Why I Won't Get You A Beer
In every man's life, there comes a terrible moment when he looks at what lies before him and realizes he has no idea what was in that Tupperware.
I open the door and the light hits my face
All I see is the gore, all I feel is disgrace
For the fog of war permeates the whole place
What the hell has died in my fridge?
There's eggs from last summer, cream cheese from last fall,
A six-week-old soft pretzel bought at the mall,
Some Ziploc blew up, there's grey crud on the wall,
And it all has died in my fridge.
Raise a toast to these bagels and loxes
That I stuck here, and stuck's what it is.
At least seven carryout boxes
Are glued to the shelf with Cheez Whiz.
I no longer recognize this mayonnaise,
I think this was beef with a fine demiglaze,
And the gherkins are moving in interesting ways --
It's been days since I opened my fridge.
There's green in the orange juice, blue in the pork,
That wine bottle's trembling, better not pull the cork,
And the barbecued brisket won't give back the fork,
I'm a dork who must clean out his fridge.
As the whole house is filled with miasma
From the foodstuffs that Tom forgot,
I'm just glad that I don't suffer asthma,
My clothing's beginning to rot.
Those chicken breast halves that I took out to thaw
Now violate hazardous materials law,
And the hummus declared war on Mother's cole slaw...
I withdraw the whole mess from my fridge.
Now I've scrubbed the thing white, but the stench is still there,
Ancient pasta and sauerkraut scorching the air,
So if you want a beer, well, it's in there somewhere....
Say a prayer, crack it open a smidge,
If you dare, it's right there in my fridge.