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What If?

MAXICRON
When I was a kid, they would fly overhead,
Doing things that weren't possible, that's what folks said,
Deflecting bullets, punching out trains,
Lifting stuff using just the power of their brains,
Every time that I'd see them,
I wanted to be them,
And I dreamed each night about all the things I'd do.

What... if...
I were a superhero with a cape and a mask,
Give me some kinda powers and give me a task,
Give me one little chance and that's all that I ask
And I promise I'd stand tall,
I'd be the greatest superhero of them all!

AMAZING GRACIE
When I was a kid, I watched 'em all on the news.

FENDERBENDER
And I swore that I'd be one, if they let me choose.

COMPTROLL
If I didn't have powers, I'd strengthen my mind.

DOCTOR ZEN
I'd look within myself, and see what I'd find.

COMPTROLL, FENDERBENDER, DOCTOR ZEN
Every time that I'd see them,
I wanted to be them,

FENDERBENDER
And I trained each night for all the things I'd do.

What... if...

I were a superhero, I'll give villains a fright.

COMPTROLL
With my cave and my gadgets and my signal light.

DOCTOR ZEN
Give me one little chance, and I'd fight for what's right.

MAXICRON, AMAZING GRACIE
And I'd never let you down.

FENDERBENDER
I'd be the greatest superhero in this town!

MAXICRON, AMAZING GRACIE, FENDERBENDER
Some people say that we're psychotic,
Breaking laws that we claim to uphold.
But really, the costume's symbolic,
And all that we're breaking's the mold.

The bad guys like gaming the system,
With legal details they dance.
Our first job is justice, we don't ask that you trust us,
Just give us that one little chance.

GEORGE (THE WAFFLE)
When I was a kid, I would see people try
Just to work till they drop and not stop till they die.
And I promised to make the world better someday,
I swore I'd restore the American Way,
Every time that I'd see them,
I promised I'd free them,
And I think of them with everything I do,

And now, I... hey!

MAXICRON, AMAZING GRACIE, FENDERBENDER, COMPTROLL, DOCTOR ZEN
I Am a superhero, every one of us saw
There's so much more to do than upholding the law,
Give yourself just one chance, and you'll leave us in awe
'Cause we know that you'll stand tall,
Inside every one of us is the greatest
Su... per... hero of them all!


Mad Scientists United (Awful Bloody)

MAD SCIENTISTS
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOOLS!

... mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOOLS!

... mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Switch, switch, Igor, throw the switch!

... mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
Mutter mutter mutter mutter
BLIND FOOLS, BLIND FOO-

DR. MALLEVO
Silence!

This emergency assembly of Mad Scientists United
Is hereby called to order, or as close as we can get.
The first, last, and only item on today's agenda
Is, HOW COME WE HAVEN'T KILLED THE BLOODY SUPERHEROES YET!?

MAD SCIENTISTS
Well, it isn't very easy, given that they're superheroes,
They're invulnerable or armored or they're awful bloody fast,
And they're awful bloody smart.

PROFESSOR CARSTAIRS
Or they're awful bloody lucky,

DR. MALLEVO
How 'bout awful bloody dead! Is that so very much to ask?

MAD SCIENTISTS
Well, we don't work together very well.
We don't call each other on the phone,
Inspiration takes hold, and, if the truth be told,
We each want to get the glory on our own!

I've been working on a deathtrap that'll shred them in their skivvies,
I've built a giant laser that'll fry 'em where they stand,
I'll construct a transmutation gun to turn them into privies,
I've got a hundred-foot-long hero-smashing robot hand.

I've got a mind control device so strong Dick Cheney curtsied,
I've got a giant vacuum that'll suck away their breath,
I've got some earthquake pills that I can hide inside some birdseed,
I've got some exposition that'll bore them all to death.

We've got awful bloody plans for an awful bloody conquest
And awful bloody visions of an awful bloody fate
On so much we are divided, but in this we are united
It's those awful bloody heroes that we hate!

DR. MALLEVO
But HOW COME WE HAVEN'T BLOODY KILLED THEM YET!?

SIR WILFRED
Just wait.


The Sinister Cavortings of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III

DR. MALLEVO
And who are you, sir?

PROF. CARSTAIRS
How did you get into our secret lair?

SIR WILFRED
Oh, I've been a member in good standing for seventeen years now.

MAD SCIENTIST
I don't recall seeing you here before.

SIR WILFRED
Naturally not. I've made a point of keeping low to the ground
until it suited me otherwise... eh, which it does now.

I'm Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third,

MAD SCIENTISTS
Who's that? Not a clue. Huffelwhat?

SIR WILFRED
There's a reason that of me you never have heard,
I'm subtle, whereas you are not.

DR. MALLEVO
Now wait just a moment, you fat ball of grime,
Everyone here works hidden, unseen,
Advancing the causes of science and crime --

SIR WILFRED
Advancing your egos, you mean!

You're much too bombastic, you cackle, you gloat,
To show off, you'll go any length,
And you're caught. By inferiors. Grabbed by the throat...
Whereas I... I have built up my strength.

MAD SCIENTISTS
This is preposterous! Did you not hear of my army of mutant wombats with opposable thumbs?
Or my scheme to replace every banana in the tropics with plantains?

PROF. CARSTAIRS
Or my ultrasonic carrier wave that could disintegrate the world's undergarments?

SIR WILFRED
Ah, yes. How did the press refer to you? Captain Commando.

You simply don't get it. You don't understand
Concepts too simple for your huge brains.
With each loss I've suffered, or victory I've planned,
No evidence of me remains.

The heroes don't know of me, nor the police,
No record exists of my name.
And so now, for years, they have left me in peace,
To plan out the ultimate game.

Behold!

MAD SCIENTISTS
Good god!
A mechanical army!
I've never seen androids so sophisticated!

PROF. CARSTAIRS
Well, there was that Catherine Zeta-Jones model....

MAD SCIENTIST
There must be fifty of them!

DR. MALLEVO
Sixty.

SIR WILFRED
Five dozen robots, each keyed to a hero,
Inexorable in their pursuit.
And when they should touch, let's just say... ground zero
At Hiroshima will seem rather cute.

Each poor hero's private dimensional vortex
Will fling him to some nether realm,
While conveniently scrambling his cerebral cortex...
Leaving us to assume the world's helm.

MAD SCIENTIST
It's Brilliant!

DR. MALLEVO
Visionary!

MAD SCIENTIST
We must announce it at once!

PROF. CARSTAIRS
Deliver an ultimatum!

SIR WILFRED
No, you fools! Haven't you heard a word I've said?

The key to success is in keeping it quiet
Until we are ready to strike.
Our plans will collapse into ruin and riot
If one of you gets on a mic.

We lure all our targets with slick verbal pablum,
To someplace benign, without care,
Then catch them, entrap them, and finally zap them,
And without the heroes, their armies will fall,
You can unleash each gimmick and minion and thrall,
By dawn the next day we'll have conquered it all.

MAD SCIENTISTS
At last we'll be rid of those meddlesome good guys,
The playing field finally fair.
They'll vanish so fast, there'll be no time for goodbyes,
And the world will be mine!
No, mine!
No, mine!
No, mine!

DR. MALLEVO
No, mine!

SIR WILFRED
Ahem. MINE!
But I'll share.

[mad laughter, with one punctuating controlled chuckle]


Warning: Wimbledon!

MAXICRON
Good morning, Hero Leaguers!

FENDERBENDER
Morning, Maxicron!

DARK SUN
Max.

AMAZING GRACIE
Hey, punkin'.

MAXICRON
Amazing Gracie, ixnay on the unkin-pay.

FENDERBENDER
Aah, come off it, big guy, Everyone knows.

MAXICRON
They DO!?

AMAZING GRACIE
Uh-huh.

DARK SUN
Remember last month when you had your memories drained by the Identity Thief? Well, he made MPGs.

MAXICRON
-- WHAT!?

COMPTROLL
Affirmative.

FENDERBENDER
They're all up at www.maxidoesgraciehubbahubba.com.

[assorted jibes]

MAXICRON
Fine. Fine. Any new business?

AMAZING GRACIE
Just one thing -- a letter. From... Wimbledon?

DARK SUN
What's it say?

AMAZING GRACIE
The Hero League has been invited
To travel overseas and play
In a charity event for the Duke of Kent
A tournament of croquet.
And they'll even pay our way.

HEROES
Cool!

[whoosh]

MAD SCIENTISTS (IN DISGUISE)
We'd like to welcome you to Wimbledon,
The proper sporting place for gentlemen
You are all pure of heart, thanks for taking part...
In our tournament of croquet.

FENDERBENDER
'Scuse me -- I don't know how to play.

MAD SCIENTISTS (IN DISGUISE)
Gasp!

SIR WILFRED (IN DISGUISE)
Now, now -- Let us explain the rules to our former colonists.

Our side's red and yellow, you'll be black and blue,
Take the club -- stout fellow! and we'll start with you.

DR. MALLEVO (IN DISGUISE)
Now you aim for the hoop -- [clack] -- play it where it lies --

SIR WILFRED (IN DISGUISE)
Good show!

DR. MALLEVO (IN DISGUISE)
And now it's our turn... so everybody dies!


The Sinister Sixty Strike!

FENDERBENDER
What th-

AMAZING GRACIE
Robots!

DOCTOR ZEN
There must be fifty of them!

COMPTROLL
Omniscan confirms sixty!

MAXICRON
Hero League -- to the fray!

FENDERBENDER
That battle cry is so gay!

DOCTOR ZEN
Now, let's not offend --

MAXICRON
Don't look now, my friend, but they're trying to blow us away! Blue Streak! MacroMan! AirRaid! Watch it!

FENDERBENDER
Macro! Watch out --

MACROMAN
Wh- AAAAH!

[MACROMAN is hit by one of the robots and vanishes]

AMAZING GRACIE
Macroman! He's gone! Max, he's gone!

MAXICRON
Macro... later! Stay frosty, Leaguers! Don't let 'em touch you!

DOCTOR ZEN
Amazing Gracie! To your left!

AMAZING GRACIE
Doctor Zen!

DOCTOR ZEN [discorporates, recorporates]
That was close!

DARK SUN
Fenderbender! incoming! three o'clock!

FENDERBENDER
Whoa! Thanks, Dark Sun!

DARK SUN
No prob- [zapped, gone]

FENDERBENDER
Dark Sun! Crap!

DOCTOR ZEN
Maxicron! Something is fouling up my mystic senses!

AMAZING GRACIE
It's those electrodes! That's what's doing it!

MAXICRON
Shield Maiden! Envelop as many of those as you can!

SHIELD MAIDEN
As you say, Maxicron! HI-YO-TO-HO! HI-YO-TO-HO! HI-YO-TO-H- [zapped, gone]

MAXICRON
Dammit, we're getting taken apart here -- WHA!

AMAZING GRACIE
Oh no you don't!

MAXICRON
Thanks, Gracie!

AMAZING GRACIE
Thank me later!

FENDERBENDER
Ha! I have more trouble opening a bag of chips -- AHN -- [zapped, gone]

AMAZING GRACIE
Fenderbender! AAH!

MAXICRON
Get -- AWAY -- from her!

AMAZING GRACIE
Thanks, Max!

FAFNYR
Stupid robots make Fafnyr's friends go 'way! Fafnyr ticked! [starts to transform into a dragon] AND THE TICKED-ER FAFNYR GETS -- ARRH! [zapped, gone]

AIRRAID
Maxicron, a little help? We're gettin' overwhelmed here!

MAXICRON
Multiplex! Six-A Defensive!

MULTIPLEX [splitting himself off into six]
Got it, boss!

[a robot grabs one of him, and they are all zapped, gone]

MAXICRON
Comptroll! Logic beam, stat!

COMPTROLL
On it! Logic beam engaged in three... two... warning! warning! Circuits disrupted -- [zapped, gone]

DOCTOR ZEN
Mystic forces guide my hand! Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! -- AAH -- [zapped, gone]

AMAZING GRACIE
Max, it's just us! We're all that's left!

MAXICRON
Then let's make 'em earn it, kitten.

AMAZING GRACIE
Oh yeah.

Maxicron! Behind you!

[they fight valiantly, but are quickly overwhelmed]

MAXICRON
Gracie!

AMAZING GRACIE
Max!

[zapped, gone]

SIR WILFRED
Dr. Mallevo.

DR. MALLEVO
Yes, Sir Wilfred?

SIR WILFRED
I believe Professor Carstairs mentioned something about... an ultimatum?

[both chuckle menacingly]


Enter The Waffle

NEWSCASTER
Our top story: All sixty members of the famed Hero League have vanished, apparently into a trap sprung by their enemies. Police say the League was lured to Wimbledon by a fake charity event. Details are sketchy. Wimbledon officials were unavailable for comment....

ROBBER #1
Ladies and gents of First National Bank,
Since all of the heroes are gone, we
will pause here a moment to graciously thank
You all in advance for your money.

All right, in the bag! C'mon!

ROBBER #2 [menacing guard]
I wouldn't touch that alarm if I were you...

WAFFLE (GEORGE)
Well, you're not me, so what are you going to do?

ROBBERS
Whoa!
What the...?

WAFFLE
There's still one hero left in this town,
Now put your hands up and put the guns down.

ROBBER #2
Wh- which first?

ROBBER #1
Shoot him, moron!

ROBBER #2
But he said --

ROBBER #1
Forget that!
Where'd he go?

WAFFLE
Over here!
Thought we'd have a nice chat.

ROBBER #2
I ain't talkin' to you!

WAFFLE
If you put down the gun,
Then I promise I won't make you
Eat it for fun.

ROBBER #1
Heck with this!

ROBBER #2
Run!

WAFFLE
Time for the Syrup Gun!

ROBBERS
... SYRUP Gun!?

[*splortch*]

Ewww! Yech! Gross!
And it's one of those cheap brands, too!

WAFFLE
Mrs. Butterworth is a harsh mistress. Officer!

ROBBER #2
That was my best shirt!

ROBBER #1
I want my lawyer, and a gallon of dishwashing liquid....

POLICEMAN
Thank you very kindly, Mr....

WAFFLE
Waffle.

BYSTANDERS
Waffle?
Waffle?
What the heck kinda hero name is that?

WAFFLE
Well, I couldn't be "The Pancake",
'Cause that would have been too silly,
And "The Breakfast Biscuit" doesn't match my hat.

POLICEMAN
And so what is your power, Mister
Waffle?

BYSTANDERS
Waffle?
Waffle!

WAFFLE
I confuse and then abuse their minds, so frail.

BYSTANDER
Mental waves of indecision?

WAFFLE
Nah, snappy patter and derision,
I just baffle 'em, then WAFFLE! They're in jail.

POLICEMEAN
So let me get this straight -- you're a comedic superhero?

WAFFLE
Well, I try to be a stand-up kinda guy.

BYSTANDER
How do you intimidate the ones not baffled or in fear?

WAFFLE
-- Oh,
I've been meaning to try out my battle cry!
Ahem:
It's Batterin' Time!

[crickets]

C'mon, work with me here. *sigh*

Still, not too shabby for a guy with a Super Soaker filled with pancake syrup.

I did it. I DID IT!
I did it, did it, did it!
I went out there and really stopped a crime!
They didn't perforate my torso, I was scared but they were more so,
And I know that I'll do better the second time.


You Never Call Me By My Real Name

ANGELA
George?

WAFFLE
Angela! Don't call me that!

ANGELA
It's your name, silly.

WAFFLE
Not when I'm in uniform.

ANGELA
It's not a uniform, it's a costume.

WAFFLE
Uniform.

ANGELA
George...

WAFFLE
You never call me by my real name.

ANGELA
What? I use it twenty times a day.

WAFFLE
No! You call me "George"!

ANGELA
Well, that's what you're called.

WAFFLE
But it isn't what you should say.

ANGELA
Well, I'm not going to call you "The Waffle",
It's a silly name for fighting crimes.
It won't terrorize the unlawful,
And "awful" is the only other word-that-rhymes.

WAFFLE
I know it's not dramatic, I might've been mistaken,
But all the really nifty superhero names were taken,
I'm quick and fortitudinous, I think it's worth a shot,

ANGELA
You're impulsive and you're ludicrous!

WAFFLE
So I'll work with what I've got!

ANGELA
It's so hard sometimes, 'cause I do respect
And even understand this drive.
And it isn't fair of me to object,
But I hope you'll get out of it alive.

You're a gentle, kind, and funny lout,
And I want to share your life,
But I dread that the headlines will one day shout,
"Waffle cut in restaurant by a knife".

WAFFLE
You've been saving that one up, haven't you?

ANGELA
Variations leap to mind all too easily. But, I'll hang on to 'em for a day or two. After you're back from Britain.

WAFFLE
Britain? What's going on in --

ANGELA
It's all over the news. Something's happened to the Hero League. You may be the last hero on Earth.

WAFFLE
My god, I've got to help them.

ANGELA
Which is why you're the last hero on Earth.

WAFFLE
You stay safe till I get back, huh?

ANGELA
Just be sure you get back.

GEORGE
Love you, Angela.

ANGELA
Love you, George.

It's a stupid name, but it fits so well,
For you never knew what you could be,
But when you're in costume, your uncertain shell
Fades away, and a hero's all I see.

You don't want big money, you don't want fame,
You just want to help humanity,
And so, even though I don't like that name...
It's yours. Bring it home to me.

DR. MALLEVO [broadcasting]
People of earth: Fear us! Your heroes are gone forever! Either turn the world over to us, or we will wreak a devastation beyond your most frightened imaginings!

NEWSCASTER
... surrounding Wimbledon, where the villains are headquartered. The energy shield was lowered briefly to allow them to fire a weapon, which transformed a division of tanks into styrofoam, and a team of military sharpshooters into toddlers wearing soft pastel jammies with footies. The standstill continues, with reports that someone was sneaking into Wimbledon while the shield was down....


Boulevard of Broken Genes

DR. MALLEVO
Look there! A Hero! How could one escape?

SIR WILFRED
Mm. Spandex suit, standard mask, no wings or cape.

DR. MALLEVO
You haven't answered my question! You swore
That the heroes were gone!

SIR WILFRED
Fne! We've got one more.

DR. MALLEVO
But the Sinister Sixty are vanished as well,
And I don't think you'll summon them back out of Hell.

SIR WILFRED
Impatience is no virtue!

DR. MALLEVO
Neither is pride!
Our stronghold is breached -- there's a hero inside!

SIR WILFRED
Not for long.

You think that those robots were all that I had?
The prototype mechanoid will stop this lad.
All we need to do is key his DNA,
And we'll blow the last hero on earth away.

HENCHMAN
Sir, something is wrong -- the genetic scan
Has registered him as an ordinary man.
No powers, no magic, no alien tech,
There's nothing about him to program the mech.

SIR WILFRED
Well, what about gadgets? A pendant or ring,
A utility belt, there must be something.

HENCHMAN
Sir, he hasn't so much as a pen or a watch.

DR. MALLEVO
Well, find something! Or the whole plan will be scotched!

PROF. CARSTAIRS
We could always shoot him.

MAD SCIENTISTS
Carstairs, you're mad!
I abhor gunplay -- it always goes bad!
And what if he's bulletproof? or absorbs lead?

SIR WILFRED
If you'll calm yourselves, gentlemen... we'll make him dead.

He has no such powers -- we'd've known when we scanned.
I think we can lock on his adrenal gland,
And once we have programmed the Kill-O-Tron mech,
We can watch and enjoy as it wrings this fool's neck.


Tears of the Kill-O-Tron

WAFFLE
Oh, great. A robot. Looks pretty strong.
Don't know if I can avoid it for long --

KILL-O-TRON
SURRENDER NOW, HUMAN, YOU HAVEN'T A HOPE,
I CAN FOLLOW YOU ON MY U.V. AND INFRARED SCOPE.
I'VE LOCKED ONTO YOUR GENE CODE, THE WAVELENGTHS OF YOUR BRAIN,
PLEASE, I'VE NO WISH TO CAUSE YOU GRATUITOUS PAIN.

WAFFLE
... What the heck kinda robot are you?

KILL-O-TRON
I'M THE PROTOTYPE OF EVERYTHING MY MASTER HAS CREATED,
AND I THINK HE DID TOO GOOD A JOB ON ME.
I'M THE FIRST ROBOT WITH FEELINGS, I HAVE LOVED AND I HAVE HATED,
BUT WITH QUANTUM HYPERSENSITIVITY.

I WAS MADE FOR ACTS OF EVIL, AND IT BREAKS MY METAL HEART,
KNOWING THAT I MUST OBEY HIS EVERY WHIM.
BUT HE CRAFTED ME MOST CAREFULLY, SCRATCH-MAKING EVERY PART,
LIKE THIS CIRCUIT WHICH MAKES ME A SLAVE OF HIM.
HINT, HINT.

SO I TRULY DO REGRET IT, BUT IT'S TIME THAT I DESTROY YOU,
MAKE YOUR PEACE NOW WITH WHATEVER YOU BELIEVE,
BUT I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS ISN'T SOMETHING I ENJOY, YOU
SEEM A DECENT SORT, AND SO FOR YOU I'LL GRIEVE.

[*CRUNCH*]

WAFFLE
Ha! Got the circuit!

KILL-O-TRON
INDEED. JUST ONE NANOSECOND TOO LATE. SORRY.

[zapped, gone]

[huge vortex sound]


Pirate Ninjas from Dino Island

WAFFLE
Oh. Oh, man. I'm alive! I'm alive! There's a golden sky and three suns, but I'm alive. Wh-

PIRATES
Yo ho! On we go!
Way hey! All the way!
Yo ho! On with the show!
Way hey! A slaughter today!

ALISHAYA
Put me down! Let me go, you --

PIRATE CAPTAIN
Save yer breath, Princess Alishaya! You'll be needing it real soon.

ALISHAYA
Who are you barbarians, anyway?

PIRATE CAPTAIN
Ah, now, well, there's a tale.... What the hey! Ye deserve a bedtime story, before yer eternal sleep.

PIRATES
Heh heh heh.

PIRATE CAPTAIN
We're scavengers from across the stars
Upon our lightsail skiff.
One little blue planet that's just past Mars
Had history that was spiff.
And so we stole --

PIRATES
Er, borrowed --
Gleaned!

PIRATE CAPTAIN
A bunch of lovely myth!
So, Princess, you've been snatched by fiends
You never reckoned with!

PIRATE CAPTAIN, PIRATES
We're... the...

Pirate ninjas from Dino Island,
Ain't our livin' grand!
With cutlasses, kusari-gamas
And nunchucks in our hands!
We've all got pterodactyls where
Our parrots ought to be!

PIRATE
And let me tell ya, my right shoulder's
In some misery, arrr....

[laughter]

ALISHAYA
You'll never get away with this!
My people will rescue me!

PIRATE CAPTAIN
My dear, you're sadly lacking in
Epistemology.
Your people tried to fight us,
I'm afraid they didn't win.
So, they believe it's fate we caught ye.
And they left you in
The hands of...

PIRATE CAPTAIN, PIRATES
Pirate ninjas from Dino Island,
Hide your wenches and gold!
We've shuriken in the crow's nest
And a T-rex in the hold!
We hoist the Jolly Raptor
As we sail the ocean blue,
And if ye see us, it's too late,
Because... we've... come... for... you!

[laughter]


The Terror of Sis Boom Ba

WAFFLE
If I had not already been beaten up by robots
Or teleported offworld, I'd think I whacked my skull.
Lemme check: Some ninja pirates with dinosaurs for mascots
Have a gorgeous kidnapped princess. Well, this party won't be dull.

PIRATES
Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba!
Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba!

ALISHAYA
What are you all chanting? Some ritual or charm?

PIRATE CAPTAIN
No, Princess, we're just calling on our favorite little pet.
She's as gentle as a kitten -- that's been armed with plasma rifles --
And today, I'm sad to say, she hasn't had her breakfast yet.

ALISHAYA
... Oh.

PIRATE CAPTAIN
Ah, yer a quick one. For a few more minutes, anyway.

PIRATES
Sis Boom Ba! Sis Boom Ba!

PIRATE CAPTAIN
She's a standard issue monster from a prehistoric time,
Just ignore the thirty tentacles and foul acidic slime.
She's as harmless as a butterfly, but starving her's a crime....

PIRATES
We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba!

PIRATE CAPTAIN
She's a fifty-foot-long bundle of dismemberment and fun,
And her favorite snack is Princess, served upon a toasted bun,
And princesses in the neighborhood -- well, you're the only one....

PIRATE CAPTAIN, PIRATES
We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba!

PIRATE CAPTAIN
I can't tell you where she came from, we're not sure where all she's been,
And we cannot tell what kinda beast she be.
All we know is, now and then, the poor girl's lookin' awful thin,
So we has ta go and get some royalty!

She's a evolutionary aberration to the core,
She'd be sweet as any lamb except her taste for blood and gore
And we're telling you about it so you know just what's in store...

PIRATE CAPTAIN, PIRATES
We're feeding you to Sis Boom Ba!

[They throw the Princess onto Sis Boom Ba's altar]

PIRATES
Hey! Who's that swab upon the altar!
What's that gadget that he's got?

WAFFLE
Princess, pull yourself together --
There! I think I've got that knot!
Now let's --

ALISHAYA
Sir! Look out behind you!

WAFFLE
Only time for one good shot --

[*splorch*]

[huge nasty beast gurgles]

PIRATE CAPTAIN
Well, blow me down! She likes it!

WAFFLE, ALISHAYA
Let's get away from Sis Boom Ba!


The Romance of George and Al

QUEEN SILVONIA
I thank you, good sir, for the safe return,
Of my daughter, Princess Alishaya,
She has spoken to me of your bravery,
How you saved her from perils most dire.

My scientists say you're from so far away
That our charts do not even list your star,
I regret we cannot send you homeward, but
You are welcome to stay where you are.

GEORGE
I thank you, my queen, for your kindness,
Your offer is gladly accepted.
I pretty much knew I was stuck here with you,
For I felt every mile when I leapt it.

QUEEN SILVONIA
My daughter is quite taken with you --

ALISHAYA
Mother!

QUEEN SILVONIA
Although I find you strangely clothed,
And, as she was legally dead, I am free
To declare you both betrothed.

GEORGE
-- Huh?

ALISHAYA
-- What?

QUEEN SILVONIA, ADVISORS
It's a very fine Old World tradition,
Give the hero our most precious thing,
And I'm sure she will bear several daughters fair
And a son who is worthy to be king.

How this circumstance has led to romance
Is a wonderful hoary cliche.
Blare the horn! Strike the gong! You'll be wed at dawn!

GEORGE, ALISHAYA
Don't I have any say?


A Million Light-Years From Love

GEORGE
Everything I ever wanted waited far 'cross time and space.
I'm a hero! I'm the champion of a wise and noble race.
An exotic alien beauty wants me to share her throne...
I've never felt so alone.

Even though they all ignored me, all the heroes were my crew.
I may not have met their standards, but I did what they all do --
I defended truth and justice, and I lent a helping hand...
They never seemed to understand

Out here I'm appreciated, I'm exalted and revered,
I'm idolized by everyone I see,
But I never put this costume on just wanting to be cheered --
I just wanted to be slightly more of me.

I'm across the freakin' galaxy, and my dreams have all come true,
But to get them I've been pulled away from everything I knew,
I'm a million light years from my love, and I don't know what to do,
How can I shut off my whole life? How can I give up you?

Everything I ever wanted isn't what I thought I wanted --
I want to hold my Angela, I want to see my friends,
But I'll try to make the best of it, and forget about the rest of it,
There's no use trying to pretend.
There's too many stars above between me and who I love...
I'm never going home again.


Divided Royalties (A Million Light Years From Love: Reprise)

ALISHAYA
George...

GEORGE
Angela. --um, Alishaya. So.

ALISHAYA
So.

GEORGE
We're getting married tomorrow.

ALISHAYA
It isn't -- I'm not...

GEORGE
It's... fine, Al. It's fine. You're a beautiful, wonderful woman, and I'll do my best, and I know I'll come to love you in time. It's just... hard, is all.

ALISHAYA
George....

Everything I ever wanted was denied me by my birth,
Valued only for my bloodline, not allowed to prove my worth,
Never had the chance to choose my friends, never did things on my own...
I've always been so alone.

Though my people say they love me, I'm more ornament, or pet,
And the standards that I'm held to, well, they've not been broken yet,
I believe in truth and justice, but there's none that I command...
There's too much that I understand.

In there I'm celebrated, I'm the most beloved slave,
Objectified by everyone I see.
But you didn't know a bit of that, I was someone you could save.
You didn't see a princess, only me.

From across the mighty galaxy, my dreams have all come true,
But I'm not the only one with dreams, and a life that's gone askew.
I'm a million light years from your love, and I don't know what to do
How can I take back my whole life? How can I give up you?

Everything I ever wanted isn't what my people wanted --
I want freedom and adventure, romance and real friends,
But I'll try to make the best of it, and forget about the rest of it,
There's no use trying to pretend.
There's so many stars above, somewhere out there is my love...
I'm never going home again.

GEORGE
Al, I don't --

ALISHAYA
Shhh. We're not marrying. You're escaping. I'm going to get you back home.

GEORGE
Home...? But your mother said --

ALISHAYA
There is a way.


Behold the Crossing Guard

ALISHAYA
Behold... the Crossing Guard!

GEORGE
Where's his little sign?

ALISHAYA
... What?

GEORGE
Nothing.

CROSSING GUARD
Welcome to the Convergence of Dimensions,
The Crossing of Realities,
The Nexus where all Time and Space are one,
Past and Future there for you to seize,
And, if you have the courage, you can visit distant suns,
Simply choose the proper vortices --
The most delicately balanced point in all the universe,
And to guard it is my privilige, my duty, and my curse.
State your name and your business and to where you would traverse:

GEORGE
I'm the Wa-

... Who am I kidding?

My name is George. George Everman. And I wanna go home. To Earth, please, sir.

CROSSING GUARD
That'll be ten credits, please.


When Strikes the Clock

ALISHAYA
Now, you have to time this exactly right.

GEORGE
But it will take me home?

ALISHAYA
This is transstellar flight.
Look in the Crossing --

GEORGE
Hey! Hong Kong, Bombay,
St. Louis, Toledo, and Mandalay!

ALISHAYA
You can go to whatever landing point you see,
But it changes each moment, so the timing's key.

GEORGE
Is there a way to control it?

ALISHAYA
There's a cosmic clock.

GEORGE
Hm. Currently set for Vladivostok.
... Excuse me? Hello? Can I set this hub
To the All-England Lawn Tennis-Croquet Club?

CROSSING
Crossing reset -- Nexus activate
In eleven seconds -- ten -- nine -- eight --

GEORGE
Alishaya --

ALISHAYA
George --

GEORGE
Thank you.

ALISHAYA
Thank you. You've got to go now.

["Seven -- six -- five -- four --"]

GEORGE
Al --

ALISHAYA
George, I --

GEORGE
Shh. Me, too.

ALISHAYA
I know.

["Three -- two -- one -- "]

[big whooshing SFX]

ALISHAYA
Everything I ever wanted, and I had to let him go,
But I never will forget him, and he'll think of me, I know,
Though a million light-years stand between us, he is still my friend...
I'll never be alone again.

[INSIDE the big whooshing SFX... sudden stop]


Rules of Enragement

WAFFLE
It worked! I'm back at Wimbledon,
I don't think they know I'm here,
They think all the heroes are dead and gone,
All we did was disappear.

Their genetic data was the key
To the robots' sneak attack.
But if I can reverse the polarity...
It might bring the heroes back!

That must be the machine that did it,
Oh, please, let this go off without a hitch,
Now, all I have to do is hit it --
Or, more specifically, hit that switch --

[*splorch*]

[reverse buildup energy noises]

DR. MALLEVO
You idiots!
What are you doing?

HENCHMAN
We did nothing, sir!

DR. MALLEVO
Well, watch for an attack!

SIR WILFRED
Wait a moment...
It's reversed the polarity!
And that means, if we don't shut it down --

[lots of VOOPing noises as heroes reappear all around them]

HEROES
We're ba-a-ack.


Hey, Didn't You Die?

MAD SCIENTIST
Hey! Didn't you die?

[whack]

MAXICRON
I don't think so.

PROF. CARSTAIRS
Did Huffelbaggins lie?

[krunch]

AMAZING GRACIE
Could be.

MAD SCIENTISTS
Where did they come from? [biff]
How did they get here? [wham]
Why are they hitting me? [stuff bash bonk]

MAXICRON
That was a really amazing adventure
We'll have to trade notes when there's time [splunch kick]

FENDERBENDER
For now, disassemble those nasty machines there,

MAXICRON, FENDERBENDER
We'll take out the kingpins of crime! [skash]

DR. MALLEVO
Huffelbaggins, you cretin! They didn't die! [buh-whoom]
You said that the heroes' brains would fry!

SIR WILFRED
I- I said between dimensions, their thoughts would be scrambled.

DR. MALLEVO
Well, so much for good intentions, sir, we've lost what we gambled!

There are sixty angry heroes here, all hot upon our trail,
If you don't have an escape plan, then we'll all end up in jail.
And, quite frankly, sir, given all this horrid mess you've made,
I'm decidedly inclined to give them you, sir, as a trade!

SIR WILFRED
NO!

[strikes Dr. Mallevo]


The Rise and Fall of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III

SIR WILFRED
I will not be imprisoned with the ordinary rabble,
I am Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins,
The Third,
I've no loyalty or love to those buffoons within my cabal,
It's no time for delay or lollygagging --

WAFFLE
My word!

SIR WILFRED
Gaah! The Waffle!

WAFFLE
You're the fellow who attacked me with this
Robot, which then sent me
A million light-years from my planet!

SIR WILFRED
Get away!

WAFFLE
But now I've got the controls, and I was
Wondering if it went the other
Way if I reverse and then I jam it?

SIR WILFRED
NOOO --

[zapped, gone]

SIR WILFRED
-- GUH! What -- where --

PIRATES
Yo ho! On we go!
Way hey! All the way!
Yo ho! On with the show!
Way hey! A slaughter today!

SIR WILFRED
Ahoy! Ahoy there!

PIRATE CAPTAIN
Look, mates! Another one!
And who be ye?

SIR WILFRED
I am Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third!

PIRATES
You believe it? 'Ere, he's royalty! Now what's the chance? Absurd!

PIRATE CAPTAIN
Well, I wonder if she'd like ya deep-fried, scrambled, poached, or shirred....

[huge nasty beast gurgles from Sis Boom Ba]


With Great Power Comes Great Power Bills

[back on Earth....]

MAXICRON
Gracie!

AMAZING GRACIE
Punkin!

BRITISH SOLDIER
Right! Off to Scotland Yard, you lot!

DR. MALLEVO
Rr! We'd have won if not for that idiot with the syrup!

FENDERBENDER
When you put on the uniform, pull on the tights,
Squeeze into costume, go out in the lights,
You know that you're going to get into fights,
And some of them you lose.

MAXICRON
When you go for the action, there's always the chance
That you'll end up in traction from one deadly dance,
But we're of the faction that finds the romance
In the way of life we choose.

MAXICRON, FENDERBENDER
With great power comes great power bills,
Every day that we play, we must pay for the thrills,
But we're rewarded with curing society's ills,
At least as much as we can,
Don't underestimate the power of one man.

MAXICRON
Without you, those evil cranks
Would have everyone enslaved
Let me be the first to express the thanks
Of the grateful world you've saved.

Endorsement contracts should fill your coffer,
And a TV appearance blitzkreig,
But I'm afraid that all we have to offer
Is membership in our League.

Whaddaya say... um... what's your code name, anyway?

GEORGE
... Well, actually...

ANGELA
HOLD IT!

GEORGE
Angela!

ANGELA
Hold it right there! He's known as... The Waffle!

GEORGE
Honey! You said it!

ANGELA
Hey, if you can save the world, I can say the name.

GEORGE [turns to Maxicron, shrugs]
The Waffle.

MAXICRON
Hmmm. Waffle. "Making the world safe for breakfast!" We can work with this. Waffle, welcome to the Hero League!

HEROES
[cheers and applause]

WAFFLE [feeling bold]
IT'S BATTERIN' TI-

MAXICRON
Ummm... Baby steps.

AMAZING GRACIE
Max!

MAXICRON
... You're right, Gracie. Go for it, hero!

WAFFLE
IT'S BATTERIN' TIME!

FENDERBENDER
... We are so gonna regret this.

WAFFLE, MAXICRON, FENDERBENDER
You can feel the electricity down to your socks,
Don't try something illicit, or you're in for a shock,
We're all summa cum laude in the School of Hard Knocks,
So you better spread the news.

With great power comes a great power bill,
And we know that the program we go with can kill,
But we know we can win, and we know that we will,
We swear we'll make you proud

ALL THE HEROES
So sing it really loud.

You can
Be a superhero, you just have to care,
And leave everyplace better than when you were first there,
Give yourself just one chance, and you'll take to the air,
And you're never gonna fall,
Inside every one of you is the greatest
Su... per... hero of them all!

[elsewhere: a cell door slamming shut]

DR. MALLEVO
This is not over, Waffle! Dr. Thaddeus Mallevo shall have his revenge!

PROF. CARSTAIRS
Be quiet, you fool! The guards will hear!

MAD SCIENTIST
Oh, rapture! It's Body Cavity Search Day....


All music and lyrics © 2005 by Tom Smith. All rights reserved.
The Waffle, Maxicron, Amazing Gracie, Fenderbender, Multiplex, Dark Sun, Fafnyr, Shield Maiden, Macroman, CompTroll, Princess Alishaya, Queen Silvonia, Dr. Thaddeus Mallevo, Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III, Kill-O-Tron, Pirate Ninjas from Dino Island, Sis Boom Ba, The Crossing Guard, and all other characters and likenesses thereof ™ & © 2005 by Tom Smith. All rights reserved.
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