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Star Wars No. 5

Words and Music: © 1999 by Tom Smith
Music: "Mambo No. 5" by Lou Bega
It's not that I don't like Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace, or Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5". I do like them. But so much hype! Good Lord, when the Huge Letters In Space gave us the set-up for SWE1:TPM, and it was a trade embargo, I distinctly remember saying something like, "O-kayyy...." And Best Buy had their obnoxious prerecorded DJ referring to the "latest" from Lou Bega. LATEST!? Nobody had HEARD of this guy before VH-1 started playing his video every forty-five minutes (and Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca", and Lenny Kravitz's cover of "American Woman", all of which I believe are actually the exact same song... but I digress). Anyway. I don't believe The Phantom Menace is a bad movie, but it could've been a lot better, and, since they've already announced Jar Jar is going to be back for the second film, we'd all just better get used to the idea, and pray that he sacrifices himself to save Anakin, which cranks off the kid so bad he goes Darth. (And Hayden Christiansen gives me the screaming yawns. I really think they should've cast DiCaprio. Leo could've pulled off the perfect mix of sweetness, romance, and hidden evil.)

Four, five, six, one, two,
What the heck is LucasFilms trying to do?
To the moviegoers lined up round the corner,
The boys want Qui-Gon, Jar Jar and Obi-Wan,
I got a queasy feeling way down deep,
Everybody says it's great but talk is cheap.

I like Yoda and Leia and Luke and Han,
But in "The Phantom Menace" the magic is gone,
So what can I do but beg and plead,
George Lucas, you know what we really need,
Trade wars and pod racing are out,
Here's what it's all about:

A little bit of Obi-Wan, Jedi Knight,
A little bit of Qui-Gon, Being of Light,
A little bit of Padme, empress babe,
A little bit of Anakin, slave escaped,
A little bit of Palpatine, sneak attack,
A little bit of Darth Maul, cloned -- he's back,
A little bit of Jar Jar, eaten by ants,
A little something new makes us your fans.

Star Wars Number Five!

No politics, no elaborate plots,
Just grab your pencils and connect the dots,
Take some good guys here and some bad guys there,
Stick 'em all in the middle and we won't care,
Don't give us the backstory, thick and obscure,
George, buddy, here's the cure:

A little bit of action and romance,
A little bit of flying by the seat of your pants,
A little bitty sidekick, kinda cute,
A little bit of space, no pressure suit,
A little bit of lightsaber duels, of course,
A little bit of Yoda, feel the Force,
A little bit of heart, you know you can,
A little something new makes me your fan.

Star Wars Number Five!

A little bit of Obi-Wan, graying hair,
A little bit of Qui-Gon, not all there,
A little bit of Amidala's regency,
A little bit of Anakin's puberty,
A little bit of Sidious, Palpatine,
A little bit of Darth Maul, get more lines,
A little bit of Jar Jar, braised in wine,
A little bit of COMMON SENSE next time.

I'll do all to
Fall in love with Episode Two,
You can't run and you can't hide,
Anakin's kids gonna walk the sky.

Star Wars Number Five!

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