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Something Positive

Words and Music: © 2007 by Tom Smith
When Randy Milholland, creator of the fantastic online comic Something Positive, was scheduled to be GOH at PenguiCon 2007, a member of the con-com commissioned this song as a surprise gift for him. Besides getting a cool song out of it, I've got a friendship with Randy. I like this life.

Everywhere you go, from Bedford up to Boston town,
You can't imagine all the action that's goin' down,
And everything is an example of the mess we're in --
It's like you lost the game of life before the game begins.

But every moment can be precious in the Gollum sense,
And this is not the time to play both sides of the fence.
There must be something out there that you can improve --
When life gives you lemons, make stain remover.

I don't know what my life's about
(Not sure about anything anymore)
Just trying to keep the jerkwads out
(I'm wondering who is keeping score)
But I won't go down without a fight
(I'll find my reason to live)
You can't have darkness without light
(I always look for something positive)

No matter who bizarre the situation tries to get,
You've gotta tell yourself the saga isn't over yet.
Like when your boneless cat, who hasn't got any hair,
Goes down a drain and comes back with someone's underwear.

Or when your friend tries to tell herself she's lesbian,
But every morning she's been with three more men.
Or when your girl thinks that foreplay uses chloroform,
Or when you set your boss on fire 'cause you can't keep warm.

I don't know what I'm trying to do
(Eight hours a day at an empty desk)
There's so much bull that I've been through
(The Pretty People think I'm grotesque)
But I won't let it rot my brain
(I know that something's got to give)
You can't have pleasure without pain,
(I always look for something positive)

You like pretending that you're so mature,
But Real Life stuff happens that you can't ignore.
Your best one-liners and a snarky tone
Can't prepare you for having kids of your own.
There ain't a horror movie traumatizing
As your parents gettin' old in front of your eyes.
And you can let the cruel universe have its way
Or you can kick it in the crotch and say, "Not today!"

So if your gaming buddies feed you to a rabid troll,
Keep the toilet paper with you 'cause you're on a roll.
When you're sodomized by the Redneck Trees,
Be grateful you can't get Dutch Elm disease.

If your community theater turns into a Pier Six brawl,
Say it's a production of Fight Club Meets Rollerball.
When a koala tries to touch you in that special way,
Tell your friends you're researching Furry anime.

If all the women in your life do vaginamancy,
Keep 'em happy with Nerdrotica, nothing fancy.
If your sweetie is talking to your crazy ex,
Just remember good friends are better than sex.

If your true love marries another guy,
Wish 'em well, keep your chin up and don't ask why.
If you feel like you're at the end of your rope,
You are.

I don't know what my life's about
(Not sure about anything anymore)
I'm trying to keep the assholes out
(I don't give a shit who's keeping score)
But I won't go down without a fight
(Right there's my reason to live)
You can't have darkness without light
(I always look for something positive)....

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