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The Very Secret Diary of Dark Wolf

Words and Music: © 2006 by Tom Smith
With a nod to Cassie Claire's "Secret Diaries of Middle Earth"
and fair-use quotes of "The I Was Not A Nazi Polka" by the Mitchell Trio
and "Hava Nagila" (Jewish trad.)
One of my favorite commissioned songs, partly because I know both the person who commissioned it and the recipient, her husband, and they hang out on my LiveJournal, and partly because it was delivered in person at a surprise house concert (the Louisville one). Jason was expecting an evening of gaming, and he walks in to see me, and then I sang this for him, and he was properly boggled for the rest of the evening. And he even got his gaming!

Dear Diary: Today my adventures begin.
My first character is reasonably strong, tough, and quick, although not as smart as I think he should be.
And he's the prettiest. No matter WHAT Legolas says.

When I was a young lad, I learned life was a game,
But if I was to play it, I had to have a name,
I knew enough to realize I did not know myself,
So I became an exiled warrior king who loved a hottie elf.

I was Aragorn,
Mighty Aragorn,
Doing mighty deeds, not waiting 'round for thanks,
Lonely and forlorn,
Between two worlds torn,
Poster child for self-deprecating angst.

Dear Diary: Day thirty-one. Still not king.
Arwen not returning my calls -- something about "that time of the Age".
Legolas keeps looking at my butt.
Let me get back to you on that.

I brooded and fought monsters, fought monsters while I'd brood,
I'd brood and fight and fight and brood and brood until I spewed,
I'd gotten tired of wandering alone out in the sticks,
So I became a tragic figure sure to score with chicks.

I was Faramir,
Noble Faramir,
Ever striving to achieve something more,
And it's very clear
I've reached manhood here,
Sneaking glances at the girl that I adore.

Dear Diary: Brother dead. Father dead.
City in flames. Beaten to hell by orcs.
My roommate is a gurrrrl.
Her uncle's dead, her boyfriend is in love with somebody else, she was beaten to hell by Nazgul.
But she doesn't think I suck.
Go me!

As time went on, I realized that something wasn't right,
I'd rather win with skill and wit than have to win a fight,
I programmed Perls of wisdom, a lot of chess I'd play,
And learned to cook the Hobbit style, at least six meals a day.

I was Bilbo,
Clever Bilbo,
Helping Thorin to become the dwarven King,
I should chill, though,
'Cause as thrills go,
Whacking spiders has kinda lost its Sting.

Dear Diary: Still no call from Arwen, but got a ring from Gollum.
He wanted to play a Riddle Game. I said I don't have any rulebooks for Harry Potter.
He went ape -- said something about running away to join the Serkis.
Must fly -- the Erebor Protection Agency has just issued a Smaug alert.

I got some satisfaction and won some great reward,
But still saw too much action, when can I drop this sword?
I read my techie manuals, got formulas, and so,
I added magic powers, and stuff up with which to blow.

I was Gandalf,
Wizard Gandalf,
With explosives when swords and spells lost the day,
And no man'd scoff
WHen I handed off
Thorin's quest to Bilbo, and got out of the way.

Dear Diary: Led Fellowship across blizzard-bound mountains, figured out way into Moria, was point man in smelly underground dungeons against thirty thousand orcs, fought Balrog, fell into darkness.
Must sharpen delegation skills.
At least now I've got time to get this robe laundered.

With every name I've taken, each persona that I've used,
The only thing I've gotten is more and more confused,
It hasn't worked with ranger, warrior, thief, or wiz,
So how else can I find myself? I know! An online quiz!

Each and every fanboy starts to dance and sing
To the Who Am I In Tolkien Polka,
All without exception, put on your One Ring
To the Who Am I In Tolkien Polka.
"Minas Tirith" means you spent your only Tirith twice,
Sing the Who Am I In Tolkien Polka,
And "Bombadil" is blowing up a jar of pickling spice,
Sing the Who Am I In Tolkien Polka.

The Hobbit and the Big Three, The Silmarillion,
Have clues that I've perused on Wikipedia,
I'll check off my reaction to twenty different quotes,
It says that I'm suited best to be Aunt Lobelia,
Aunt Lobelia?
Aunt Lobelia?
AUNT LOBELIA!?

I'm Aunt Lobelia,
I'm Aunt Lobelia,
I'm Aunt Lobelia --

Dear Diary: Never, EVER mix Buckleberry schnapps and Entwash again.

I've tried to live my life just like the heroes I revered,
But there was always something missing, no matter which way I steered,
I couldn't fill the spaces labeled "hobbit", "king", or "elf",
'Cause everything within me fit completely as myself.

When I was a young lad, I learned life was a game,
And finally I know I don't need someone else's name,
And it ain't the winning but the playing that makes it all worthwhile
Though my plus-nine Mace of In Your Face makes sure I play in style.

I am Dark Wolf,
I am Dark Wolf,
On LiveJournal, that's Darkwolf Sixty-Nine,
Or just "Dark Wolf",
That's spelled "Dark Wolf",
Which is easier to say than "shadowed lupine".

I am Jason,
Sometimes Dark Wolf,
And the bad guys cringe and cower at the sound,
Of the Dark Wolf,
Yes, the Dark Wolf,
But Jason Klueber is the greatest name I've found.
And my wife says he's the greatest guy around.

Dear Diary: Well, today is my eleventy-nineteenth birthday.
Lovely wife, beautiful kids, great friends, in my prime.
Still not king.
But, ah, Legolas? Still the prettiest.

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