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Smurfin' Safari

Words: © 1986 by Tom Smith
Music: Various Beach Boys songs identified along the way
Without question, this was my first big hit. The idea was really simple: In the mid-1980s, a European cartoonist named Peyo created a tribe of tiny blue elves called Smurfs. They were their decade's version of Barney, Elmo, or Pokémon, and I do not say this to praise them. They were cloying and obnoxious, and "Smurf" was their major adverb ("Oh, what a Smurfy day!"), and they were exactly the right size to smash with a shovel, and the marketers got ahold of them and they were freakin' ubiquitous. Toys, bedsheets, shampoo, fruit roll-ups, you know the drill. One day, I got the idea of a parody of Surfin' Safari, inspired by the phrase: "Let's go Smurfin' now, hit the woods and burn 'em out, come on a safari with me...." I actually wrote that entire song, debuting it at the one and only CinClave (April 1986 in Cincinnati, OH), but Murray Porath suggested I make it a medley. Really great idea. (He also suggested "Gar-Gar-Gar, Gar-Gargamel".) The revised version was one of the many songs blowing out the walls in The Great Lobby Filk of MarCon '86 the following month, and I had the final version by OVFF in October. Two last points: The "Brian Wilson" bit was put in the bridge of "Fun, Fun, Fun" because I think it's funny and it fits and it keeps me from having to play a guitar solo. And, yes, the "Little Deuce Coupe" thing is there solely because of the godawful shaggy dog pun. Why else?

(Music: "Surfin' USA" [Berry])

If everybody had a T.V.
Turned on on Saturday,
They'd see some little blue bimbos
Who love to sing and play,
They'd see an old one named Papa,
And a girl one too,
She's got a bushy blonde hairdo,
Smurfin' USA.

They got a couple of movies,*
Thirty million toys,
Smurfy Douche for Sister,
Underoos for boys,
They're overcoming our culture,
They'll never go away,
Everybody's gone Smurfin',
Smurfin' USA.

* If you are fortunate enough to have a backup singer or two,
as I was on
Debasement Tapes, they can sing:

Inside, outside, USA,
On TV six times a day,
"Smurf"'s the only word they say,
Noun or verb, it works okay,
Screw the ASPCA,
Make them go away...

(Music: "LIttle Deuce Coupe" [Wilson/Christian])

Now, I'm a geologist, I study the land,
But I'm kinda clumsy holding rocks in my hand.
But I met a little lady, only two inches tall,
And she carries all my samples that happen to fall.
She's my Little Blue Scoop,
Picks up all of my rocks.

(Music: "Surfer Girl" [Wilson])

Little girl, all solid blue,
Five foot four less five foot two,
Do you love me, do you, Smurfer Girl?

Nine and ninety little guys
Slobber when you bat your eyes,
You're a shameless hussy, Smurfer Girl.

In the vast Enchanted Forest,
Girls are hard to find,
And if none of them have noticed,
They must all be blind.

Of the Smurfs I've seen in there,
Only two have body hair...
Do you love your Papa, Smurfer Girl?

(Music: "Surfin' Safari" [Berry])

Don't ever go alone in the Enchanted Woods,
'Cause you're guaranteed to meet your end.
There's something living there that is just no good,
And it's got an awful lot of friends.

There's a cranky little geezer with magic powers,
And he's colored all solid blue.
There's only one way to keep yourself from pushing up flowers:
Get him before he gets you.

So come on, grab a shotgun and DDT,
I'm gonna take you Smurfin' with me,
It doesn't matter if they hide behind a rock or tree,
'Cause they don't blend in with the scenery.
Let's go Smurfin', now, hit the woods and burn 'em out,
Come on a safari with me,
Come on a safari with....

(Music: "Barbara Ann" [Fassert])

Gar-Gar-Gar, Gar-Gargamel.
Gar-Gar-Gar, Gar-Gargamel.

Oh, Gargamel,
God, your breath does smell,
Oh, Gargamel,
You gotta get yourself clean, so grab some Listerine
And gargle well, well, well.

(Music: "Fun, Fun, Fun" [Wilson/Love])

Well, we snuck into the Magic Woods, we were in disguise, now,
We surrounded the village and took 'em all by surprise, now,
And when the napalm hit, they were all little blue French fries, now,
And we had fun, fun, fun, blowin' all the little Smurfers away.

Yeah, Vanity, Brainy, and Smurfette are all pretty dead, now,
Grandpa and the little blue twins are all pretty red, now,
And Papa took a thousand rounds or so right in the head, now,
And we had fun, fun, fun, blowin' all the little Smurfers away.

(bridge: chorus from "Brian Wilson" [Page])

And now I'm... lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did,
Lying in bed, just like Brian Wilson did.

Well, we took out the Gummi Bears, Chipmunks, and all of the rest, now,
We cleaned up our Saturday mornings, watchin' only the best, now,
We watch Beany & Cecil, Bullwinkle, and Jonny Quest, now,
And we have fun, fun, fun, blowin' all the little Smurfers away.
Yeah, we have fun, fun, fun, blowin' all the little Smurfers away.
Yeah, we have fun, fun, fun, blowin' all the little Smurfers away.

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