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The Toothbrush Song

Words: © 1986 by Tom Smith
Music: "Alice's Restaurant" by Arlo Guthrie
I wrote this for my friend Gail Christopherson. It's unpolished, but it has some bite.

It's been eighteen long, cold, and lonely months
Since you packed your things and said goodbye.
You said you felt trapped like a rat in a cage,
And had to spread your wings and fly.

Well, it didn't bother me, you never did your chores,
And every time you spoke, you mixed your metaphors,
But now I can't get you out of my mind,
No matter how hard I try.

You've been out of my life for a year and a half,
But you left your toothbrush here with me.
It's a little bit crusty, a little bit green,
And a little bit bristle-free.

I see it in the bathroom every single day,
Looking like it wants to get up and walk away,
You've been out of my life for a year and a half,
But you left your toothbrush here with me.

Well, I couldn't stand the sight of it any longer,
It filled me with a sense of loss.
You see, I haven't kept my breakfast down for fifteen months,
Since the sucker started growing moss.

I couldn't wash, chip, or strip off that layer of green,
But Coca-Cola Classic just ate it clean --
Now I've got a sticky toothbrush with one-third its bristles,
And boy, I'm glad you didn't floss.

You've been out of my life for a year and a half,
But you left your toothbrush here with me.
It sits on the sink like the festering carcass
Of a victim of leprosy.

I can't throw it out, because I'm not that bold,
I know if it twitched, I'd pass out cold,
You've been out of my life for a year and a half,
But you left your toothbrush here with me.

Well, this grisly memento of our time together
Has come in rather handy lately.
It's great for scraping stir-fry crud out of my wok,
And cleaning off my car battery.

It'll grind the mud stains right out of my pants,
It's great for knocking aphids off my spider plants,
And at night I hook it up to the back of my Magnavox,
And pick up MTV.

You've been out of my life for a year and a half,
But you left your toothbrush here with me.
A lot of my friends think it's pretty disgusting,
But I don't agree.

It's cold and it's stiff and it's bristly too,
And I sleep with it at night, 'cause it reminds me of you,
You've been out of my life for a year and a half,
But you left your toothbrush here with me.

Ba-da-da-dah-da-da-da-dah,
You left your toothbrush here with me!

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