOMBIE FAIRY BRAINS!

Smash the frickin' fairies,
Stupid cutesy fairies,
Icky nasty fairies,
Bust their little heads.
Smash the frickin' fairies,
Fill their cemetaries,
Then I woke up, Doctor,
Can you please adjust my meds?

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