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Spam Spam Spam

Words and Music: © 1996 by Tom Smith
I actually wrote this (and you can find it in its original four-part arrangement) for a Mystery Usenet Theater piece, ripping apart a really stupid advertisement. Y'know, you'd think that if everybody is so damn sick of bulk e-mail, they'd actually do something about it.

Hey there, all you UseNet junkies,
Check out de newsgroups that you haunt.
I think you're all brainless monkeys,
But you got something that I want.

I got-a something no one uses,
I got-a something no one need,
I got-a sex line no one chooses,
I got-a hot line to your greed.

Spam, spam, spam,
Oh yeah, I got --
Spam, spam, spam,
If you want to muster all de troops,
Post it in a couple thousand groups.

Oh yeah, we got --
Spam, spam, spam,
In de morning --
Spam, spam, spam,
All de day --
Give my Web Page a peek,
De frames load in about a week.

I got ways to improve your love life,
Thirty days, increase your word power.
Man, it pays to ignore and shove life,
Get on-line for another hour.

I got-a low-key pyramid land scheme,
I got-a gal in Kalamazoo,
I got-a hokey New Age daydream,
And it makes Julienne fries, too.

Spam, spam, spam,
Oh yeah, we got --
Spam, spam, spam,
Here's my mailing 'bot, come on and sub,
You'll be in The 2600 Club.

Oh yeah, we got --
Spam, spam, spam,
Sing along, now --
Spam, spam, spam,
We'll spread your numbers far and wide,
Use dem decades after you've died.

All of the digits of your credit card are
Secure on my hard drive in Flint,
With every transaction you've made in the past ninety days!
Somewhere out there on the Web is our charter
With six gigabytes of fine print,
All you have to do is negotiate our cyber-maze!

I got a million good ideas,
Send me a buck, I'll tell you three,
Learn to grow sweet corn in your Chias,
This good advice, you can't get free.

I got-a number, go on, call it,
I got-a lot of stuff to sell,
I got-a hand right on your wallet,
I got-account on A.O.L.

Spam, spam, spam,
Oh yeah, we got --
Spam, spam, spam,
They name it after de meat so pink,
But you don' gotta wait for it to stink.

Oh yeah, we got --
Spam, spam, spam,
Everybody --
Spam, spam, spam,
If you hack so much you got no life,
You can buy a e-mail-order wife.

Spam, spam, spam,
Sing along, mon --
Spam, spam, spam,
You can get rich quick, it won't be hard,
If you got a major credit card.

Spam, spam, spam,
In de morning --
Spam, spam, spam,
All de day --
Just hop on my gravy train,
Put your credit in de public domain.

Get on-line, shut off your brain,
Put your credit in de public do-ma-ai-in!

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All original content © by Tom Smith